Am i?

Rather than say "I'm stupid" you may say "I lost rationality when comes to love. I know I shouldn't, but heart and love is never about right or wrong, it's about feeling. There is no right and no wrong."

A friend said this to me; i was debatedly telling myself that i am stupid, i am stupid, i am stupid, countless times today.

When i discovered the, for the 2nd time that the possibility he is getting married to his gf is on, it came as to no surprise of course, but it rocked and shaken my nonetheless.

At first i could control the emotions and adrenaline, then as my friend, who told me about it starts to get emotional about it, i broke down in tears. Like a few second. Then i became numb and unfeeling.

Until now. Got teary the second, and cold and unfeeling the later. My mind filled with him every waking moment, every second of every minute of every agonizing feeling and vibe and power in my body. He is in it.

All the memories. And the recalling what he sms-es, or says, or behaves, moves. Everyting. And i wonder does it mean anything? Who am i to you?

When i think how low i put myself in your life, i am so ashamed. You become my priority in my life. You. No one else. I cancelled everything, put down activities, put things on hold, if you're in the picture.

Embarassed my self out in front of you and your friends, degrading myself i think sometimes. To think that she's waiting for you if things doesn't work out? When did this get here? How on earth did i put mysel second in your life?

Or i always been one, and i decided to take it on and see what happens if i keep on trying, hoping, praying that maybe my fairy tale will come true and i will get my happy ending.

I become obsessed with you the first year. Besotted like a puppy. I get to control, learnt, force myself to control me, my actions so that i don't behave like a stupid moron female when im with you.

Alas, it did happened. Alas, i cant regret things that has happened. I refuse to regret cos i take it as something i learn from and move forward. Forward to where? What is there for me in the future? In his future?

Probably none. I refuse to let the negative thinking ruined all the good memories we had shared. Although the negative ones (realistic) might be the thing that keeps me sane and be careful. If i ever am that is.

I jumped on the moving roller coaster, fully knowing what to expect when i accidently fell in love with him; a hard, hard ride, but with interesting, powerful and learning experience.

How i love him. I make excuses for him everytime. Even as i am writing. I should say, no, i wanna say that i understand him. Do i really? I hope so, but i think that i will never know, knowing him

I think i understand him, his way of thinking and such actions he took that i accepted what he did. That's why i can hold on to this illusion for so long. Ah, two years plus is nothing compared to the six one of my gf went through. And she went bitter with it.

I dont want that to happen to me. I refuse to be bitter and hate him in the end. This is not the end yet. And i am not making it to be.

Hope is a powerful thing. Signs from God are everywhere and i dont know why i am blinded that i did not see it. But then, signs can be read many ways. If so, then this is not yet the end.

There's still hope.

Lesson

The pain you felt, you have inflicted upon yourself.

Do you know what is pain?

Pain is a feeling you feel inside cause by something.

In my case, the pain is self inflict. I did it to myself.

I have every chance to run away. Be at peace.

I thought that i am ready. Ready for a new beginning.

But five months? Come on.

Give yourself a break. And i mean a break. Rest your turmoil heart. That has been in war with your mind and your values and other factors surrounding you. Trying to force their way to you.

Listen to my heart? Oh gosh!

I thought that i can handle this. The feeling. But i can't. A slightest chance of doubt and i poured down like a drain of tsunami and lost it.

Why am i confident? Why am i not?

Don't force your feelings. Let it be, someone advices.

Then another too came to me, listen to your heart when it speaks.

I dont know what to trust anymore.

What i believe in? What do i believe in?

Can i just let go and let it be?

What about making the most of it so that i have no regrets and i won't be asking What if?

What about to experiencing new things and not saying No to anything?

I just am drain. Am exhausted.

I always needed God and have faith in life. But it seems that in the last 2-3 years i needed Him more than ever. And become more doubtful.

I never think of suicide but i know i have been thinking of running away from this life now countless times.

I am one of those lost souls who are wandering aimlessly in the world without a cause.

Suddenly i feel a little better. Someone just gave me an answer.

Listen

When your heart speaks, listen!

When the first time that advice was given to me, i listen. But i dont get it. I did not exactly listen. So i make a mistake. And decided on accepting something that i thought at that time is life changing, for the better. For the correct and right path in my life. Exactly what i needed at that time.

I made an error in judgement. Whew i did. I really shouldn;t be making any huge steps at that moment, during that period. Where my heart is fragile, still hasnt healed, is in the healing process. If healing is what i want it to be. Or so i thought.

Now that i got back to where it was before, i realised that i make a fatal decision that will end up hurting others.

Whats wrong with me? Sigh. Am i just confused? I dont know what i want? I was misguided?

What???!

Actually its relatively simple. I always know what i want. Its just that when its so unbearable and i was at my weakest moment, i decided to give up, to not handle it anymore. To refuse to hope.

When i always knew, that what (or to be exact, who) i want is always that same person. That has never changed. No matter how much i tried to stay away, or do something else, to persuade my heart and my brain to accept it, the truth still emerge one way or the other. It always find a way to whisper to me, to my heart.

Only that i didnt listen.

Now that i realise it, that i cant deny it anymore, i have to, have to accept this and be done with it.

So what id i love that person? What if i am in love so much that i cant love another anymore, or accept anyone in my life, maybe like for a long time, or forevor. Or that i will end up alone in the end when he, no, if he didnt pick me in the end. So what.

i dont want regrets remember. So dont make any. And about those frustrations and sorrows and sadness, grief, cries and tears that i went through sometimes in betweens the laughter and the happiness and the love, its normal. With life, the good comes also with the bad.

So i accept both. I accept that when im with him i am the happiest and the most loving person i can be. And i accept that when i am at my low, i will cry and mourn the fact that he is till not mine.

Its fine. Its okay.

I have to learn to love and accept that just because i love someone, doesnt mean in the end he will be mine.

Mencintai bukan bererti memiliki.

Although i wish with all my heart that he will be one day.

I can only hope.

Hope

For the last one month or so, i start to stray back to my old two years long habit. is started to hope. and when that happens, i slowly went back to my old habit of being sad, thinking of minute things, wishing for something so bad that my heart ache and i ended u crying, i feel lonely when i shouldn't, im confused, i dont know what to do and i lost myself.

and the same time, i am back where i want to be. regardless of the consequences. i love it. i feel it is where i should be. enjoying life.

maybe i shouldnt think too much. i did that. but it will come to a point where i should be thinking of where i am and want to head in the future.

my next step is crucial. it decides what i really want.