Am Crazie About It

"You And I" by Lady Gaga

It’s been a long time since I came around
Been a long time but I’m back in town
This time I’m not leaving without you

You taste like whiskey when you kiss me, oooh
I’ll give anything again to be your baby doll
This time I’m not leaving without you

He said sit back down where you belong
In the corner of my bar with your high heels on
Sit back down on the couch where we
made love for first time and you said to me

Something, something about this place
Something ‘bout lonely nights and my lipstick on your face
Something, something about my cool Nebraska guy
Yeah something about
Baby yoü and I

It`s been two years since I let you go,
I couldn’t listen to a joke or rock `n roll
Muscle cars drove a truck right through my heart

On my birthday you sing me a heart of gold
With a guitar humming and no clothes
This time I'm not leaving without you
Ooh-oh ooh-oh

Sit back down where you belong
In the corner of my bar with your high heels on
Sit back down on the couch where we
made love for first time and you said to me

Something, something about this place
Something ‘bout lonely nights and my lipstick on your face
Something, something about my cool Nebraska guy
Yeah something about
Baby yoü and I

Yoü and I
You, yoü and I
You, yoü and I
You, yoü and I, I
Yoü and I
You, yoü and I
Oh yeah! I'd rather die
Without yoü and I

C’mon!
Put your drinks up!

We got a whole lot of money, but we still pay rent
‘Cause you can’t buy a house in Heaven
There’s only three men that Imma serve my whole life
It’s my daddy and Nebraska and Jesus Christ

Something, something about the chase
Six whole years
I'm a New York woman, born to run you down
So have my lipstick all over your face
Something, something about just knowing when it's right

So put your drinks up, for Nebraska
For Nebraska, Nebraska, I love you

Yoü and I
You, yoü and I
Baby! I rather die!
Without yoü and I

Yoü and I
You, yoü and I
Nebraska! I rather die
Without yoü and I

It’s been a long time since I came around
Been a long time but I’m back in town
This time I’m not leaving without you.

Me and My Problems

SHIT

I am going to ruin this one.
I am so going to ruin this relationship.

Why? Oh why, oh why do I keep on
blaming me for everything?

Force of habit I guess.
I grew up teaching myself that
change can only happen if
I change myself, if i accept
the fact that I must be the
change. And that is I, if not I
to blame.

In this case, my relationship,
its the same.
Somehow i always blame myself.

Even though i have been writing
a lot about whats wrong and such with
him and our relationship,
and how Both of us, actually
compromise.

Me with this timetable and
his ways and his schedule
and his work and his friends
and his way of thinking and
such.

Him with me and my tantrums, and
my moods, and my dissatisfaction
with his life and the way he
has no time for me, and the fact
that he is always busy
and such.

Sigh.

I am very much afraid that
in the end, he will be
the one who's going to left me
because he can't stand my attitude.

Attitude brought on by
his attitude.

Weird.

The fact that i can't be
patient enough, will
push him away.

Will he left me?

In my past relationship i suddenly
realised that it has always been
me who left first.

Cos i think of things, and i
predict things and i think i
believe in those things and
then i make the decision to
leave cos i don't want them
to leave me first.

And now, i think now
i am doing it all over again.

This thoughts about letting go,
and giving up, and can't be bother
and can't stand it, has left me thinking.

But then, i know, that i still care.
Cos if i don't care, i wouldn't be mad
or sad or disappointed.

As such i am now. Crying in the
car, or in the shower, or
alone in bed at night.

Knowing how much you love that man
despite your pain.

God, what am i to do?
Am i to blame for my own suffering?

There's a saying,
The pain you've felt, you've inflicted upon yourself.

Is that true?
That there is nothing wrong
with this relationship, and i am
simply over think things, creating
problems and such?

Is it so wrong to want my partner
to spend time with me, to put me
as his priority once in a while,
to feel that i am cared for, to feel
that i have a place in his life, to
feel that i am loved?

Please tell me where am I wrong,
cos if those above are things i shouldn't demand
from my lover, then what should i do?

Should i just wait quietly, to only
communicate with him when he wants to?
To only see him only when he is free?
To only spend time with him when
he is available?

God, please tell me
where I am wrong.

I am just so tired.

I Don't Know

Loving isn't how I forget, but how I forgive;
Not what I see, but what I feel;
Not how to let go, but how to hold on.

Yeah, i will forgive, feel and hold on to him and our love!

Trust

Can i trust you?

How far can i trust you?

Can i really, really trust you?

Can i trust you with my life?

