Memoirs of a Young Artist

Makes Me Wants To Travel

2012-01-28T22:35:00.001+08:00

Terukir di Bintang - Yuna

Jika engkau minta intan permata tak mungkin ku mampu
Tapi sayangkan ku capai bintang dari langit untukmu
Jika engkau minta satu dunia akan aku coba
Ku hanya mampu jadi milikmu pastikan kau bahagia

Hati ini bukan milik ku lagi
Seribu tahun pun akan ku nanti
Kan... kamu...

Sayangku jangan kau persoalkan siapa dihatiku
Terukir di bintang tak mungkin hilang cintaku padamu...

How hurtful it is

2011-12-28T22:43:00.000+08:00

"It Will Rain" by Bruno Mars

If you ever leave me, baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
'Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don't have it anymore.

There's no religion that could save me
No matter how long my knees are on the floor
So keep in mind all the sacrifices I'm makin'
To keep you by my side
To keep you from walkin' out the door.

'Cause there'll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday, it'll rain, rain, rain

I'll never be your mother's favorite
Your daddy can't even look me in the eye
Ooh, if I was in their shoes, I'd be doing the same thing
Sayin' "There goes my little girl
Walkin' with that troublesome guy"

But they're just afraid of something they can't understand
Ooh, but little darlin' watch me change their minds
Yeah for you I'll try I'll try I'll try I'll try
I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding
If that'll make you mine

'Cause there'll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday, it'll rain, rain, rain.

Oh, don't just say (don't just say) goodbye (goodbye),
Don't just say (don't just say) goodbye (goodbye)
I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding
If that'll make it right

'Cause there'll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday, it'll rain, rain, rain

Commitment

2011-12-26T12:05:00.000+08:00

I have made that commitment to him.

To wait for him.

And I will.

No matter how much it hurts.

I will, because, i love him.

Kembali ke Asal

2011-12-24T17:22:00.000+08:00

We talked.

I wanted it to be as rational as i planned it to be.

And yes, i lost control. Stupid me!

Then i calmed back.

Driving back home after seeing him, i didn't shed a tear.

But i'm numb. My head is filled with questions, and scenarios.

And answers.

I dig deep.

When i first realise that i am in love with him,

I cried cos, i know how tough loving him will be.

But i swore that i will try to gain his love.

And i did.

Now that we are in a relationship, i sort of forgot.

What i said to myself.

That i would bear it, this love, because of one thing,

the faith that i have on him.

I have absolute faith and hope on him, that i can wait for him til now.

That i can continue to accept him as he is and bear all the challenges threw at me.

Now i am being reminded that no matter what, i would keep my words and wait.

I will continue to wait for you Laling.

That's how strong my sense of love, loyalty and faith for you.

I just hope you don't take me for granted.

Test

2011-12-23T21:01:00.000+08:00

I've been tested again.

It's like my first time, i was shaking, numb, holding my tears.

I was in the office, a few hours ago, when i received a message.

I was shocked. I could feel my heart just breaks.

I wish..

I don't know what to believe any more.

Why are you doing this to me?

I valiantly control myself, until now.

I know, i will get the answer from him.

I want the truth. And nothing but.

Because i deserve more, and better than this!

Revelation

2011-12-22T23:49:00.000+08:00

Suddenly it hit me.

Growing up i used to imagine being able to experience a wonderful, special 27th year.

And only now, nearing the end of 27 years, today, just now that it hit me.

I'm with En.Laling on my 27th year; more accurately on 9th of January.

That's my special, wonderful 27th year!

How weird is that, something that i want and set when i was a growing up,

actually came true.

Failure

2011-12-22T23:47:00.000+08:00

I cried.

I have failed yet again to hold my tears.

Hope

2011-12-21T18:09:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, hope is scary.

It hurts when your hope wasn't fulfilled.

Regardless, i still hope.

If I don't have any, I wouldn't accept this love God gives me to feel.

