Am i?

Rather than say "I'm stupid" you may say "I lost rationality when comes to love. I know I shouldn't, but heart and love is never about right or wrong, it's about feeling. There is no right and no wrong."

A friend said this to me; i was debatedly telling myself that i am stupid, i am stupid, i am stupid, countless times today.

When i discovered the, for the 2nd time that the possibility he is getting married to his gf is on, it came as to no surprise of course, but it rocked and shaken my nonetheless.

At first i could control the emotions and adrenaline, then as my friend, who told me about it starts to get emotional about it, i broke down in tears. Like a few second. Then i became numb and unfeeling.

Until now. Got teary the second, and cold and unfeeling the later. My mind filled with him every waking moment, every second of every minute of every agonizing feeling and vibe and power in my body. He is in it.

All the memories. And the recalling what he sms-es, or says, or behaves, moves. Everyting. And i wonder does it mean anything? Who am i to you?

When i think how low i put myself in your life, i am so ashamed. You become my priority in my life. You. No one else. I cancelled everything, put down activities, put things on hold, if you're in the picture.

Embarassed my self out in front of you and your friends, degrading myself i think sometimes. To think that she's waiting for you if things doesn't work out? When did this get here? How on earth did i put mysel second in your life?

Or i always been one, and i decided to take it on and see what happens if i keep on trying, hoping, praying that maybe my fairy tale will come true and i will get my happy ending.

I become obsessed with you the first year. Besotted like a puppy. I get to control, learnt, force myself to control me, my actions so that i don't behave like a stupid moron female when im with you.

Alas, it did happened. Alas, i cant regret things that has happened. I refuse to regret cos i take it as something i learn from and move forward. Forward to where? What is there for me in the future? In his future?

Probably none. I refuse to let the negative thinking ruined all the good memories we had shared. Although the negative ones (realistic) might be the thing that keeps me sane and be careful. If i ever am that is.

I jumped on the moving roller coaster, fully knowing what to expect when i accidently fell in love with him; a hard, hard ride, but with interesting, powerful and learning experience.

How i love him. I make excuses for him everytime. Even as i am writing. I should say, no, i wanna say that i understand him. Do i really? I hope so, but i think that i will never know, knowing him

I think i understand him, his way of thinking and such actions he took that i accepted what he did. That's why i can hold on to this illusion for so long. Ah, two years plus is nothing compared to the six one of my gf went through. And she went bitter with it.

I dont want that to happen to me. I refuse to be bitter and hate him in the end. This is not the end yet. And i am not making it to be.

Hope is a powerful thing. Signs from God are everywhere and i dont know why i am blinded that i did not see it. But then, signs can be read many ways. If so, then this is not yet the end.

There's still hope.