Coming to Terms

I thought of whether i make a big deal of it, before my birthday.

Last two years, i did.

But the years before that, i always celebrate it alone in my room.

Pathetic much? I think that it's a reflection of me. Of who i am as a person.

Its not as if there was no celebration afterwards, or n gifts and presents nor no wishes and sms-es and recently, fbs and such.

But when the clock strike 12 midnight, that marked the end and beginning of my life at certain age, i am always; alone.

And usually i never felt so alone than that moment.

Respite.

I always wanted to be 27; growing up. The age held an important, rather special significance for me. At the age 27, i always visualised myself as a successful, happy, respected person. Not rich. That never came into my mind or being my goal. But definitely enough.

I wonder now whether i lived up to that dream of mine. Next month, will be be successful, happy and respected.

Successful in what way? I have a career if thats what you mean. And its not just any career, its something that i wanted. Other than that, i could probably consider myself to be successful in my life so far as i have achieved, if not all, most of what i dreamt of; Head Prefect, Best Female, President of organisations, managing events, Dean's list, an A in a project, english debate, representing university and the country for public speaking, got into the primary service, teach childen to succeed in their studies, have considerable talents in various skills to do some part time jobs, and much more. So much more. But is it enough? Does all this considered successful?

Happy! Now thats vague. Growing up i never really considered myself to be happy. Content, yes. I am seldom happy. I even seldom laughing. Its even harder to surprise me! I always wore this solemn face mask. A face that doesnt betray anything (except to close friends that knows me). How do i consider or count what is happiness? Am i happy now? Right now, as i am writing... i am so afraid to answer. Because i dont know. This may sound much like the 'selfish' entries in the book Eat, Pray, Love; someone who has everything but still feels empty inside. What's missing? I guess the answer is that i lost God along the way. I gotta find Him again inside me. Oh i know He is there for me. I always, embarassingly find Him whenever i feel alone and cry. I need to find Him again.

And respect. That is something i cannot answer. Because i cannot say i am respected. Only other people around me can say, whether they respect me. My mistakes in the past makes me feel not worthy sometimes, in my weaker moments. I feel like i am not THAT good, i am NOT perfect, i DID this and that. I am NOT miss perfect. Or try to be. And that sucks to me. Cos i myself let me be disrespect. People see me as a reflection of what i see myself. Until i learn to love me and respect me, i can't force others to do so.

So in the end, what does being 27 really means to me?

I think the answer is that i get to feel a blessing that i get to live through that 'magical' age. I shouldnt be so hard on myself and over think of minute stuff. I should be blessed.

Now the only thing that i want in this whole wide world, is him. And i just might, might be feeling a little bit more, than just content.