I thought of whether i make a big deal of it, before my birthday.
Last two years, i did.
But the years before that, i always celebrate it alone in my room.
Pathetic much? I think that it's a reflection of me. Of who i am as a person.
Its not as if there was no celebration afterwards, or n gifts and presents nor no wishes and sms-es and recently, fbs and such.
But when the clock strike 12 midnight, that marked the end and beginning of my life at certain age, i am always; alone.
And usually i never felt so alone than that moment.
Respite.
I always wanted to be 27; growing up. The age held an important, rather special significance for me. At the age 27, i always visualised myself as a successful, happy, respected person. Not rich. That never came into my mind or being my goal. But definitely enough.
I wonder now whether i lived up to that dream of mine. Next month, will be be successful, happy and respected.
Successful in what way? I have a career if thats what you mean. And its not just any career, its something that i wanted. Other than that, i could probably consider myself to be successful in my life so far as i have achieved, if not all, most of what i dreamt of; Head Prefect, Best Female, President of organisations, managing events, Dean's list, an A in a project, english debate, representing university and the country for public speaking, got into the primary service, teach childen to succeed in their studies, have considerable talents in various skills to do some part time jobs, and much more. So much more. But is it enough? Does all this considered successful?
Happy! Now thats vague. Growing up i never really considered myself to be happy. Content, yes. I am seldom happy. I even seldom laughing. Its even harder to surprise me! I always wore this solemn face mask. A face that doesnt betray anything (except to close friends that knows me). How do i consider or count what is happiness? Am i happy now? Right now, as i am writing... i am so afraid to answer. Because i dont know. This may sound much like the 'selfish' entries in the book Eat, Pray, Love; someone who has everything but still feels empty inside. What's missing? I guess the answer is that i lost God along the way. I gotta find Him again inside me. Oh i know He is there for me. I always, embarassingly find Him whenever i feel alone and cry. I need to find Him again.
And respect. That is something i cannot answer. Because i cannot say i am respected. Only other people around me can say, whether they respect me. My mistakes in the past makes me feel not worthy sometimes, in my weaker moments. I feel like i am not THAT good, i am NOT perfect, i DID this and that. I am NOT miss perfect. Or try to be. And that sucks to me. Cos i myself let me be disrespect. People see me as a reflection of what i see myself. Until i learn to love me and respect me, i can't force others to do so.
So in the end, what does being 27 really means to me?
I think the answer is that i get to feel a blessing that i get to live through that 'magical' age. I shouldnt be so hard on myself and over think of minute stuff. I should be blessed.
Now the only thing that i want in this whole wide world, is him. And i just might, might be feeling a little bit more, than just content.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
When is it Too Much?
I never asked that question to myself.
Question like, when will i stop?
When will i said enough?
When i will give up?
When is it becomes too much?
I was faced with that question today. After all that has happened with me being sick, with me feeling down and sad cos i AM sick; cos that will ruined with the 'plan' to spend time with him on the last two weeks we had together before he went away. With he didnt actually come and see me in the hospital when i was sick, nor did he takes the initiative and asked first about me (and not replying my messages). With him didn't ask how i was during my sickbed and when did i was discharge. And the fact that he did not hold to one of his many promises to accompany me to my best friend's wedding tonight. And when i actually wants to talk and discussed about it and try to set up a time to meet up and still it doesnt work, and i just give in.
I give in to the holy power that says, enough is enough Emmy. Sudahlah tu.
I called him a selfish bastard. Boy, do i feel good. He deserves it. He also deserves pergi jahanam (and not go to hell; less effect). But i am torn between actually messaging him that. Oh no, i just did message him that.
I guess i don't matter enough.
It hurts. But i don't matter to you.
And i have to accept that.
Question like, when will i stop?
When will i said enough?
When i will give up?
When is it becomes too much?
I was faced with that question today. After all that has happened with me being sick, with me feeling down and sad cos i AM sick; cos that will ruined with the 'plan' to spend time with him on the last two weeks we had together before he went away. With he didnt actually come and see me in the hospital when i was sick, nor did he takes the initiative and asked first about me (and not replying my messages). With him didn't ask how i was during my sickbed and when did i was discharge. And the fact that he did not hold to one of his many promises to accompany me to my best friend's wedding tonight. And when i actually wants to talk and discussed about it and try to set up a time to meet up and still it doesnt work, and i just give in.
I give in to the holy power that says, enough is enough Emmy. Sudahlah tu.
I called him a selfish bastard. Boy, do i feel good. He deserves it. He also deserves pergi jahanam (and not go to hell; less effect). But i am torn between actually messaging him that. Oh no, i just did message him that.
I guess i don't matter enough.
It hurts. But i don't matter to you.
And i have to accept that.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Are You Ready?
Be careful of what you wish for, cos God might just handed it to you smack face!
And u realise that u are not prepared to accept it.
I always say (and secretly believe?) that i always got what i want.
Of course i usually get it because of the combination of these two things;
luck and hard work!
Even as i faced this seemingly impossible obstacle, i manage to past through and do it. And consequently got what i want, one way or another, directly or indirectly.
My book, The Planner has all the details of what i want to achieve in life. And i have tick right a lot of it.
I came to realise that i didn't, haven't yet put out in writing this one wish that i really want for the past 2-3 years.
I asked myself why.
I guess its because it seems impossible.
I can do what ever i can to achieve it. But there is no way it can be realised unless God intends it to be.
That's one. Remind me to write it down, the wish, in the book.
Second.
Okay, so i admit that i believe in happy endings and fairy tales and romances in story books.
It doesnt come in a snap of your fingers but through hard work and a bit of faith.
Secretly, (i never admitted it before, this is a first), that i wanted this guy that is similar in attitude and values like the hero's in those romance novels.
I want those tall, dark and handsome guy.
I want a guy who is successful through hard work, whose rich in his own rights.
I want someone who is experience, knowledgeable, smart, have ambitions and dreams.
I want this man who cares, kind, generous and also something he is passionate about.
And i also wanted a bad boy, a playboy. A guy who has been with many women and yet hasn't found that right person to be with, to share his life with.
And i very much is th heroin. The lucky girl who falls in love with that guy. And he too.
And we get married and lived happily ever after.
Weird that i came to realisation last night, that maybe i am not prepared to faced this guy. To be with him. To get to know him. To go through life challenges when i am with him.
I am suddenly, am feeling rather intimidated and scared.
I thought i knew what i want, and when God gave him to me, i was taken aback and not sure on how to handle it.
My mind has been going over this matter the whole day. The fact that i did not slept last night makes it worse!
I think i just need to get a grip, thank God for giving him to me, (he's not mine yet) and i guess, not to think too much? Go with the flow, loose yourself, enjoy and savor every moment but at the same time, still remember who you are without compromising too much of yourself.
But then again, thats what the heroin in novels did, they give it all as they know that they got nothing to lose. Except pride.
In the end, the heroin get the hero.
I wonder what i'll do.
And u realise that u are not prepared to accept it.
I always say (and secretly believe?) that i always got what i want.
Of course i usually get it because of the combination of these two things;
luck and hard work!
Even as i faced this seemingly impossible obstacle, i manage to past through and do it. And consequently got what i want, one way or another, directly or indirectly.
My book, The Planner has all the details of what i want to achieve in life. And i have tick right a lot of it.
I came to realise that i didn't, haven't yet put out in writing this one wish that i really want for the past 2-3 years.
I asked myself why.
I guess its because it seems impossible.
I can do what ever i can to achieve it. But there is no way it can be realised unless God intends it to be.
That's one. Remind me to write it down, the wish, in the book.
Second.
Okay, so i admit that i believe in happy endings and fairy tales and romances in story books.
It doesnt come in a snap of your fingers but through hard work and a bit of faith.
Secretly, (i never admitted it before, this is a first), that i wanted this guy that is similar in attitude and values like the hero's in those romance novels.
