Listen

When your heart speaks, listen!

When the first time that advice was given to me, i listen. But i dont get it. I did not exactly listen. So i make a mistake. And decided on accepting something that i thought at that time is life changing, for the better. For the correct and right path in my life. Exactly what i needed at that time.

I made an error in judgement. Whew i did. I really shouldn;t be making any huge steps at that moment, during that period. Where my heart is fragile, still hasnt healed, is in the healing process. If healing is what i want it to be. Or so i thought.

Now that i got back to where it was before, i realised that i make a fatal decision that will end up hurting others.

Whats wrong with me? Sigh. Am i just confused? I dont know what i want? I was misguided?

What???!

Actually its relatively simple. I always know what i want. Its just that when its so unbearable and i was at my weakest moment, i decided to give up, to not handle it anymore. To refuse to hope.

When i always knew, that what (or to be exact, who) i want is always that same person. That has never changed. No matter how much i tried to stay away, or do something else, to persuade my heart and my brain to accept it, the truth still emerge one way or the other. It always find a way to whisper to me, to my heart.

Only that i didnt listen.

Now that i realise it, that i cant deny it anymore, i have to, have to accept this and be done with it.

So what id i love that person? What if i am in love so much that i cant love another anymore, or accept anyone in my life, maybe like for a long time, or forevor. Or that i will end up alone in the end when he, no, if he didnt pick me in the end. So what.

i dont want regrets remember. So dont make any. And about those frustrations and sorrows and sadness, grief, cries and tears that i went through sometimes in betweens the laughter and the happiness and the love, its normal. With life, the good comes also with the bad.

So i accept both. I accept that when im with him i am the happiest and the most loving person i can be. And i accept that when i am at my low, i will cry and mourn the fact that he is till not mine.

Its fine. Its okay.

I have to learn to love and accept that just because i love someone, doesnt mean in the end he will be mine.

Mencintai bukan bererti memiliki.

Although i wish with all my heart that he will be one day.

I can only hope.