How hurtful it is

"It Will Rain" by Bruno Mars

If you ever leave me, baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
'Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don't have it anymore.

There's no religion that could save me
No matter how long my knees are on the floor
So keep in mind all the sacrifices I'm makin'
To keep you by my side
To keep you from walkin' out the door.

'Cause there'll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday, it'll rain, rain, rain

I'll never be your mother's favorite
Your daddy can't even look me in the eye
Ooh, if I was in their shoes, I'd be doing the same thing
Sayin' "There goes my little girl
Walkin' with that troublesome guy"

But they're just afraid of something they can't understand
Ooh, but little darlin' watch me change their minds
Yeah for you I'll try I'll try I'll try I'll try
I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding
If that'll make you mine

'Cause there'll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday, it'll rain, rain, rain.

Oh, don't just say (don't just say) goodbye (goodbye),
Don't just say (don't just say) goodbye (goodbye)
I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding
If that'll make it right

'Cause there'll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday, it'll rain, rain, rain

Commitment

I have made that commitment to him.

To wait for him.

And I will.

No matter how much it hurts.

I will, because, i love him.

Kembali ke Asal

We talked.

I wanted it to be as rational as i planned it to be.

And yes, i lost control. Stupid me!

Then i calmed back.

Driving back home after seeing him, i didn't shed a tear.

But i'm numb. My head is filled with questions, and scenarios.

And answers.

I dig deep.


When i first realise that i am in love with him,

I cried cos, i know how tough loving him will be.

But i swore that i will try to gain his love.

And i did.

Now that we are in a relationship, i sort of forgot.

What i said to myself.

That i would bear it, this love, because of one thing,

the faith that i have on him.

I have absolute faith and hope on him, that i can wait for him til now.

That i can continue to accept him as he is and bear all the challenges threw at me.

Now i am being reminded that no matter what, i would keep my words and wait.

I will continue to wait for you Laling.

That's how strong my sense of love, loyalty and faith for you.

I just hope you don't take me for granted.

Test

I've been tested again.

It's like my first time, i was shaking, numb, holding my tears.

I was in the office, a few hours ago, when i received a message.

I was shocked. I could feel my heart just breaks.

I wish..

I don't know what to believe any more.

Why are you doing this to me?

I valiantly control myself, until now.

I know, i will get the answer from him.

I want the truth. And nothing but.

Because i deserve more, and better than this!

Revelation

Suddenly it hit me.

Growing up i used to imagine being able to experience a wonderful, special 27th year.

And only now, nearing the end of 27 years, today, just now that it hit me.

I'm with En.Laling on my 27th year; more accurately on 9th of January.

That's my special, wonderful 27th year!

How weird is that, something that i want and set when i was a growing up,

actually came true.

Failure

I cried.

I have failed yet again to hold my tears.

Hope

Sometimes, hope is scary.

It hurts when your hope wasn't fulfilled.

Regardless, i still hope.

If I don't have any, I wouldn't accept this love God gives me to feel.

And I have hope unto him.

Him, as in God.

And him, as in the guy that i am in love with, still.

That feeling of wonder that i have been feeling since forever, is still in me.

I love that.

I love that, i still am, in love with him.

Finally...

Finally, i cry just now.

A bit. Briefly, like 10 seconds of crying,
while under the shower.

But, finally, i cry.
Its so difficult to cry, when all you life
you always trained yourself to hold it.

Till now, i still think that crying
is an act of weaknesses.
Although i admit to the fact that
it help releases the misery, and sadness
that contains inside you with it.

So i cry. And the worry-ness, sadness and patient,
has finally turned into anger, mad.
I am so mad!

I try, oh believe me, God i have tried.
Tried to be patient.
Tried to be understanding.
Tried so hard to be what he wants me to be.
Whereas i shouldn't be pretending.
I shouldn't be even thinking of being
someone else.
I should just be me.

Oh what? If i erupted and be angry,
that my value will decrease and he will
leave me?
How stupid that i think of that?
It makes me so insecure and scared that
he even thinks of that.

I mean, i accepted him regardless of all his faults.
And he has many. That i don't really care or worry about
cos i know him. I know what he is capable of.
I know what he can be. I have hope.

Obviously he seems to not share the same aspire as
i am.
Do something wrong and you're out!

Huh, how stupid he can be,
and i don't think i love a stupid man.
I am in love with a smart man.

He is smart. I believe him to be.
So if he were to take light of me,
oh he makes the biggest mistake of his life.

He will regret it if he lose me.
I said if, cos i know he's not stupid.

I can be patient. I can.
It's just that sometimes
it hurts, especially when he does take me
for granted.