I want those tall, dark and handsome guy.
I want a guy who is successful through hard work, whose rich in his own rights.
I want someone who is experience, knowledgeable, smart, have ambitions and dreams.
I want this man who cares, kind, generous and also something he is passionate about.
And i also wanted a bad boy, a playboy. A guy who has been with many women and yet hasn't found that right person to be with, to share his life with.
And i very much is th heroin. The lucky girl who falls in love with that guy. And he too.
And we get married and lived happily ever after.
Weird that i came to realisation last night, that maybe i am not prepared to faced this guy. To be with him. To get to know him. To go through life challenges when i am with him.
I am suddenly, am feeling rather intimidated and scared.
I thought i knew what i want, and when God gave him to me, i was taken aback and not sure on how to handle it.
My mind has been going over this matter the whole day. The fact that i did not slept last night makes it worse!
I think i just need to get a grip, thank God for giving him to me, (he's not mine yet) and i guess, not to think too much? Go with the flow, loose yourself, enjoy and savor every moment but at the same time, still remember who you are without compromising too much of yourself.
But then again, thats what the heroin in novels did, they give it all as they know that they got nothing to lose. Except pride.
In the end, the heroin get the hero.
I wonder what i'll do.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Am i?
Rather than say "I'm stupid" you may say "I lost rationality when comes to love. I know I shouldn't, but heart and love is never about right or wrong, it's about feeling. There is no right and no wrong."
A friend said this to me; i was debatedly telling myself that i am stupid, i am stupid, i am stupid, countless times today.
When i discovered the, for the 2nd time that the possibility he is getting married to his gf is on, it came as to no surprise of course, but it rocked and shaken my nonetheless.
At first i could control the emotions and adrenaline, then as my friend, who told me about it starts to get emotional about it, i broke down in tears. Like a few second. Then i became numb and unfeeling.
Until now. Got teary the second, and cold and unfeeling the later. My mind filled with him every waking moment, every second of every minute of every agonizing feeling and vibe and power in my body. He is in it.
All the memories. And the recalling what he sms-es, or says, or behaves, moves. Everyting. And i wonder does it mean anything? Who am i to you?
When i think how low i put myself in your life, i am so ashamed. You become my priority in my life. You. No one else. I cancelled everything, put down activities, put things on hold, if you're in the picture.
Embarassed my self out in front of you and your friends, degrading myself i think sometimes. To think that she's waiting for you if things doesn't work out? When did this get here? How on earth did i put mysel second in your life?
Or i always been one, and i decided to take it on and see what happens if i keep on trying, hoping, praying that maybe my fairy tale will come true and i will get my happy ending.
I become obsessed with you the first year. Besotted like a puppy. I get to control, learnt, force myself to control me, my actions so that i don't behave like a stupid moron female when im with you.
Alas, it did happened. Alas, i cant regret things that has happened. I refuse to regret cos i take it as something i learn from and move forward. Forward to where? What is there for me in the future? In his future?
Probably none. I refuse to let the negative thinking ruined all the good memories we had shared. Although the negative ones (realistic) might be the thing that keeps me sane and be careful. If i ever am that is.
I jumped on the moving roller coaster, fully knowing what to expect when i accidently fell in love with him; a hard, hard ride, but with interesting, powerful and learning experience.
How i love him. I make excuses for him everytime. Even as i am writing. I should say, no, i wanna say that i understand him. Do i really? I hope so, but i think that i will never know, knowing him
I think i understand him, his way of thinking and such actions he took that i accepted what he did. That's why i can hold on to this illusion for so long. Ah, two years plus is nothing compared to the six one of my gf went through. And she went bitter with it.
I dont want that to happen to me. I refuse to be bitter and hate him in the end. This is not the end yet. And i am not making it to be.
Hope is a powerful thing. Signs from God are everywhere and i dont know why i am blinded that i did not see it. But then, signs can be read many ways. If so, then this is not yet the end.
There's still hope.
A friend said this to me; i was debatedly telling myself that i am stupid, i am stupid, i am stupid, countless times today.
When i discovered the, for the 2nd time that the possibility he is getting married to his gf is on, it came as to no surprise of course, but it rocked and shaken my nonetheless.
At first i could control the emotions and adrenaline, then as my friend, who told me about it starts to get emotional about it, i broke down in tears. Like a few second. Then i became numb and unfeeling.
Until now. Got teary the second, and cold and unfeeling the later. My mind filled with him every waking moment, every second of every minute of every agonizing feeling and vibe and power in my body. He is in it.
All the memories. And the recalling what he sms-es, or says, or behaves, moves. Everyting. And i wonder does it mean anything? Who am i to you?
When i think how low i put myself in your life, i am so ashamed. You become my priority in my life. You. No one else. I cancelled everything, put down activities, put things on hold, if you're in the picture.
Embarassed my self out in front of you and your friends, degrading myself i think sometimes. To think that she's waiting for you if things doesn't work out? When did this get here? How on earth did i put mysel second in your life?
Or i always been one, and i decided to take it on and see what happens if i keep on trying, hoping, praying that maybe my fairy tale will come true and i will get my happy ending.
I become obsessed with you the first year. Besotted like a puppy. I get to control, learnt, force myself to control me, my actions so that i don't behave like a stupid moron female when im with you.
Alas, it did happened. Alas, i cant regret things that has happened. I refuse to regret cos i take it as something i learn from and move forward. Forward to where? What is there for me in the future? In his future?
Probably none. I refuse to let the negative thinking ruined all the good memories we had shared. Although the negative ones (realistic) might be the thing that keeps me sane and be careful. If i ever am that is.
I jumped on the moving roller coaster, fully knowing what to expect when i accidently fell in love with him; a hard, hard ride, but with interesting, powerful and learning experience.
How i love him. I make excuses for him everytime. Even as i am writing. I should say, no, i wanna say that i understand him. Do i really? I hope so, but i think that i will never know, knowing him
I think i understand him, his way of thinking and such actions he took that i accepted what he did. That's why i can hold on to this illusion for so long. Ah, two years plus is nothing compared to the six one of my gf went through. And she went bitter with it.
I dont want that to happen to me. I refuse to be bitter and hate him in the end. This is not the end yet. And i am not making it to be.
Hope is a powerful thing. Signs from God are everywhere and i dont know why i am blinded that i did not see it. But then, signs can be read many ways. If so, then this is not yet the end.
There's still hope.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Lesson
The pain you felt, you have inflicted upon yourself.
Do you know what is pain?
Pain is a feeling you feel inside cause by something.
In my case, the pain is self inflict. I did it to myself.
I have every chance to run away. Be at peace.
I thought that i am ready. Ready for a new beginning.
But five months? Come on.
Give yourself a break. And i mean a break. Rest your turmoil heart. That has been in war with your mind and your values and other factors surrounding you. Trying to force their way to you.
Listen to my heart? Oh gosh!
I thought that i can handle this. The feeling. But i can't. A slightest chance of doubt and i poured down like a drain of tsunami and lost it.
Why am i confident? Why am i not?
Don't force your feelings. Let it be, someone advices.
Then another too came to me, listen to your heart when it speaks.
I dont know what to trust anymore.
What i believe in? What do i believe in?
Can i just let go and let it be?
What about making the most of it so that i have no regrets and i won't be asking What if?
What about to experiencing new things and not saying No to anything?
I just am drain. Am exhausted.
I always needed God and have faith in life. But it seems that in the last 2-3 years i needed Him more than ever. And become more doubtful.
I never think of suicide but i know i have been thinking of running away from this life now countless times.
I am one of those lost souls who are wandering aimlessly in the world without a cause.
Suddenly i feel a little better. Someone just gave me an answer.
Do you know what is pain?
Pain is a feeling you feel inside cause by something.
In my case, the pain is self inflict. I did it to myself.
