What Was I Thinking

In an attempt to make a
light entri (sambil dengar
lagu Heart Vacancy oleh
The Wanted)

I don't know why
When i have guys
wanting me,
liking me,
loving me,
to be their girl friend,
to be their life partner,
to be their wife,
to be their angel in heaven.

And instead, i chose you.

Wait, maybe i don't choose
you.
More like, it's being
decided by God that
I fall for you.
I don't control what
my heart wants.
I even said 'I hate you'
on our first year of
friendship.

Others, they
will and would, i know,
appreciate me more,
treat me better,
love me more,
lavish me with
their affection, care,
gifts, help,
love.

They would guard me
fiercely, even jealously.
They would ask how my day was,
and how i am, what i have
been doing today, on whether
i am sick, or ok, or sad.

Would be in constant contact,
sms-es, phone calls.
Would find time to see me,
spend time with me.

Would try to please me, makes
me happy, would try to give
full attention to me,
listen to my stories,
fulfilling me wishes.

Would care about my whereabouts,
would not want me to go out
late at night. Would not want me
to put myself in danger.
Would do the gentleman way
and not put any burden on me.

I want all that. Of course!
Every girl alive would want
all the above. That is the 100%
perfect guy. Their prince
charming.

But i don't have that.

Instead i have you.

Someone i hated before, fell in love
with (I did not choose you,
my heart did),
more accurately, God has
destined it to be.

I end up with you.

I have been thinking
a lot lately. Thinking
of the unthinkable.

It's like i dare to do
what i think i wouldn't have
the courage to do before.

I am tired.
I want to forget about
this waiting process and move on.

Move on as in, let go.
I am fed-up with the
constant, nagging worry in
my head and mind about
this uncertainty.

I know, i have waited 3
long years for him.
And when i received some
sort of clarity from him
this year, it became more certain
that i am not waiting on
nothing.

It is there. I am not dreaming.
Us do exists.

But weirdly enough that
when there is an US, it became
more and more difficult to
wait. Its like a want more.

How greedy of me.

Seriously, i thought i can wait.

But its so difficult to wait
now that we are together.

It's just weird.

I am thinking more of letting go.

But at the same time, its just
a small nagging. Its not something
i have the courage to do.
Hopefully i don't. Not ever.
And that i never have to
use that. I hope i never
have to let go.

I sincerely hope with all
my heart, that i can wait.