Cos i think i want to trust you,
and i think i persuade myself to
trust you, because i see the person
that you can be.

Don't betray that trust,
because i do, trust you.

Worth

It's hard to wait around for something you know won't happen,
but it's even harder to stop waiting when you know it's everything you want.

Rules

When you miss him too much,
that you break your own rules.

I don't know what to make of it.

Do you?

Playing in my Head

The thought has been
wandering aimlessly in my head
need to write it down.

You see, i jeopardize
my own relationship.

I am afraid of people
leaving me, that i left them
first.

I can't abide to
disloyalty.

I can tolerate anything,
anything at all,
but disloyalty.

I am afraid of him
leaving me that i usually
make that decision to
leave him first.

Lately i have been thinking
of letting him go, cos
i don't think i can stand this
roller coaster emotions playing
with my heart and my head.

It's so hard, to let go.
One minute i can do it.
The other, i am so filled
with anguish and pain
that i wonder,
who am i kidding?

Then i kinda figure it out.
Is it me who actually
drove him away?
Or i just felt that its me
cos i always blame me for
anything that happens in my life?

Whose fault is it?

Is it in him who doesn't
pay attention as i wanted it to be?

Or lies in me who can't understand enough?

Is it in him who refuse to
tolerate and budge from what
he believes is true?

Or in me who failed to understand his wishes?

Is it in him who has his own idea
of what love and being in a
relationship is?

Or in me who has my own idea or what
love is and being in a relationship
is?

Is he the one who doesn't want to
complicate things, wants things
to be simple and easy?

Or in me who over think things,
complicate stuff and being 'too'
in many ways?

Gosh, why am i feeling this way?

Sometimes i wonder why these issues rises?

Is it me?
I don't know.. At times, i can do it.
Sometimes, i just can't.

Am i forcing myself?
Don't i see the truth?
What is the truth?
Is it working?
What is happiness?
Am i happy?
Is this love?

All i know is that, when ever i'm
with him, when ever i'm in his
arms, everything feels so right,
that tears would just brim in
my eyes. And my heart just bursts
with so much love. And i will
feel content. That being with
him is all i ever going to need.

Just one thought;
Are the seconds of paradise
worth the long hours of pain?

Reminder

Sometimes we waste too much time to think about someone
who doesn't even think about us for a second.

Don't trust too much, don't love too much and don't hope too much.
Because that too much can hurt you so much.

The good thing about arguments is
when you make up with them.

Lessons from Seducing Mr. Perfect

Is it possible to find true love
that won't make me lonely?

Love is a game of power,
a manipulation of emotions.

You shouldn't do that,
smiles, compliments, gestures.
You'll be feeding his ego.
One more thing, if he already has a big ego,
you need to deflate it with some shock therapy.

No, definitely not.
Having sex with him now is like
handing him the game.

If you wanted to be treated like a queen,
then act like one.
How you train your opponent is up to you.

Manipulating people isn't that fun.
It's tiring and hard.

What if in manipulating people,
we lost the pleasure of an honest conversation?
Why use manipulation if we can't discover ones' true feeling?
Have you been happy with that sort of relationship?

Instead of calculating, i want to be honest.
Instead of receiving, i want to give.
Instead of hiding, i want to let out all my feelings.

You silly girl.
Words do not always express ones' feelings.
Look at the eyes!
People can lie with words,
but not with their eyes.

I'm sorry. If i have ever hurt you
in any way, I'm truly sorry.
I sincerely mean that.

You are more than worthy of any man's love.

You are more beautiful than any woman
I've met in my life.
I just want to say that
before i leave.

You jerk.

Since when did you start liking me?
From the first day i met you.
I saw that lipstick mark,
and i wanted to kiss you.

I know, the kind of love i've
always dreamed of really exists.

Guy (when meeting the girl's parents)
Yes, I do love her,
but I don't want to marry her yet.

Perasaan

Amat tawar hati.

I don't know

Distance isn't a big factor in a relationship.
Communication is.

But most of all,
commitment is the biggest.

Realisation

An "I Miss You" would only be worth if there's an "I Miss You Too" in return.

Is It?

Accept joy, even though you're afraid it might end one day! - Paulo Coelho

I think it's heading there. It's ending. I can see the signs.

Late Bloomer

I am a late bloomer.

NOT, referring to my
physical body shape,
mind you.

More like, in being free
and being able to
explore things.

I am very much lucky that
i have that opportunity
to do so after i make that
drastic decision to studied far,
far away from home, Penang.

From there, i kinda like
try anything.