I have every chance to run away. Be at peace.
I thought that i am ready. Ready for a new beginning.
But five months? Come on.
Give yourself a break. And i mean a break. Rest your turmoil heart. That has been in war with your mind and your values and other factors surrounding you. Trying to force their way to you.
Listen to my heart? Oh gosh!
I thought that i can handle this. The feeling. But i can't. A slightest chance of doubt and i poured down like a drain of tsunami and lost it.
Why am i confident? Why am i not?
Don't force your feelings. Let it be, someone advices.
Then another too came to me, listen to your heart when it speaks.
I dont know what to trust anymore.
What i believe in? What do i believe in?
Can i just let go and let it be?
What about making the most of it so that i have no regrets and i won't be asking What if?
What about to experiencing new things and not saying No to anything?
I just am drain. Am exhausted.
I always needed God and have faith in life. But it seems that in the last 2-3 years i needed Him more than ever. And become more doubtful.
I never think of suicide but i know i have been thinking of running away from this life now countless times.
I am one of those lost souls who are wandering aimlessly in the world without a cause.
Suddenly i feel a little better. Someone just gave me an answer.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Listen
When your heart speaks, listen!
When the first time that advice was given to me, i listen. But i dont get it. I did not exactly listen. So i make a mistake. And decided on accepting something that i thought at that time is life changing, for the better. For the correct and right path in my life. Exactly what i needed at that time.
I made an error in judgement. Whew i did. I really shouldn;t be making any huge steps at that moment, during that period. Where my heart is fragile, still hasnt healed, is in the healing process. If healing is what i want it to be. Or so i thought.
Now that i got back to where it was before, i realised that i make a fatal decision that will end up hurting others.
Whats wrong with me? Sigh. Am i just confused? I dont know what i want? I was misguided?
What???!
Actually its relatively simple. I always know what i want. Its just that when its so unbearable and i was at my weakest moment, i decided to give up, to not handle it anymore. To refuse to hope.
When i always knew, that what (or to be exact, who) i want is always that same person. That has never changed. No matter how much i tried to stay away, or do something else, to persuade my heart and my brain to accept it, the truth still emerge one way or the other. It always find a way to whisper to me, to my heart.
Only that i didnt listen.
Now that i realise it, that i cant deny it anymore, i have to, have to accept this and be done with it.
So what id i love that person? What if i am in love so much that i cant love another anymore, or accept anyone in my life, maybe like for a long time, or forevor. Or that i will end up alone in the end when he, no, if he didnt pick me in the end. So what.
i dont want regrets remember. So dont make any. And about those frustrations and sorrows and sadness, grief, cries and tears that i went through sometimes in betweens the laughter and the happiness and the love, its normal. With life, the good comes also with the bad.
So i accept both. I accept that when im with him i am the happiest and the most loving person i can be. And i accept that when i am at my low, i will cry and mourn the fact that he is till not mine.
Its fine. Its okay.
I have to learn to love and accept that just because i love someone, doesnt mean in the end he will be mine.
Mencintai bukan bererti memiliki.
Although i wish with all my heart that he will be one day.
I can only hope.
When the first time that advice was given to me, i listen. But i dont get it. I did not exactly listen. So i make a mistake. And decided on accepting something that i thought at that time is life changing, for the better. For the correct and right path in my life. Exactly what i needed at that time.
I made an error in judgement. Whew i did. I really shouldn;t be making any huge steps at that moment, during that period. Where my heart is fragile, still hasnt healed, is in the healing process. If healing is what i want it to be. Or so i thought.
Now that i got back to where it was before, i realised that i make a fatal decision that will end up hurting others.
Whats wrong with me? Sigh. Am i just confused? I dont know what i want? I was misguided?
What???!
Actually its relatively simple. I always know what i want. Its just that when its so unbearable and i was at my weakest moment, i decided to give up, to not handle it anymore. To refuse to hope.
When i always knew, that what (or to be exact, who) i want is always that same person. That has never changed. No matter how much i tried to stay away, or do something else, to persuade my heart and my brain to accept it, the truth still emerge one way or the other. It always find a way to whisper to me, to my heart.
Only that i didnt listen.
Now that i realise it, that i cant deny it anymore, i have to, have to accept this and be done with it.
So what id i love that person? What if i am in love so much that i cant love another anymore, or accept anyone in my life, maybe like for a long time, or forevor. Or that i will end up alone in the end when he, no, if he didnt pick me in the end. So what.
i dont want regrets remember. So dont make any. And about those frustrations and sorrows and sadness, grief, cries and tears that i went through sometimes in betweens the laughter and the happiness and the love, its normal. With life, the good comes also with the bad.
So i accept both. I accept that when im with him i am the happiest and the most loving person i can be. And i accept that when i am at my low, i will cry and mourn the fact that he is till not mine.
Its fine. Its okay.
I have to learn to love and accept that just because i love someone, doesnt mean in the end he will be mine.
Mencintai bukan bererti memiliki.
Although i wish with all my heart that he will be one day.
I can only hope.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Hope
For the last one month or so, i start to stray back to my old two years long habit. is started to hope. and when that happens, i slowly went back to my old habit of being sad, thinking of minute things, wishing for something so bad that my heart ache and i ended u crying, i feel lonely when i shouldn't, im confused, i dont know what to do and i lost myself.
and the same time, i am back where i want to be. regardless of the consequences. i love it. i feel it is where i should be. enjoying life.
maybe i shouldnt think too much. i did that. but it will come to a point where i should be thinking of where i am and want to head in the future.
my next step is crucial. it decides what i really want.
and the same time, i am back where i want to be. regardless of the consequences. i love it. i feel it is where i should be. enjoying life.
maybe i shouldnt think too much. i did that. but it will come to a point where i should be thinking of where i am and want to head in the future.
my next step is crucial. it decides what i really want.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Quite A While
Am not feeling so good.
Am sad, confused, angry... I just want to cry but i can't. Am so used to held it up tight inside.
And worst, i dont know who to talk to. Nor do i think i have anyone to talk to.
Cos its been months since i talk to someone about this, and pour my heart out.
At least am not as desolete and pathetic as i was 5 mths ago. Am better now.
But sometimes, the feelings still came. Not easily pushed away or forgotten, it crept inside my head and my heart, slowly, agonizingly. When before you can ignore and swipe it away, forgotten a while, until it governs up and came bawling to me, up to a point wher i cant deny it no more.
Especially when i am at my weaker moments.
Oh i am strong, but as tough and willful as i am, i am still human. Very much female.
I have feelings.
Even now as i am typing this, i am beginning to feel light headed, like im about to faint.
Thats what happened when i keep it bottled up inside me. It becomes unbearable.
I'm just confused that's all.
Am sad, confused, angry... I just want to cry but i can't. Am so used to held it up tight inside.
And worst, i dont know who to talk to. Nor do i think i have anyone to talk to.
Cos its been months since i talk to someone about this, and pour my heart out.
At least am not as desolete and pathetic as i was 5 mths ago. Am better now.
But sometimes, the feelings still came. Not easily pushed away or forgotten, it crept inside my head and my heart, slowly, agonizingly. When before you can ignore and swipe it away, forgotten a while, until it governs up and came bawling to me, up to a point wher i cant deny it no more.
Especially when i am at my weaker moments.
Oh i am strong, but as tough and willful as i am, i am still human. Very much female.
I have feelings.
Even now as i am typing this, i am beginning to feel light headed, like im about to faint.
Thats what happened when i keep it bottled up inside me. It becomes unbearable.
I'm just confused that's all.
Monday, August 2, 2010
I Dreamed A Dream
I dreamed a dream.
I moved close to embrace him.
Instead to naturally put my head on his chest, he gently brings my head over his heart.
And i felt it deeply.
He said, I Love You.
I was stunned.