And I have hope unto him.

Him, as in God.

And him, as in the guy that i am in love with, still.

That feeling of wonder that i have been feeling since forever, is still in me.

I love that.

I love that, i still am, in love with him.

Finally...

2011-12-11T20:14:00.000+08:00

Finally, i cry just now.

A bit. Briefly, like 10 seconds of crying,
while under the shower.

But, finally, i cry.
Its so difficult to cry, when all you life
you always trained yourself to hold it.

Till now, i still think that crying
is an act of weaknesses.
Although i admit to the fact that
it help releases the misery, and sadness
that contains inside you with it.

So i cry. And the worry-ness, sadness and patient,
has finally turned into anger, mad.
I am so mad!

I try, oh believe me, God i have tried.
Tried to be patient.
Tried to be understanding.
Tried so hard to be what he wants me to be.
Whereas i shouldn't be pretending.
I shouldn't be even thinking of being
someone else.
I should just be me.

Oh what? If i erupted and be angry,
that my value will decrease and he will
leave me?
How stupid that i think of that?
It makes me so insecure and scared that
he even thinks of that.

I mean, i accepted him regardless of all his faults.
And he has many. That i don't really care or worry about
cos i know him. I know what he is capable of.
I know what he can be. I have hope.

Obviously he seems to not share the same aspire as
i am.
Do something wrong and you're out!

Huh, how stupid he can be,
and i don't think i love a stupid man.
I am in love with a smart man.

He is smart. I believe him to be.
So if he were to take light of me,
oh he makes the biggest mistake of his life.

He will regret it if he lose me.
I said if, cos i know he's not stupid.

I can be patient. I can.
It's just that sometimes
it hurts, especially when he does take me
for granted.

If It Kills Me

2011-11-30T23:06:00.000+08:00

by Jason Mraz

And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me

I think it might kill me

Make You Feel My Love - Adele

2011-11-30T22:50:00.002+08:00

When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no - one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you
Haven't made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong

I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
Know there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change
Are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet

I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love, To make you feel my love

On whether there's a point

2011-11-30T22:46:00.000+08:00

I am angry. I am so angry.
Very angry. Demn angry!
So mad. And frustrated.
And sad.

And sad.

I wish to retain, the anger.
I want to feel angry.
But anger not to the point
of indifference.

I don't want to, not care.
I just think that, anger is a good feeling.

Instead of frustration, sadness and disappointment.

Yes, anger is good.

But towards these two days,
its beginning to somewhat dim.
Sadness beginning to try to break through somehow.
Like last night even, especially when i am exhausted.

Like now. I am damn tired. Tried to sleep it off since
the last two hours, but i remain uptight.

And my mind is filled with thoughts.
Thoughts like dreams and hopes.

Thoughts that can make me really, really happy
and despair at the same time.

I was forewarned, or you can say reminded
by a friend that i might think that i'm the only one,
but you can't be certain.
You can't know that you are the only one in his life now.

I think of it to a more certain as i was reprimanded of
my behaviour. That what i do can undermine my value.

I was shocked.
That my value can be diminish.
That what i am doing can change his perception of me.

Where i hold him at my highest regard.
Where even with all his weaknesses and behaviour,
he is still the one for me.
That his value never lowered just because
of what he thinks, how he acts and what he does.

He is still the one for me.
He is still the one for me.

But why do i feel that i am still, on a test.
That he is judging me, rating me, valuing me,
to see whether i am the one for him.

Gosh, i was very, i can't find the words to express it,
terribly sad, and crying silently.
So effing dramatic, but true.

I have lost the sense of security and trust towards him
from that moment onwards. I feel that all
the trust and love i have built for him,
towards him has diminish. Dimmed.

And i think that, for now, no matter what
i will try to do to fix it,
it's now up to him to regain back my trust,
and love.

The only question is, whether he loves me
enough to do that.

Which one is better?