And now, i am blessed with this
boyfriend who
champions the fact that
i want to try new things.

He encourages it. Cos he knows
that i do think about what
i am doing and the consequences.

He does help me becoming
who i am today. He did change me;
i have to admit to be,
err.. i don't know the word.
I don't dare to say it.
Cos it bad.

Anyways, just saying that
for most of others, they do all these
stuff when they were in their teens.

Me, i started late.

But they, who said living life
has an age limit?

It's all about you, baby!

Lost

Laling,

if this is what you want me to be,
then you have succeed.

For i am becoming unfeeling.

If that glorious day do come,
bear in mind that
you just lost me.

Death of Heart

Serasa hati sudah mati.
Macam tiada perasaan.

Itu yang dilalui minggu ini.
Mengapa ya?

Hasil bet yang dibuat?

Takkanlah.

Tapi betullah. Hati semacam
tiada perasaan.
Rasa cinta yang keterlaluan
sudah tiada.
Rasa takut dan sedih kerana
terlalu cinta, juga tiada.

Tiada perasaan.

Tapi jauh di sudut hati, rasanya
memang tahu ada cinta.

Adakah hati sudah mati?

Atau hati ini merajuk?
Merasa bosan dan fed-up
dengan segala.

Hairan, mengapa boleh berlaku?

Sejak dua menjak sudah berani
memikirkan perkara yang tidak
pernah difikirkan pun.

Kalau dahulu, serasa mahu memikirkannya
sudah mengalir air mata berjujuran
kerana enggan memikirkan apa
akan terjadi kalau
tidak bersamanya.

Tapi sekarang, sudah berani.
Bukan berani memikirkan kehidupan
tanpanya. Namun memikirkan, sedikit,
adakah saya enggan menunggu lagi?

Saya lepaskan saja dan tunggu takdir
yang menentukan?

Mengapa mahu mengalah?

Hati saya sudah penat agaknya.
Bosan, merajuk atas segala.

Mungkin bukan semua alasan itu.

Mungkin juga, hati sudah kuat.
Kental dan tabah. Maka
tidak lagi mengalir air mata.
Tidak lagi merasa cinta yang mendalam
atau terlalu amat.

Ah, saya tidak mahu begini.

Saya tidak mahu berada dalam
kehidupan tanpa passion.

Saya mahu merasa cinta yang teramat itu.

Saya mahu menangis, dan ketawa.

Saya mahu memikirkannya setiap saat
walaupun saya merana.

Saya mahu dia sentiasa dalam ingatan
saya walau apa yang saya sedang buat.

Saya mahu melalui cinta yang mendalam
persis dongengan yang kita baca.

Saya mahu semua itu.

Maka hati,
saya tidak percaya yang
awak sudah mati.

Saya terima yang awak sudah penat.

Namun bertahanlah.

Saya tahu awak masih percaya.

Saya tahu awak tabah dan kental.

Saya tahu masih wujud rasa cinta
yang mendalam itu dalam diri awak.

Cuma kini, awak lebih pandai kawal ya.

Tapi, sekali sekala itu...
benarkanlah perasaan cinta yang teramat
itu, muncul ya.

Saya mahu perasaan itu.
Saya mahu hidup dengan perasaan itu.

Ya, saya mahu perasaan cinta
terhadapnya itu, sentiasa membara dalam
diri saya ini

sehingga akhir hayat saya.

On Giving Up

When you're ready to give up,
remember why you held on for so long
and what it meant to you.

Are You?

I can't promise u a perfect relationship without arguments over our differences,
however I can promise u as long as you're trying, then I'm staying.

Understand This

If you don't call me all day I understand,
when you don't text me all day I understand,
when I stop loving you I hope you understand.

So True

Its crazy how you can be in a relationship and STILL feel alone
because that person you love isn't giving you enough attention or love.

The Best So Far

If he loves you, then don't waste that.
You might never be able to get it back.

10 More Quotes (Again) To Express Me Better

1) Never cry for anyone, because those you cry for, don't deserve your tears and those who are deserving will never let you cry.

2) When you meet someone special...you'll know. Your heart will beat more rapidly and you'll smile for no reason.

3) How do you find the words to say goodbye, when your heart don't have the heart to say goodbye?

4) When an #Aquarian falls out of love, they will disappear, and they are the best at disappearing

5) An #Aquarius finds the need to explain everything, just as they'd prefer getting explanations out of you!

6) Isn't it crazy that in life, the person who brings out the best in you & makes you strong, is actually your weakness?