Seeing no reaction from me, we fell apart and he stare into my eyes, his hands on both my arms,
You dengar tak ni? I Love You.
And thats when realisation hits me and i nod, letting out a determined, hmm.
He laughed, as if knowing why i am speechless.
We then, embrace again.
And i woke up.
I moved close to embrace him.
Instead to naturally put my head on his chest, he gently brings my head over his heart.
And i felt it deeply.
He said, I Love You.
I was stunned.
Seeing no reaction from me, we fell apart and he stare into my eyes, his hands on both my arms,
You dengar tak ni? I Love You.
And thats when realisation hits me and i nod, letting out a determined, hmm.
He laughed, as if knowing why i am speechless.
We then, embrace again.
And i woke up.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The Simple Life
Not the Simple Life version Paris Hilton and Nicole Ricci's. Yeah, whatever.
This is the Oprah's version of Simple Life. Where in this time of economic crisis, people are back to live in a basic life where only basic necessities are important.
2010 is a very dificult year for me. Well, every year has its own set of challenges offered to me. This year, its more to financial. It has ruined all my plans for this year. And i was succumbed by the pressure and am lost. Lost in a sense, i dont know what to do.
I lost my motivation. I lost my direction. I dont know me anymore.
This is the Oprah's version of Simple Life. Where in this time of economic crisis, people are back to live in a basic life where only basic necessities are important.
2010 is a very dificult year for me. Well, every year has its own set of challenges offered to me. This year, its more to financial. It has ruined all my plans for this year. And i was succumbed by the pressure and am lost. Lost in a sense, i dont know what to do.
I lost my motivation. I lost my direction. I dont know me anymore.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Memories of a cold, teary night
I still remember that day. It was Thursday night.
When i heard the news. At first i didn't know. No one tells me. Then i followed my instinct and called his housemate. And his housemate, at that time, being caught off guard, had to tell me.
I was hurt cos he didn't tell me. Cos no one told me. Like, they never thought of telling me? I'm like, his.. his.. someone who loves him. Am there for him. Always with him.
I debated with my heart and my head on what to do next. Whether to go, or not. Whether to come and see him.
I have imagined this particular scene for the past 2 years. What would i do if i found out that he's in the hospital? My fantasy tells me that i will come and go to him. No matter what.
So that's what i did that night. Around 9.45pm, i made up my mind to go. but not after asking a few of my good, close friends about what should i do. And all of them said, follow your heart.
So i did. I drove to the hospital, way past my speed limit that i put on myself. Not thinking of anything, crying in the car on the way there. Just thinking of him.
Arriving at PPUM, i park my car by the road side, i didn't care at that time. Didn't care of anything anymore. I didn't even remember whether i locked the car. At that time, crying, i actually ran from my car towards the emergency area. Like soap opera, love story.
I asked the nurse how to go to the room he was warded in. I was nervous. I didn't know what to expect. His friends told me that everyone should've gone back by then. It was 10.30pm when i arrived.
I saw him. On the bed. In pain, weak. So unlike him. His aunt was also there. She happened to be the nurse.
I didn't want to disturb them so i stood further. I just watched. I actually kinda hoping that i wont be meeting any of his friends or his family members there. So that's a relief. The fact that his aunt was there, that cant be helped.
After some time, i finally took the courage to walk close. He has noticed me by then.
I just sit and look at him. of course his aunt never said anything about my teary face. She asked who i am.
I answered, that i was his colleague.
I thought then she would leave. But she didn't. She stayed awhile and was fussing over him. He was in pain, i could see that. And my heart just goes to him. Tears keep threaten to pour but i held it back with utter determination. I don't want to cry in front of them.
His aunt then asked how long will i be staying. I answered that i don't know. She then asked whether ill be working tomorrow. To that i answered yes.
I think she didn't want me there. She doesn't want me to disturb him. I got her intention but i didn't resent that. I understand. But at that time, i just don't care. i just smiled and then knowing that she has said all there is to said, she left. Leaving him with a few advices and prayers to read. And then left.
We didn't say much. Doesn't have to. Only some stuff. I stayed until 5am. He wakes up every half an hour. Uncomfortable. In pain. His legs were bandaged. He had bruises on his hands, shoulders, face.
I cried like every ten minutes.
Nothing matters at that time. I just keep thinking that i don't care about anything anymore. Even if in the end he didn't pick me, i don't care. All i think about is that, i have to be here for him. Now. That's all that matters.
I was so overwhelmed with love that night.
I got back home just before 5am. I had to leave cos i don't want to meet his mom who he said will arrived after Subuh. So i leave.
Arriving home at 5.30am, i planned to sleep like an hour or so.
But i wake up 10 mins before 9am. And i have an important meeting at 9am.
Gosh. LUckily my boss understood. I told them the truth.
Did i mention i forgot dinner last night? And having a sleepless night too, i slept a bit during Friday's lunch hour.
That night i went to visit again. He was transferred to another building after the operation. I went to search for him. And begged to the nurses to let me in even though its way past visiting hours. I guess seeing me almost cry, as i said, this is important. Its important that i come to see him, they let me in, saying only 15 mins.
I stayed until 2.30am.
That night i knew that this will be my last visit. I just knew it. Before i left i said, 'u take care of yourself k'. Then i bent over him, and kiss his forehead. I was trying very hard not to cry at that time.
I have a feeling this will be the last time.
Then i left. Walking slowly at that time. Lost in my thoughts. Feeling drained.
Then i got sick on Saturday and Sunday. Whew! What a drama.
I am crying silently while writing this. I need to let go. I need to do this. Cos I still cry every time i remember this. Still do.
Gosh. i love him so much that it hurts. Id give almost anything for him.
In the end, i am still not his choice.
But since i don't want any regrets, that's a chance i got to take. I want to give my all trying to fight for his love. I don't want to look back and wonder 'what if'.
I don't want any regrets.
When i heard the news. At first i didn't know. No one tells me. Then i followed my instinct and called his housemate. And his housemate, at that time, being caught off guard, had to tell me.
I was hurt cos he didn't tell me. Cos no one told me. Like, they never thought of telling me? I'm like, his.. his.. someone who loves him. Am there for him. Always with him.
I debated with my heart and my head on what to do next. Whether to go, or not. Whether to come and see him.
I have imagined this particular scene for the past 2 years. What would i do if i found out that he's in the hospital? My fantasy tells me that i will come and go to him. No matter what.
So that's what i did that night. Around 9.45pm, i made up my mind to go. but not after asking a few of my good, close friends about what should i do. And all of them said, follow your heart.
So i did. I drove to the hospital, way past my speed limit that i put on myself. Not thinking of anything, crying in the car on the way there. Just thinking of him.
Arriving at PPUM, i park my car by the road side, i didn't care at that time. Didn't care of anything anymore. I didn't even remember whether i locked the car. At that time, crying, i actually ran from my car towards the emergency area. Like soap opera, love story.
I asked the nurse how to go to the room he was warded in. I was nervous. I didn't know what to expect. His friends told me that everyone should've gone back by then. It was 10.30pm when i arrived.
I saw him. On the bed. In pain, weak. So unlike him. His aunt was also there. She happened to be the nurse.
I didn't want to disturb them so i stood further. I just watched. I actually kinda hoping that i wont be meeting any of his friends or his family members there. So that's a relief. The fact that his aunt was there, that cant be helped.
After some time, i finally took the courage to walk close. He has noticed me by then.
I just sit and look at him. of course his aunt never said anything about my teary face. She asked who i am.
I answered, that i was his colleague.
I thought then she would leave. But she didn't. She stayed awhile and was fussing over him. He was in pain, i could see that. And my heart just goes to him. Tears keep threaten to pour but i held it back with utter determination. I don't want to cry in front of them.
His aunt then asked how long will i be staying. I answered that i don't know. She then asked whether ill be working tomorrow. To that i answered yes.
