I am angry. I am so angry.
Very angry. Demn angry!
So mad. And frustrated.
And sad.
And sad.
I wish to retain, the anger.
I want to feel angry.
But anger not to the point
of indifference.
I don't want to, not care.
I just think that, anger is a good feeling.
Instead of frustration, sadness and disappointment.
Yes, anger is good.
But towards these two days,
its beginning to somewhat dim.
Sadness beginning to try to break through somehow.
Like last night even, especially when i am exhausted.
Like now. I am damn tired. Tried to sleep it off since
the last two hours, but i remain uptight.
And my mind is filled with thoughts.
Thoughts like dreams and hopes.
Thoughts that can make me really, really happy
and despair at the same time.
I was forewarned, or you can say reminded
by a friend that i might think that i'm the only one,
but you can't be certain.
You can't know that you are the only one in his life now.
I think of it to a more certain as i was reprimanded of
my behaviour. That what i do can undermine my value.
I was shocked.
That my value can be diminish.
That what i am doing can change his perception of me.
Where i hold him at my highest regard.
Where even with all his weaknesses and behaviour,
he is still the one for me.
That his value never lowered just because
of what he thinks, how he acts and what he does.
He is still the one for me.
He is still the one for me.
But why do i feel that i am still, on a test.
That he is judging me, rating me, valuing me,
to see whether i am the one for him.
Gosh, i was very, i can't find the words to express it,
terribly sad, and crying silently.
So effing dramatic, but true.
I have lost the sense of security and trust towards him
from that moment onwards. I feel that all
the trust and love i have built for him,
towards him has diminish. Dimmed.
And i think that, for now, no matter what
i will try to do to fix it,
it's now up to him to regain back my trust,
and love.
The only question is, whether he loves me
enough to do that.
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