When is it Too Much?

I never asked that question to myself.

Question like, when will i stop?

When will i said enough?

When i will give up?

When is it becomes too much?

I was faced with that question today. After all that has happened with me being sick, with me feeling down and sad cos i AM sick; cos that will ruined with the 'plan' to spend time with him on the last two weeks we had together before he went away. With he didnt actually come and see me in the hospital when i was sick, nor did he takes the initiative and asked first about me (and not replying my messages). With him didn't ask how i was during my sickbed and when did i was discharge. And the fact that he did not hold to one of his many promises to accompany me to my best friend's wedding tonight. And when i actually wants to talk and discussed about it and try to set up a time to meet up and still it doesnt work, and i just give in.

I give in to the holy power that says, enough is enough Emmy. Sudahlah tu.

I called him a selfish bastard. Boy, do i feel good. He deserves it. He also deserves pergi jahanam (and not go to hell; less effect). But i am torn between actually messaging him that. Oh no, i just did message him that.

I guess i don't matter enough.

It hurts. But i don't matter to you.

And i have to accept that.

Are You Ready?

Be careful of what you wish for, cos God might just handed it to you smack face!

And u realise that u are not prepared to accept it.

I always say (and secretly believe?) that i always got what i want.

Of course i usually get it because of the combination of these two things;
luck and hard work!

Even as i faced this seemingly impossible obstacle, i manage to past through and do it. And consequently got what i want, one way or another, directly or indirectly.

My book, The Planner has all the details of what i want to achieve in life. And i have tick right a lot of it.

I came to realise that i didn't, haven't yet put out in writing this one wish that i really want for the past 2-3 years.

I asked myself why.

I guess its because it seems impossible.

I can do what ever i can to achieve it. But there is no way it can be realised unless God intends it to be.

That's one. Remind me to write it down, the wish, in the book.

Second.

Okay, so i admit that i believe in happy endings and fairy tales and romances in story books.

It doesnt come in a snap of your fingers but through hard work and a bit of faith.

Secretly, (i never admitted it before, this is a first), that i wanted this guy that is similar in attitude and values like the hero's in those romance novels.

I want those tall, dark and handsome guy.

I want a guy who is successful through hard work, whose rich in his own rights.

I want someone who is experience, knowledgeable, smart, have ambitions and dreams.

I want this man who cares, kind, generous and also something he is passionate about.

And i also wanted a bad boy, a playboy. A guy who has been with many women and yet hasn't found that right person to be with, to share his life with.

And i very much is th heroin. The lucky girl who falls in love with that guy. And he too.

And we get married and lived happily ever after.

Weird that i came to realisation last night, that maybe i am not prepared to faced this guy. To be with him. To get to know him. To go through life challenges when i am with him.

I am suddenly, am feeling rather intimidated and scared.

I thought i knew what i want, and when God gave him to me, i was taken aback and not sure on how to handle it.

My mind has been going over this matter the whole day. The fact that i did not slept last night makes it worse!

I think i just need to get a grip, thank God for giving him to me, (he's not mine yet) and i guess, not to think too much? Go with the flow, loose yourself, enjoy and savor every moment but at the same time, still remember who you are without compromising too much of yourself.

But then again, thats what the heroin in novels did, they give it all as they know that they got nothing to lose. Except pride.

In the end, the heroin get the hero.

I wonder what i'll do.