I think she didn't want me there. She doesn't want me to disturb him. I got her intention but i didn't resent that. I understand. But at that time, i just don't care. i just smiled and then knowing that she has said all there is to said, she left. Leaving him with a few advices and prayers to read. And then left.
We didn't say much. Doesn't have to. Only some stuff. I stayed until 5am. He wakes up every half an hour. Uncomfortable. In pain. His legs were bandaged. He had bruises on his hands, shoulders, face.
I cried like every ten minutes.
Nothing matters at that time. I just keep thinking that i don't care about anything anymore. Even if in the end he didn't pick me, i don't care. All i think about is that, i have to be here for him. Now. That's all that matters.
I was so overwhelmed with love that night.
I got back home just before 5am. I had to leave cos i don't want to meet his mom who he said will arrived after Subuh. So i leave.
Arriving home at 5.30am, i planned to sleep like an hour or so.
But i wake up 10 mins before 9am. And i have an important meeting at 9am.
Gosh. LUckily my boss understood. I told them the truth.
Did i mention i forgot dinner last night? And having a sleepless night too, i slept a bit during Friday's lunch hour.
That night i went to visit again. He was transferred to another building after the operation. I went to search for him. And begged to the nurses to let me in even though its way past visiting hours. I guess seeing me almost cry, as i said, this is important. Its important that i come to see him, they let me in, saying only 15 mins.
I stayed until 2.30am.
That night i knew that this will be my last visit. I just knew it. Before i left i said, 'u take care of yourself k'. Then i bent over him, and kiss his forehead. I was trying very hard not to cry at that time.
I have a feeling this will be the last time.
Then i left. Walking slowly at that time. Lost in my thoughts. Feeling drained.
Then i got sick on Saturday and Sunday. Whew! What a drama.
I am crying silently while writing this. I need to let go. I need to do this. Cos I still cry every time i remember this. Still do.
Gosh. i love him so much that it hurts. Id give almost anything for him.
In the end, i am still not his choice.
But since i don't want any regrets, that's a chance i got to take. I want to give my all trying to fight for his love. I don't want to look back and wonder 'what if'.
I don't want any regrets.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
A Vision of Raven Hair
Its actually a fantasy story. A writing that i haven't done. I still am not sure whether to write somewhat a witch craft story or a vampire one.
Probably the former. As my own fantasy of vampire story, derived from looking at full moon and loving it, has never quite original. I am still very much influenced by Queen of the Damned and Anne Rice's version of vampires. Weird that Buffy, Angel, True Blood and the newest addition, Vampie Diaries has failed to ignite any interest in me write anyhing about. Probably its too much drama and no substance.
Whereas Queen of the Damned goes a long way, back to the historical making of the vampire Lestat, who has captured me and leaved me breathless for him and prepare to die and live eternally with him. As she, the heroin did.
Coming back to the raven haired girl, the idea came during my 2000/2001 year, where i was in my Form 4/5. I remember clearly that i was a prefect back then. I still remember my Head Prefect, the utmost respected student figure at that time for me, Ching Wern. We were talking, or she was talking with the other senior prefects and i happen to be there too, listening. She was amazed the fact that i read romance novels too (Barbara Cartland, Mills & Boons etc at that time) cos well, u have to admit i was a bit geeky during my high school. All strait up girl, good, nerdy type.
And during that moments of reading all those romance novel, i came up with the idea of reliving a heroin with magic power, with scarred face. A vision, an illusion. Someone that can't be touched, someone that is scary, intimidating, a rumor.
And there will be this, brave man, who did fell in love with her. And alls went well.
In my writing, it usually does. My story has a happy ending. Cos i dont believe a bad one. Life is all in our own making. So a bad life, its because you didnt try to make it a better one.
I will probably write about it. I have to do some research first before i can just plunge in into the world of fantasy. I love to fantasized about the impossible things. Like a mafia heroin, a spy, a vampire, a playgirl, a con artist, a bodyguard and so much more.
I love to create a new world for me.
Probably the former. As my own fantasy of vampire story, derived from looking at full moon and loving it, has never quite original. I am still very much influenced by Queen of the Damned and Anne Rice's version of vampires. Weird that Buffy, Angel, True Blood and the newest addition, Vampie Diaries has failed to ignite any interest in me write anyhing about. Probably its too much drama and no substance.
Whereas Queen of the Damned goes a long way, back to the historical making of the vampire Lestat, who has captured me and leaved me breathless for him and prepare to die and live eternally with him. As she, the heroin did.
Coming back to the raven haired girl, the idea came during my 2000/2001 year, where i was in my Form 4/5. I remember clearly that i was a prefect back then. I still remember my Head Prefect, the utmost respected student figure at that time for me, Ching Wern. We were talking, or she was talking with the other senior prefects and i happen to be there too, listening. She was amazed the fact that i read romance novels too (Barbara Cartland, Mills & Boons etc at that time) cos well, u have to admit i was a bit geeky during my high school. All strait up girl, good, nerdy type.
And during that moments of reading all those romance novel, i came up with the idea of reliving a heroin with magic power, with scarred face. A vision, an illusion. Someone that can't be touched, someone that is scary, intimidating, a rumor.
And there will be this, brave man, who did fell in love with her. And alls went well.
In my writing, it usually does. My story has a happy ending. Cos i dont believe a bad one. Life is all in our own making. So a bad life, its because you didnt try to make it a better one.
I will probably write about it. I have to do some research first before i can just plunge in into the world of fantasy. I love to fantasized about the impossible things. Like a mafia heroin, a spy, a vampire, a playgirl, a con artist, a bodyguard and so much more.
I love to create a new world for me.
Friday, June 18, 2010
It's What Love Makes You
This poem was written when i was studying in USM during the 2003-2006 period. I wrote it during one lonely, teary night. Remembering a guy who is not worth loving.
The poem was instantaniously made (as per all my writings). And then i sent it in a competition in poetry.com website and was chosen for the final read-out in Florida, US. They will publish mine along with the finales and those who sent in their entry in volumes of books in US.
Unfortunately for me at that time, i didnt have the money to travel to Florida to read out my poem to the public, and also regretfully i didnt buy the poetry books.
Sigh. But that was an amazing experience. To be appreciated for my writing. My poem. Which was my first. My first English poem.
I present to you, It's What Love Makes You:
It’s what love makes you
feel,
happy
beautiful
wonder
strange
and
loss, frustration, sadness
It’s what love makes you
become,
confident
and yourself
and also
fragile and vulnerable
It’s what love makes you
become what you are today
USM 04/05
18 June 2010
The poem was instantaniously made (as per all my writings). And then i sent it in a competition in poetry.com website and was chosen for the final read-out in Florida, US. They will publish mine along with the finales and those who sent in their entry in volumes of books in US.
Unfortunately for me at that time, i didnt have the money to travel to Florida to read out my poem to the public, and also regretfully i didnt buy the poetry books.
Sigh. But that was an amazing experience. To be appreciated for my writing. My poem. Which was my first. My first English poem.