7) You have been in my life for all the right reasons. Ups and downs, no matter the season.

8) The longer you have to wait for something, the more you will appreciate it when it finally arrives.

9) One day you're gonna remember me and how much I loved you... then you're gonna hate yourself for letting me go.

10) To make a relationship work, focus on what you appreciate about the other person, and not your complaints.

What Was I Thinking

In an attempt to make a
light entri (sambil dengar
lagu Heart Vacancy oleh
The Wanted)

I don't know why
When i have guys
wanting me,
liking me,
loving me,
to be their girl friend,
to be their life partner,
to be their wife,
to be their angel in heaven.

And instead, i chose you.

Wait, maybe i don't choose
you.
More like, it's being
decided by God that
I fall for you.
I don't control what
my heart wants.
I even said 'I hate you'
on our first year of
friendship.

Others, they
will and would, i know,
appreciate me more,
treat me better,
love me more,
lavish me with
their affection, care,
gifts, help,
love.

They would guard me
fiercely, even jealously.
They would ask how my day was,
and how i am, what i have
been doing today, on whether
i am sick, or ok, or sad.

Would be in constant contact,
sms-es, phone calls.
Would find time to see me,
spend time with me.

Would try to please me, makes
me happy, would try to give
full attention to me,
listen to my stories,
fulfilling me wishes.

Would care about my whereabouts,
would not want me to go out
late at night. Would not want me
to put myself in danger.
Would do the gentleman way
and not put any burden on me.

I want all that. Of course!
Every girl alive would want
all the above. That is the 100%
perfect guy. Their prince
charming.

But i don't have that.

Instead i have you.

Someone i hated before, fell in love
with (I did not choose you,
my heart did),
more accurately, God has
destined it to be.

I end up with you.

I have been thinking
a lot lately. Thinking
of the unthinkable.

It's like i dare to do
what i think i wouldn't have
the courage to do before.

I am tired.
I want to forget about
this waiting process and move on.

Move on as in, let go.
I am fed-up with the
constant, nagging worry in
my head and mind about
this uncertainty.

I know, i have waited 3
long years for him.
And when i received some
sort of clarity from him
this year, it became more certain
that i am not waiting on
nothing.

It is there. I am not dreaming.
Us do exists.

But weirdly enough that
when there is an US, it became
more and more difficult to
wait. Its like a want more.

How greedy of me.

Seriously, i thought i can wait.

But its so difficult to wait
now that we are together.

It's just weird.

I am thinking more of letting go.

But at the same time, its just
a small nagging. Its not something
i have the courage to do.
Hopefully i don't. Not ever.
And that i never have to
use that. I hope i never
have to let go.

I sincerely hope with all
my heart, that i can wait.

What I Am Feeling Now

"Someone Like You" by Adele

I heard
That you're settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you're
Married now

I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you

Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I begged
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I begged
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I begged
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I begged
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead

Uh huh

Tears are words that need to be written - Paulo Coelho

Uh huh.
Macam tau-tau aja what i
am feeling at the moment.

There are, some personal
stuff that i want to write.
Not necessarily share, but
yeah, write it down.

Me, being a writer...
That's how i show my emotions.

A gf said that, susah nak nampak emmy marah.
So true.

Susah juga nak nampak me sad.

Simpan aja.

Cuma kepada kawan-kawan rapat, dan
dia aja tau.

But do they appreciate?
After knowing the real me,
who is not as strong as i
may seem?

Do you know people who appear
to be strong is the one that
needs the most love?

I detect a regret in you laling.
Please don't be. I am only
human. I sure can wait for
you but there will be times
when i am at my lowest and i just
cry and felt so lost.

And i just want you to be
there (here) for me.

What am i babbling here?

Oh, tears. Yes, they are
powerful. I seldom used it.
Cuma at the urging of some
makciks, that they advised
me to sometimes show my tears to
you laling, so that you know
that i suffer.

I may look strong, and yes, i am.
But in the end, i am only human,
a female albeit.

Please understand that.

In relationship (which we are;
according to your own words),
there has to be a give and a take.
There can't be one person understands
and do all the giving.
It has to be both.

It takes two to tango,
and it takes US to make our
relationship works.

I know i love you deeply,
I know i will wait for you
patiently,
I know i will try my utmost
best to be with you, and
to make our relationship
works, but
don't just rely on me to
make it happen.
I am only human. There are no guarantee
when one day my heart just gave
up and i will have to go away,
for waiting too long for you
to realize my worth.

I am not saying that
you are Bad now. You are okay.
You try, sometimes. I understand you.
And that is why i can still wait for you.

