Memories of a cold, teary night

I still remember that day. It was Thursday night.

When i heard the news. At first i didn't know. No one tells me. Then i followed my instinct and called his housemate. And his housemate, at that time, being caught off guard, had to tell me.

I was hurt cos he didn't tell me. Cos no one told me. Like, they never thought of telling me? I'm like, his.. his.. someone who loves him. Am there for him. Always with him.

I debated with my heart and my head on what to do next. Whether to go, or not. Whether to come and see him.

I have imagined this particular scene for the past 2 years. What would i do if i found out that he's in the hospital? My fantasy tells me that i will come and go to him. No matter what.

So that's what i did that night. Around 9.45pm, i made up my mind to go. but not after asking a few of my good, close friends about what should i do. And all of them said, follow your heart.

So i did. I drove to the hospital, way past my speed limit that i put on myself. Not thinking of anything, crying in the car on the way there. Just thinking of him.

Arriving at PPUM, i park my car by the road side, i didn't care at that time. Didn't care of anything anymore. I didn't even remember whether i locked the car. At that time, crying, i actually ran from my car towards the emergency area. Like soap opera, love story.

I asked the nurse how to go to the room he was warded in. I was nervous. I didn't know what to expect. His friends told me that everyone should've gone back by then. It was 10.30pm when i arrived.

I saw him. On the bed. In pain, weak. So unlike him. His aunt was also there. She happened to be the nurse.

I didn't want to disturb them so i stood further. I just watched. I actually kinda hoping that i wont be meeting any of his friends or his family members there. So that's a relief. The fact that his aunt was there, that cant be helped.

After some time, i finally took the courage to walk close. He has noticed me by then.

I just sit and look at him. of course his aunt never said anything about my teary face. She asked who i am.

I answered, that i was his colleague.

I thought then she would leave. But she didn't. She stayed awhile and was fussing over him. He was in pain, i could see that. And my heart just goes to him. Tears keep threaten to pour but i held it back with utter determination. I don't want to cry in front of them.

His aunt then asked how long will i be staying. I answered that i don't know. She then asked whether ill be working tomorrow. To that i answered yes.

I think she didn't want me there. She doesn't want me to disturb him. I got her intention but i didn't resent that. I understand. But at that time, i just don't care. i just smiled and then knowing that she has said all there is to said, she left. Leaving him with a few advices and prayers to read. And then left.

We didn't say much. Doesn't have to. Only some stuff. I stayed until 5am. He wakes up every half an hour. Uncomfortable. In pain. His legs were bandaged. He had bruises on his hands, shoulders, face.

I cried like every ten minutes.

Nothing matters at that time. I just keep thinking that i don't care about anything anymore. Even if in the end he didn't pick me, i don't care. All i think about is that, i have to be here for him. Now. That's all that matters.

I was so overwhelmed with love that night.

I got back home just before 5am. I had to leave cos i don't want to meet his mom who he said will arrived after Subuh. So i leave.

Arriving home at 5.30am, i planned to sleep like an hour or so.

But i wake up 10 mins before 9am. And i have an important meeting at 9am.

Gosh. LUckily my boss understood. I told them the truth.

Did i mention i forgot dinner last night? And having a sleepless night too, i slept a bit during Friday's lunch hour.

That night i went to visit again. He was transferred to another building after the operation. I went to search for him. And begged to the nurses to let me in even though its way past visiting hours. I guess seeing me almost cry, as i said, this is important. Its important that i come to see him, they let me in, saying only 15 mins.

I stayed until 2.30am.

That night i knew that this will be my last visit. I just knew it. Before i left i said, 'u take care of yourself k'. Then i bent over him, and kiss his forehead. I was trying very hard not to cry at that time.

I have a feeling this will be the last time.

Then i left. Walking slowly at that time. Lost in my thoughts. Feeling drained.

Then i got sick on Saturday and Sunday. Whew! What a drama.

I am crying silently while writing this. I need to let go. I need to do this. Cos I still cry every time i remember this. Still do.

Gosh. i love him so much that it hurts. Id give almost anything for him.

In the end, i am still not his choice.

But since i don't want any regrets, that's a chance i got to take. I want to give my all trying to fight for his love. I don't want to look back and wonder 'what if'.

I don't want any regrets.