I present to you, It's What Love Makes You:
It’s what love makes you
feel,
happy
beautiful
wonder
strange
and
loss, frustration, sadness
It’s what love makes you
become,
confident
and yourself
and also
fragile and vulnerable
It’s what love makes you
become what you are today
USM 04/05
18 June 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Dedikasi Bagi Setiap Yang Menyentuh
Buat mereka yang bernama
lelaki
Yang pernah menyentuh
perasaanku
Teringat memori diluangkan
bersama
Gelak tawa riang ria
Mengukir senyuman di wajah
Tiap kali hadir
ke jiwa
Dedikasi bagi setiap dari
mereka
Yang menyentuh sesuatu
dalam diri
Sungguh ku amat
hargai
Persahabatan kamu, kamu
dan kamu ini
Sedikit sesal kekadang
Mengingatkan akhirannya
yang terjadi
Dilepaskan, dibiarkan renggang
Dipersia, ada jua
dipermain
Sengaja atau tidak
Kini ku tidak boleh
biarkan
ia sendiri
Ia, memori
Datang kembali mencuit hati
Mesrakan, pesonakan
Mainkan, hiburkan
Buat ku tersenyum seorang
Buat ku tertawa girang
Buat ku berbunga-bunga
hati
Kebetulan
atau takdir
Pertemuan kali kedua ini
tidak akan
dipersiakan
Moga membawa makna
15 Jun 2010
lelaki
Yang pernah menyentuh
perasaanku
Teringat memori diluangkan
bersama
Gelak tawa riang ria
Mengukir senyuman di wajah
Tiap kali hadir
ke jiwa
Dedikasi bagi setiap dari
mereka
Yang menyentuh sesuatu
dalam diri
Sungguh ku amat
hargai
Persahabatan kamu, kamu
dan kamu ini
Sedikit sesal kekadang
Mengingatkan akhirannya
yang terjadi
Dilepaskan, dibiarkan renggang
Dipersia, ada jua
dipermain
Sengaja atau tidak
Kini ku tidak boleh
biarkan
ia sendiri
Ia, memori
Datang kembali mencuit hati
Mesrakan, pesonakan
Mainkan, hiburkan
Buat ku tersenyum seorang
Buat ku tertawa girang
Buat ku berbunga-bunga
hati
Kebetulan
atau takdir
Pertemuan kali kedua ini
tidak akan
dipersiakan
Moga membawa makna
15 Jun 2010
Dingin Salju di Kota Rom
Ohhh... hanya Halim Toha pernah membaca tulisan ini.
Ia mengisahkan tiga orang jejaka khayalan saya.
Senyum sendiri mengenangkan percubaan saya menulis sebuah cerpen yang lari dari tema cinta.
Oh ia cinta. Cuma bukan cinta biasa. Bukan klise.
Mengapa tajuk ini? Saya sukakan elemen bertentangan (contradicting) dalam tajuk ini. Negara Rom dan dingin salju adalah jauh sekali konsepnya. Namun, mengapa Rom? Negara itu mengingatkan saya kepada latar sejarah seperti yang digambarkan dalam filem Gladiator, latar yang kejam, keras namun, romantik ada pandangan saya. Romantik kerana ia membawa cerita tersendiri.
Ia menjadi latar konsep semata-mata, namun watak-watak saya tidak berada di Rom. Tidak semuanya.
Jejaka pertama merupakan penulis yang juga seorang playboy.
Seorang jejaka lagi merupakan con artist.
Dan jejaka ketiga merupakan si suami.
Masing-masing mempunyai kisah tersendiri untuk diceritakan kepada pembaca.
Ingin sekali saya berkongsi kisah mereka. Cuma tidak lagi ketemu di mana letaknya.
Hanya satu copy saya ada, harapnya saya akan jumpa kembali letaknya dalam kotak-kotak.
Muse atau inspirasi saya datangnya dari penulis terkenal, Sidney Sheldon. Buku-buku beliau yang saya ambil idea adalah Rage of Angels, yang mengisahkan seorang peguam wanita yang terjebak dalam mafia Itali. Cerit ini saya pindahkan konsep kepada jejaka ketiga, si suami, yang isterinya terlibat dengan kongsi gelap/mafia. Yang akhirnya isterinya terbunuh (atau adakah kembar isterinya?), gosh! saya terlupa.
Sebuah buku tulisan beliau yang saya ambil ilham adalah If Tomorrow Comes yang mengisahkan seorang kehidupan seorang wanita yang dipenjarakan kerana ditipu yang kemudiannya menjadi con artist. Saya cuma jadikan jejaka kedua sebagai con artist yang jatuh cinta kepada salah seorang mangsanya. Dan si wanita, yang kaya dan senang, meninggalkan segala-galanya untuk jejaka yang mencabar dirinya.
Watak jejaka pertama, si penulis yang playboy merupakan rekaan saya sendiri. Jejaka tampan yang diminati ramai dengan jutaan buku terjual, merasa kebosanan menjalani kehidupan liarnya dan kehilangan idea menulis, terserempak dengan seorang gadis misteri yang akhirnya memberikan ilham untuknya menulis dan kemudiannya mengubah dirinya.
Saya cintakan ketiga-tiga jejaka dalam Dingin Salju Di Kota Rom. Mereka semuanya merupakan lelaki idaman saya.
18 Jun 2010
Ia mengisahkan tiga orang jejaka khayalan saya.
Senyum sendiri mengenangkan percubaan saya menulis sebuah cerpen yang lari dari tema cinta.
Oh ia cinta. Cuma bukan cinta biasa. Bukan klise.
Mengapa tajuk ini? Saya sukakan elemen bertentangan (contradicting) dalam tajuk ini. Negara Rom dan dingin salju adalah jauh sekali konsepnya. Namun, mengapa Rom? Negara itu mengingatkan saya kepada latar sejarah seperti yang digambarkan dalam filem Gladiator, latar yang kejam, keras namun, romantik ada pandangan saya. Romantik kerana ia membawa cerita tersendiri.
Ia menjadi latar konsep semata-mata, namun watak-watak saya tidak berada di Rom. Tidak semuanya.
Jejaka pertama merupakan penulis yang juga seorang playboy.
Seorang jejaka lagi merupakan con artist.
Dan jejaka ketiga merupakan si suami.
Masing-masing mempunyai kisah tersendiri untuk diceritakan kepada pembaca.
Ingin sekali saya berkongsi kisah mereka. Cuma tidak lagi ketemu di mana letaknya.
Hanya satu copy saya ada, harapnya saya akan jumpa kembali letaknya dalam kotak-kotak.
Muse atau inspirasi saya datangnya dari penulis terkenal, Sidney Sheldon. Buku-buku beliau yang saya ambil idea adalah Rage of Angels, yang mengisahkan seorang peguam wanita yang terjebak dalam mafia Itali. Cerit ini saya pindahkan konsep kepada jejaka ketiga, si suami, yang isterinya terlibat dengan kongsi gelap/mafia. Yang akhirnya isterinya terbunuh (atau adakah kembar isterinya?), gosh! saya terlupa.
Sebuah buku tulisan beliau yang saya ambil ilham adalah If Tomorrow Comes yang mengisahkan seorang kehidupan seorang wanita yang dipenjarakan kerana ditipu yang kemudiannya menjadi con artist. Saya cuma jadikan jejaka kedua sebagai con artist yang jatuh cinta kepada salah seorang mangsanya. Dan si wanita, yang kaya dan senang, meninggalkan segala-galanya untuk jejaka yang mencabar dirinya.
Watak jejaka pertama, si penulis yang playboy merupakan rekaan saya sendiri. Jejaka tampan yang diminati ramai dengan jutaan buku terjual, merasa kebosanan menjalani kehidupan liarnya dan kehilangan idea menulis, terserempak dengan seorang gadis misteri yang akhirnya memberikan ilham untuknya menulis dan kemudiannya mengubah dirinya.
Saya cintakan ketiga-tiga jejaka dalam Dingin Salju Di Kota Rom. Mereka semuanya merupakan lelaki idaman saya.
18 Jun 2010
Ilham Sakura
Ilham Sakura merupakan cerita pendek pertama yang diterbitkan. Secara rasminya dalam majalah sekolah menengah saya.
Dari mana mendapat inspirasi untuk menulisnya? Saya rasa ia berpunca dari kegemaran saya menonton drama Jepun pada petang Sabtu dan Ahad pukul 6.00. Pada waktu itu, Malaysia dibanjiri kehadiran drama-drama cinta Jepun yang menyeronokkan.
