Playing in my Head

The thought has been
wandering aimlessly in my head
need to write it down.

You see, i jeopardize
my own relationship.

I am afraid of people
leaving me, that i left them
first.

I can't abide to
disloyalty.

I can tolerate anything,
anything at all,
but disloyalty.

I am afraid of him
leaving me that i usually
make that decision to
leave him first.

Lately i have been thinking
of letting him go, cos
i don't think i can stand this
roller coaster emotions playing
with my heart and my head.

It's so hard, to let go.
One minute i can do it.
The other, i am so filled
with anguish and pain
that i wonder,
who am i kidding?

Then i kinda figure it out.
Is it me who actually
drove him away?
Or i just felt that its me
cos i always blame me for
anything that happens in my life?

Whose fault is it?

Is it in him who doesn't
pay attention as i wanted it to be?

Or lies in me who can't understand enough?

Is it in him who refuse to
tolerate and budge from what
he believes is true?

Or in me who failed to understand his wishes?

Is it in him who has his own idea
of what love and being in a
relationship is?

Or in me who has my own idea or what
love is and being in a relationship
is?

Is he the one who doesn't want to
complicate things, wants things
to be simple and easy?

Or in me who over think things,
complicate stuff and being 'too'
in many ways?

Gosh, why am i feeling this way?

Sometimes i wonder why these issues rises?

Is it me?
I don't know.. At times, i can do it.
Sometimes, i just can't.

Am i forcing myself?
Don't i see the truth?
What is the truth?
Is it working?
What is happiness?
Am i happy?
Is this love?

All i know is that, when ever i'm
with him, when ever i'm in his
arms, everything feels so right,
that tears would just brim in
my eyes. And my heart just bursts
with so much love. And i will
feel content. That being with
him is all i ever going to need.

Just one thought;
Are the seconds of paradise
worth the long hours of pain?