Just, word of precaution,
don't take me for granted.
Once in a while, do
remember that i am here,
waiting for you. Try to
look for me, from your
busy life, me, waiting in
one corner for you.

Waiting for you to treat
me as i am worth.

I love you, too much.
(Should try to decrease it,
so that it will hurt less..
but i can't)

I am just in love with you.

Make You Feel My Love

By Adele

When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you
Haven't made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong

I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet

I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love

Words

Paulo Coelho: Sometimes it’s what you don’t say that counts"

I have a hard time
expressing my feeling
verbally.

I guess most true writers
are like that. They are not
good in expressing what they
feel upfront, in front of
people.

They do it better in
words.

I am one too. That's why i
write. And then i will e-mail
him what i wrote.

Before this i did not
inform him. But let's say that
there are some 'friends'
inform him of my blog and
he starts reading it.

There goes my silent love
letter to him.

But weirdly enough, its a
blessing. Cos now, he knows
how i feel. And it helped
with our relationship. To
become where it is right now.

Like the entri on i dreamt a dream.

That entri sparks what
happened on the 9th of Jan.

The entri when he was hospitalized
for accident, now that one,
he confessed makes him sad.

I believe in writing what i am
feeling at that moment so
that the words become alive for those
who read it and it becomes
believable.

You, my laling are those
guys who finds it hard
to say what you are feeling
in words kan.

You told me that what
you feel, i can feel by your touch.
I believe that. Since our
first time.

That is why i find it
hard not seeing you. I know your
smses and phone calls doesn't really
convey your feelings.

I want to see you, be with you
in physical, and touch you and
feel your touch so that
i can feel what you are feeling.

And that is, you love me too.

Like i do you.

Will Be There

Laling,
talking to you
i find out something.

This feeling of
realisation, that i
am not in your life.

And you seem lost.
Or maybe just busy,
with too many things
going on.

But i have a feeling
that i am not in your life.

I wasn't that devastated.
Its more like, i was,
in awe, but not shocked.
Its more of a
realisation.

That i am not in your life.

Laling,

Did you ever think of me?
Like i do of you for
every second and every minute
of my life.

Did you include me, in anything
that you do, like
i do mine, thinking that
how wonderful it is if
we were together watching this,
or doing this.

I sense that you are
somewhat lost. Do you
know what you want?

Maybe you just need to
be reminded. You just need to
talk to someone of your
dreams. If so, then our
talk just now is a good one
for you, i hope.

Like it did mine.

I have always been
positive in us. That's how
i survive 4 years
with you. But at the same
time, i am practical enough
to prepare myself for
the inevitable.

I can't even say it.

I refuse to. But you got me.

I know already what i
am going to do, if the worst
happen.

I imagine myself living
like Jane Austen. After her
first and only love tumbled,
she lived alone and wrote.

That's what i imagine myself
to do. Oh laling, know that
there won't be anyone else
in my life, than you.

For i can't imagine forcing
myself to live without love.

Love that i feel only
towards you. Unexplainable,
ungovernable, like a riot
in the heart and nothing
to be tamed of.

I can't explain my love
towards you. I can't. It
baffles me too when i realise
that i fell in love with you.

And being in love with you still.

No matter how you treat me.

Been Wanting

Now that i am really
in a relationship, i
am more aware, more cautious
of not putting any negative
thoughts in the blog.

Its like i refuse to let,
show the negativity (issues?
problems? or just my feelings?)
on paper, typed and make
it real.

It is real. But then
it will pass. It always pass.
But it also comes back.
And it comes in circle, a roller
coaster ride. Up and down. Happiness,
pleasure and pure love balanced
with the tears, sadness, and
frustration.

Deep in my heart, i know
and believe all the good
in our relationship.

Its when i am down, am sad,
am tired, when hormones played a
trick on my brain and heart,
thats when i sometimes crumble
and succumb to temptation.

Temptation to become pushy, clingy,
obsessed, insecure.

I am not that. I am strong.

My friends said that. I know
that. Cuma, sometimes
in my weaker moments, i slip.

And of course im not
at fault. I am only human.
To add at that, i am a female.
Yes, a female with emotions.

No matter how practical or logic
i can be, i am still a female.

Isn't that what attracts you
to me?

That i am me. And that i am different
from other girls.

Please reflect on that
when ever you become frustrated
and angry with me.

Cos i have never been out
of love with you. No matter
what you do or say to me.

I am in love with you.
Always been.
Will always be.

Always. (your words)