Budaya Jepun pada ketika itu sedang mengalami perubahan dari segi pemikiran. Gelombang hedonisme Barat berjaya menyelusup ke dalam pemikiran anak-anak muda Jepun yang kemudiannya memungkinkan drama Jepun mempertontonkan suatu karya yang menarik bagi saya pada ketika itu.
Salah satu fenomena yang menjadi kegilaan adalah cinta. Cinta merupakan suatu rutin biasa yang perlu, mesti dititipkan ke dalam sesebuah cerita. Kegemaran saya adalah With Love, lakonan Takuya Kimura yang sangat kacak, bersama si heroin yang kurang dikenali. Malah, drama ini tidak begitu dikenali di kalangan penonton Malaysia pun. Ia merupakan drama kedua/ketiga dipertontonkan di TV3 pada waktu itu. Saya sering kali menggemari sesuatu yang kurang popular. Ia lebih, mencabar.
Berbalik kepada fenomena cinta itu tadi, Ilham Sakura juga datangnya dari sumber cinta. Cinta antara seorang mahasiswa Melayu dengan seorang gadis Jepun. Cinta yang datang dari perasaan semata-mata. Tidak dicari. Terjumpa secara tidak sengaja. Takdir.
Saya percaya ia boleh berlaku dan boleh direalisasikan, hanya jika seseorang individu itu mempercayai dan mengikut perasaan itu. Saya rasa latar belakang cerita pendek saya diilhamkan dari drama Jepun yang berjaya memperlihatkan pemandangan yang indah dan memberikan inspirasi cinta daripada kelopak bunga sakura.
Di sekolah menengah lagi, telah wujudnya inspirasi/ilham yang pelbagai. Yang memberontak mahu dilepaskan. Maka banyaklah karya yang saya hasilkan. Cerpenlah paling aktif dihasilkan ketika itu. Ada 10 -15 cerpen dihasilkan. Sebuah novel pendek juga berjaya dihabiskan.
Mula-mula, cerpen hanya berkisar soal cinta yang cliche. Namun suatu saya mahukan, yang saya tentukan latar penceritaannya. Yang penghujungnya suatu yang saya suka. Saya mahukan kuasa menentukan bentuk cerita yang saya mahukan.
Happy ending.
Mungkin sekali saya hidup dalam fairy tale. Mungkin sekali ia suatu escapism dari realiti dunia saya. Oh saya tidak mengatakan dunia realiti saya hodoh. Jauh sekali. Saya berjaya capai apa yang saya citakan dalam dunia realiti saya. Saya puas hati. Pada masa yang sama, terdapat adventure lain yang saya ingin ceburi dan melalui penulisanlah saya luahkan.
Barang kali, genre cinta menjadi suatu kegemaran kerana ia membolehkan suatu fantasi direalitikan? Suatu yang saya tidak suka dan tolak dalam dunia realiti saya benarkan ia bernafas dan mengalir dalam dunia penulisan?
Oh saya amat gembira. Idea dan ilham datang mencurah-curah. Mengalir deras. Banyak yang saya mahu tulis dan lahirkan dalam perkataan.
Mungkin sekali pembaca akan lebih memahami apa yang saya maksudkan apabila membaca Ilham Sakura. Saya selitkan sekali puisi bertajuk Ilham Sakura di akhir cerita bagi membenarkan salah satu genre yang saya mahu telusuri dipertontonkan. Diperlihatkan.
13 Jun 2010
Dari mana mendapat inspirasi untuk menulisnya? Saya rasa ia berpunca dari kegemaran saya menonton drama Jepun pada petang Sabtu dan Ahad pukul 6.00. Pada waktu itu, Malaysia dibanjiri kehadiran drama-drama cinta Jepun yang menyeronokkan.
Budaya Jepun pada ketika itu sedang mengalami perubahan dari segi pemikiran. Gelombang hedonisme Barat berjaya menyelusup ke dalam pemikiran anak-anak muda Jepun yang kemudiannya memungkinkan drama Jepun mempertontonkan suatu karya yang menarik bagi saya pada ketika itu.
Salah satu fenomena yang menjadi kegilaan adalah cinta. Cinta merupakan suatu rutin biasa yang perlu, mesti dititipkan ke dalam sesebuah cerita. Kegemaran saya adalah With Love, lakonan Takuya Kimura yang sangat kacak, bersama si heroin yang kurang dikenali. Malah, drama ini tidak begitu dikenali di kalangan penonton Malaysia pun. Ia merupakan drama kedua/ketiga dipertontonkan di TV3 pada waktu itu. Saya sering kali menggemari sesuatu yang kurang popular. Ia lebih, mencabar.
Berbalik kepada fenomena cinta itu tadi, Ilham Sakura juga datangnya dari sumber cinta. Cinta antara seorang mahasiswa Melayu dengan seorang gadis Jepun. Cinta yang datang dari perasaan semata-mata. Tidak dicari. Terjumpa secara tidak sengaja. Takdir.
Saya percaya ia boleh berlaku dan boleh direalisasikan, hanya jika seseorang individu itu mempercayai dan mengikut perasaan itu. Saya rasa latar belakang cerita pendek saya diilhamkan dari drama Jepun yang berjaya memperlihatkan pemandangan yang indah dan memberikan inspirasi cinta daripada kelopak bunga sakura.
Di sekolah menengah lagi, telah wujudnya inspirasi/ilham yang pelbagai. Yang memberontak mahu dilepaskan. Maka banyaklah karya yang saya hasilkan. Cerpenlah paling aktif dihasilkan ketika itu. Ada 10 -15 cerpen dihasilkan. Sebuah novel pendek juga berjaya dihabiskan.
Mula-mula, cerpen hanya berkisar soal cinta yang cliche. Namun suatu saya mahukan, yang saya tentukan latar penceritaannya. Yang penghujungnya suatu yang saya suka. Saya mahukan kuasa menentukan bentuk cerita yang saya mahukan.
Happy ending.
Mungkin sekali saya hidup dalam fairy tale. Mungkin sekali ia suatu escapism dari realiti dunia saya. Oh saya tidak mengatakan dunia realiti saya hodoh. Jauh sekali. Saya berjaya capai apa yang saya citakan dalam dunia realiti saya. Saya puas hati. Pada masa yang sama, terdapat adventure lain yang saya ingin ceburi dan melalui penulisanlah saya luahkan.
Barang kali, genre cinta menjadi suatu kegemaran kerana ia membolehkan suatu fantasi direalitikan? Suatu yang saya tidak suka dan tolak dalam dunia realiti saya benarkan ia bernafas dan mengalir dalam dunia penulisan?
Oh saya amat gembira. Idea dan ilham datang mencurah-curah. Mengalir deras. Banyak yang saya mahu tulis dan lahirkan dalam perkataan.
Mungkin sekali pembaca akan lebih memahami apa yang saya maksudkan apabila membaca Ilham Sakura. Saya selitkan sekali puisi bertajuk Ilham Sakura di akhir cerita bagi membenarkan salah satu genre yang saya mahu telusuri dipertontonkan. Diperlihatkan.