2011-11-28T00:17:00.000+08:00

I wonder which emotions is better to feel.
Whether its sad or anger.
I feel angry now.
When slightly second before that
all i am feeling is worried, sad, restless,
disappointed.
Yes, definitely not positive feelings.

I wonder also, when did i last feel happy.
Like, truly happy.
I think there was this one day last week,
when i did.
It was when i ate lunch with some
close-friends colleague.
And that's rare.

You know, when you're one in your crappy mood,
when all you want to do is sleep and dream,
cos somehow dreams are better than reality,
and when you wake up in the morning,
you feel so down, dark, sad, energy-less,
and laugh seems foreign to your face muscle,
and smile is somehow forbidden.
Like, i don't deserve to be happy.

Why am i in this crappy mood?
Whereas i shouldn't!
I think i just lost it, once, yet again.
That motivation, that burning sensation
that pushes me towards my goals,
that strong feeling inside me that
beckons me to live.
I've lost it again, yet, once again.

I have lost it two years ago.
And found it after i was hospitalized.
I went bungee-jump and after that,
everything escalates and went positive.
I even started a relationship this year.
And, now its escalating downwards yet again.
And its spiralling down slowly.
I tried to stop it.
I travel. I met new people.
I try to become less worried.
I try to find new passion.
I try to do new projects.
I try to be nicer to the people that i'm not fond of.

I tried everything and i did all those stuff
mentioned above. I did all that i can do.
And i do pray to God.

But it seems to no avail and pointless.
Cos, in the end, no matter how many small goals
i tried to set and achieved,
nothing seems so pointless and time wasting
as i have only one goal.

I have made up my mind years ago on that goal
and its stuck with me until now.
I guess that is why i am restless.
Because for all those efforts, prayers and let it go
that i have done,
it's seems not enough.
I thought that being in a relationship is all
i want. That he loves me back is enough.

It turns out that i learn that its not enough, for me.
I want more. I guess, i want security.
I want guarantee. I want him to be mine.
I want marriage, that sacred union between two people in love.

Even as i know marriage is not ultimate.
And there is no guarantee that it is forever,
i still want it.

I do question my motives of wanting it,
whether i want to because i am pressured into it, subconsciously.
Or i go with the flow where its time that i get married,
or simply because i want to start living my life with him beside me.

Yes, yes that's the reason.
I want to live my life with him beside me.

I do, am living my life now.
I do enjoy life with my family, relatives, friends and acquaintances.
But somehow, its not the same, without him.

He is at the back of my mind in everything i do.

And i just want him. Yes, i want him.

So what do i do now?

I just need to hold on to my anger,
and remember this feeling so that
i can stay away from him,
and start to let go, because
if i don't learn to love,
like God intended humans to feel
true love,
than i am not ready.

I need to learn to Love.

The One That Got Away

2011-11-05T23:21:00.000+08:00

3rd song of hers (Katy Perry) that i love other than Teenage Dreams and Thinking of You;

"The One That Got Away"

Summer after high school when we first met
We make out in your Mustang to Radiohead
And on my 18th Birthday
We got matching tattoos

Used to steal your parents' liquor
And climb to the roof
Talk about our future
like we had a clue
Never planned that one day
I'd be losing you

In another life
I would be your girl
We keep all our promises
Be us against the world

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away

I was June and you were my Johnny Cash
Never one without the other we made a pact
Sometimes when I miss you
I put those records on

Someone said you had your tattoo removed
Saw you downtown singing the Blues
Its time to face the music
I'm no longer your muse

And in another life
I would be your girl
We keep all our promises
Be us against the world

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away
The o-o-o-o-o-one [x3]
The one that got away

[Bridge:]
All this money can't buy me a time machine (Nooooo)
Can't replace you with a million rings (Nooooo)
I shoulda told you what you meant to me (Woooooow)
Cause now I pay the price

In another life
I would be your girl
We keep all our promises
Be us against the world

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away
The o-o-o-o-o-one [x3]

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
The one that got away

Labels

2011-11-01T16:49:00.000+08:00

Why is it you are always looking for definitions? You're only satisfied when you're given a label you can stick onto things. I love you. It's as simple as that.

