Me and My Problems

SHIT

I am going to ruin this one.
I am so going to ruin this relationship.

Why? Oh why, oh why do I keep on
blaming me for everything?

Force of habit I guess.
I grew up teaching myself that
change can only happen if
I change myself, if i accept
the fact that I must be the
change. And that is I, if not I
to blame.

In this case, my relationship,
its the same.
Somehow i always blame myself.

Even though i have been writing
a lot about whats wrong and such with
him and our relationship,
and how Both of us, actually
compromise.

Me with this timetable and
his ways and his schedule
and his work and his friends
and his way of thinking and
such.

Him with me and my tantrums, and
my moods, and my dissatisfaction
with his life and the way he
has no time for me, and the fact
that he is always busy
and such.

Sigh.

I am very much afraid that
in the end, he will be
the one who's going to left me
because he can't stand my attitude.

Attitude brought on by
his attitude.

Weird.

The fact that i can't be
patient enough, will
push him away.

Will he left me?

In my past relationship i suddenly
realised that it has always been
me who left first.

Cos i think of things, and i
predict things and i think i
believe in those things and
then i make the decision to
leave cos i don't want them
to leave me first.

And now, i think now
i am doing it all over again.

This thoughts about letting go,
and giving up, and can't be bother
and can't stand it, has left me thinking.

But then, i know, that i still care.
Cos if i don't care, i wouldn't be mad
or sad or disappointed.

As such i am now. Crying in the
car, or in the shower, or
alone in bed at night.

Knowing how much you love that man
despite your pain.

God, what am i to do?
Am i to blame for my own suffering?

There's a saying,
The pain you've felt, you've inflicted upon yourself.

Is that true?
That there is nothing wrong
with this relationship, and i am
simply over think things, creating
problems and such?

Is it so wrong to want my partner
to spend time with me, to put me
as his priority once in a while,
to feel that i am cared for, to feel
that i have a place in his life, to
feel that i am loved?

Please tell me where am I wrong,
cos if those above are things i shouldn't demand
from my lover, then what should i do?

Should i just wait quietly, to only
communicate with him when he wants to?
To only see him only when he is free?
To only spend time with him when
he is available?

God, please tell me
where I am wrong.

I am just so tired.