13 Jun 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Lelaki Itu
Lelaki itu
Dengan lawaknya yang tak diduga
Dengan lelucon yg mengada
Dengan maksud tersirat yang dilempar
Menyebabkan aku keliru
Bagaikan bait lirik lagu
'Ku Katakan Dengan Indah'
yang berbunyi
Kau beri rasa yang berbeda, mungkinku salah
Mungkin sekali aku yang salah
Salah mentafsir makna yang disampai
Jangan sampai hati terluka
Mengharap pada yang tidak diketahui
wajarannya
Mengapa dalam suka ada duka
Itukah makna perasaan
yang diingini oleh semua
Ah, tidak serik-serik lagi rupanya
Tidak mengaku kalah dalam keinginan
Untuk mendapatkan
Lelaki itu
14 Disember 2007
Dengan lawaknya yang tak diduga
Dengan lelucon yg mengada
Dengan maksud tersirat yang dilempar
Menyebabkan aku keliru
Bagaikan bait lirik lagu
'Ku Katakan Dengan Indah'
yang berbunyi
Kau beri rasa yang berbeda, mungkinku salah
Mungkin sekali aku yang salah
Salah mentafsir makna yang disampai
Jangan sampai hati terluka
Mengharap pada yang tidak diketahui
wajarannya
Mengapa dalam suka ada duka
Itukah makna perasaan
yang diingini oleh semua
Ah, tidak serik-serik lagi rupanya
Tidak mengaku kalah dalam keinginan
Untuk mendapatkan
Lelaki itu
14 Disember 2007
Dari Kaca Mata Orang Biasa
Banyak sudah perbincangan dan percakapan didengari dan dibaca mengenai aspek kebahasaan dan kepenggunaannya di kalangan masyarakat; persoalan yang sering diutarakan adalah berkenaan kepentingannya dalam aspek masyarakat kini.
Kita sudah maklum akan pendirian dari pencinta bahasa, seperti para sasterawan dan kalangan penulis. Kita juga mendengar sudah pendirian dari pihak kerajaan dan kalangan yang mahukan kemajuan. Namun untuk mengetahui pandangan dan perspektif sebenar peri pentingnya bahasa di kalangan orang muda, remaja dan belia, bukankah lebih baik kalau ditanya pendapat kami sendiri.
Kami yang perlu ditanya adalah golongan remaja biasa, dari latar belakang pelbagai, sederhana akademik dan latar belakang keluarga. Bukan berasal dari latar belakang keluarga berakademik mahupun berada, hanya orang biasa yang sederhana. Pendapat merekalah yang penulis rasa perlu diketengahkan bagi menilai isi hati yang sebenar.
Kita tahu kalau dibincang dari segi pendapat pihak yang cintakan bahasa ibunda, tentulah pro sahaja dari segi menyokong penggunaan bahasa Malaysia di peringkat kebangsaan dan kontra isunya dari segi penggunaan bahasa Inggeris supaya diperluaskan hingga merosakkan bahasa ibundanya.
Dan jika didengar pula pendapat pihak kerajaan, tentulah mereka mengatakan tentang peri pentingnya bahasa Inggeris sebagai medium perantaraan Malaysia dengan negara luar dan kepentingannya dari aspek kemajuan ekonomi.
Namun begitu, penulis, yang melihat dan mendengar serta membaca luahan dan permintaan serta gesaan dari kedua-dua pihak ini merasakan ada perlunya menulis bagi meluahkan hati dari sudut orang biasa.
Orang biasa macam saya merasakan ada perlunya kedua-dua bahasa. Namun disebabkan keperluan masa kini yang mahukan kita menguasai bahasa Inggeris, maka kami dikehendaki mempelajari dan menuturkan bahasa ini. Dasar kerajaan dan pengaruh media menyebabkan bahasa ini tidak asing lagi dalam kehidupan seharian terutamanya bagi mereka yang menetap di bandar. Malah, pengaruh yang sangat kuat berkenaan bahasa bekas penjajah menyebabkan ramai yang menganggap bahasa ini lebih baik dari bahasa Malaysia dan bahasa ini lebih utama. Bagi penulis yang hanya berusia 20-an, pendapat sedemikian sememangnya mempengaruhi sedikit sebanyak cara pemikiran penulis. Penulis mengakui kadang-kadang menggunakan bahasa Inggeris terutamanya apabila bergaul dengan mereka yang berbangsa Cina dan India. Tujuannya dua, satu untuk membuktikan bahasa orang Melayu boleh berbahasa Inggeris dengan lancar, dan kedua, untuk memudahkan mereka memahami percakapan penulis.
Namun satu yang penulis ingin tegaskan, iaitu penulis apabila bertutur, seboleh-bolehnya menggunakan satu bahasa saja sewaktu bertutur dan mengelakkan dari mencampur-adukkan kedua-dua bahasa. Penulis tidak akan menggunakan bahasa rojak kecuali jika penulis tidak tahu perkataan Inggeris bagi perkataan bahasa Malaysia yang hendak disampaikan. Dan penulis juga tidak akan menuturkan bahasa Inggeris dalam perbualan seharian kecuali jika benar-benar perlu. Bagi penulis tidak perlulah dimegah-megahkan sangat menggunakan bahasa Inggeris, cukuplah menggunakannya bila perlu.
25 Ogos 2008
Kita sudah maklum akan pendirian dari pencinta bahasa, seperti para sasterawan dan kalangan penulis. Kita juga mendengar sudah pendirian dari pihak kerajaan dan kalangan yang mahukan kemajuan. Namun untuk mengetahui pandangan dan perspektif sebenar peri pentingnya bahasa di kalangan orang muda, remaja dan belia, bukankah lebih baik kalau ditanya pendapat kami sendiri.
Kami yang perlu ditanya adalah golongan remaja biasa, dari latar belakang pelbagai, sederhana akademik dan latar belakang keluarga. Bukan berasal dari latar belakang keluarga berakademik mahupun berada, hanya orang biasa yang sederhana. Pendapat merekalah yang penulis rasa perlu diketengahkan bagi menilai isi hati yang sebenar.
Kita tahu kalau dibincang dari segi pendapat pihak yang cintakan bahasa ibunda, tentulah pro sahaja dari segi menyokong penggunaan bahasa Malaysia di peringkat kebangsaan dan kontra isunya dari segi penggunaan bahasa Inggeris supaya diperluaskan hingga merosakkan bahasa ibundanya.
Dan jika didengar pula pendapat pihak kerajaan, tentulah mereka mengatakan tentang peri pentingnya bahasa Inggeris sebagai medium perantaraan Malaysia dengan negara luar dan kepentingannya dari aspek kemajuan ekonomi.
Namun begitu, penulis, yang melihat dan mendengar serta membaca luahan dan permintaan serta gesaan dari kedua-dua pihak ini merasakan ada perlunya menulis bagi meluahkan hati dari sudut orang biasa.
Orang biasa macam saya merasakan ada perlunya kedua-dua bahasa. Namun disebabkan keperluan masa kini yang mahukan kita menguasai bahasa Inggeris, maka kami dikehendaki mempelajari dan menuturkan bahasa ini. Dasar kerajaan dan pengaruh media menyebabkan bahasa ini tidak asing lagi dalam kehidupan seharian terutamanya bagi mereka yang menetap di bandar. Malah, pengaruh yang sangat kuat berkenaan bahasa bekas penjajah menyebabkan ramai yang menganggap bahasa ini lebih baik dari bahasa Malaysia dan bahasa ini lebih utama. Bagi penulis yang hanya berusia 20-an, pendapat sedemikian sememangnya mempengaruhi sedikit sebanyak cara pemikiran penulis. Penulis mengakui kadang-kadang menggunakan bahasa Inggeris terutamanya apabila bergaul dengan mereka yang berbangsa Cina dan India. Tujuannya dua, satu untuk membuktikan bahasa orang Melayu boleh berbahasa Inggeris dengan lancar, dan kedua, untuk memudahkan mereka memahami percakapan penulis.
Namun satu yang penulis ingin tegaskan, iaitu penulis apabila bertutur, seboleh-bolehnya menggunakan satu bahasa saja sewaktu bertutur dan mengelakkan dari mencampur-adukkan kedua-dua bahasa. Penulis tidak akan menggunakan bahasa rojak kecuali jika penulis tidak tahu perkataan Inggeris bagi perkataan bahasa Malaysia yang hendak disampaikan. Dan penulis juga tidak akan menuturkan bahasa Inggeris dalam perbualan seharian kecuali jika benar-benar perlu. Bagi penulis tidak perlulah dimegah-megahkan sangat menggunakan bahasa Inggeris, cukuplah menggunakannya bila perlu.
25 Ogos 2008
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