Which one is better?

I wonder which emotions is better to feel.
Whether its sad or anger.
I feel angry now.
When slightly second before that
all i am feeling is worried, sad, restless,
disappointed.
Yes, definitely not positive feelings.

I wonder also, when did i last feel happy.
Like, truly happy.
I think there was this one day last week,
when i did.
It was when i ate lunch with some
close-friends colleague.
And that's rare.

You know, when you're one in your crappy mood,
when all you want to do is sleep and dream,
cos somehow dreams are better than reality,
and when you wake up in the morning,
you feel so down, dark, sad, energy-less,
and laugh seems foreign to your face muscle,
and smile is somehow forbidden.
Like, i don't deserve to be happy.

Why am i in this crappy mood?
Whereas i shouldn't!
I think i just lost it, once, yet again.
That motivation, that burning sensation
that pushes me towards my goals,
that strong feeling inside me that
beckons me to live.
I've lost it again, yet, once again.

I have lost it two years ago.
And found it after i was hospitalized.
I went bungee-jump and after that,
everything escalates and went positive.
I even started a relationship this year.
And, now its escalating downwards yet again.
And its spiralling down slowly.
I tried to stop it.
I travel. I met new people.
I try to become less worried.
I try to find new passion.
I try to do new projects.
I try to be nicer to the people that i'm not fond of.

I tried everything and i did all those stuff
mentioned above. I did all that i can do.
And i do pray to God.

But it seems to no avail and pointless.
Cos, in the end, no matter how many small goals
i tried to set and achieved,
nothing seems so pointless and time wasting
as i have only one goal.

I have made up my mind years ago on that goal
and its stuck with me until now.
I guess that is why i am restless.
Because for all those efforts, prayers and let it go
that i have done,
it's seems not enough.
I thought that being in a relationship is all
i want. That he loves me back is enough.

It turns out that i learn that its not enough, for me.
I want more. I guess, i want security.
I want guarantee. I want him to be mine.
I want marriage, that sacred union between two people in love.

Even as i know marriage is not ultimate.
And there is no guarantee that it is forever,
i still want it.

I do question my motives of wanting it,
whether i want to because i am pressured into it, subconsciously.
Or i go with the flow where its time that i get married,
or simply because i want to start living my life with him beside me.

Yes, yes that's the reason.
I want to live my life with him beside me.

I do, am living my life now.
I do enjoy life with my family, relatives, friends and acquaintances.
But somehow, its not the same, without him.

He is at the back of my mind in everything i do.

And i just want him. Yes, i want him.

So what do i do now?

I just need to hold on to my anger,
and remember this feeling so that
i can stay away from him,
and start to let go, because
if i don't learn to love,
like God intended humans to feel
true love,
than i am not ready.

I need to learn to Love.