Marriage & Me

I am terrified of marriage.

I can't imagine how miserable and beholden my life felt it i were to be married.

I feel that if i am married, i will have to be in a situation where i am forced. Forced to give up things i want for the things i need to do.

Because of responsibility.
Because i am married.
Because i have a husband.
Because its not about just me anymore.
Because there's children involved.
Because, well, i am married - changes a lot of things.

I heard stories about marriages from friends, colleagues, acquaintances.
Read from the papers, and magazines and books.
Look at movies and live dramas.

I just can't, refuse to accept it. Marriage.
It was once a sacred union between two people.
And now, it's a joke.

People doesn't understand the union anymore.
People are not strong anymore.
They give up easily.

I am afraid that my partner will give up on me.
I am afraid i will give up on him!

It's been gnawing in my head (and mind) for quite some time.
I don't know why on earth am i thinking about it when the issue wasn't even raised
between us (me and him).

I guess i did think about it because i am considering it?
Considering to... what? Accept? Or imagine what my reaction will be, when he does propose one day?

In my mind, without doubt i would say yes. But, that is when i'm in my good moods.
In my bad days, as such, i have trouble saying yes.

At the same time, why on earth would i said no?

Why be in a relationship if you're not thinking of marriage?

There's a book i just read recently, by Adriana Trigliani who taught me a powerful lesson; you don't commit to marriage unless you make it your number 1 in your live priority list.

It hit me. That is so true.

Easily concluded, both of us, me and him... put marriage in, well, not number 1 in our priority list.

I am quite sure, certain that in his list, it hasn't been written anywhere pun. I mean, i am quite sure i am being put last in his priority list!

But me, to be honest, i actually put him first in my list. I drop everything else when he comes in the picture.

But, does that mean i put marriage as number 1?

I don't think that just because i put him as number 1 in my life's priority list, that i also incidentally put marriage as number 1 too?

Right???