Marriage & Me

2011-10-18T12:43:00.001+08:00

I am terrified of marriage.

I can't imagine how miserable and beholden my life felt it i were to be married.

I feel that if i am married, i will have to be in a situation where i am forced. Forced to give up things i want for the things i need to do.

Because of responsibility.
Because i am married.
Because i have a husband.
Because its not about just me anymore.
Because there's children involved.
Because, well, i am married - changes a lot of things.

I heard stories about marriages from friends, colleagues, acquaintances.
Read from the papers, and magazines and books.
Look at movies and live dramas.

I just can't, refuse to accept it. Marriage.
It was once a sacred union between two people.
And now, it's a joke.

People doesn't understand the union anymore.
People are not strong anymore.
They give up easily.

I am afraid that my partner will give up on me.
I am afraid i will give up on him!

It's been gnawing in my head (and mind) for quite some time.
I don't know why on earth am i thinking about it when the issue wasn't even raised
between us (me and him).

I guess i did think about it because i am considering it?
Considering to... what? Accept? Or imagine what my reaction will be, when he does propose one day?

In my mind, without doubt i would say yes. But, that is when i'm in my good moods.
In my bad days, as such, i have trouble saying yes.

At the same time, why on earth would i said no?

Why be in a relationship if you're not thinking of marriage?

There's a book i just read recently, by Adriana Trigliani who taught me a powerful lesson; you don't commit to marriage unless you make it your number 1 in your live priority list.

It hit me. That is so true.

Easily concluded, both of us, me and him... put marriage in, well, not number 1 in our priority list.

I am quite sure, certain that in his list, it hasn't been written anywhere pun. I mean, i am quite sure i am being put last in his priority list!

But me, to be honest, i actually put him first in my list. I drop everything else when he comes in the picture.

But, does that mean i put marriage as number 1?

I don't think that just because i put him as number 1 in my life's priority list, that i also incidentally put marriage as number 1 too?

Right???

Am Crazie About It

2011-08-24T23:04:00.002+08:00

"You And I" by Lady Gaga

It’s been a long time since I came around
Been a long time but I’m back in town
This time I’m not leaving without you

You taste like whiskey when you kiss me, oooh
I’ll give anything again to be your baby doll
This time I’m not leaving without you

He said sit back down where you belong
In the corner of my bar with your high heels on
Sit back down on the couch where we
made love for first time and you said to me

Something, something about this place
Something ‘bout lonely nights and my lipstick on your face
Something, something about my cool Nebraska guy
Yeah something about
Baby yoü and I

It`s been two years since I let you go,
I couldn’t listen to a joke or rock `n roll
Muscle cars drove a truck right through my heart

On my birthday you sing me a heart of gold
With a guitar humming and no clothes
This time I'm not leaving without you
Ooh-oh ooh-oh

Sit back down where you belong
In the corner of my bar with your high heels on
Sit back down on the couch where we
made love for first time and you said to me

Something, something about this place
Something ‘bout lonely nights and my lipstick on your face
Something, something about my cool Nebraska guy
Yeah something about
Baby yoü and I

Yoü and I
You, yoü and I
You, yoü and I
You, yoü and I, I
Yoü and I
You, yoü and I
Oh yeah! I'd rather die
Without yoü and I

C’mon!
Put your drinks up!

We got a whole lot of money, but we still pay rent
‘Cause you can’t buy a house in Heaven
There’s only three men that Imma serve my whole life
It’s my daddy and Nebraska and Jesus Christ

Something, something about the chase
Six whole years
I'm a New York woman, born to run you down
So have my lipstick all over your face
Something, something about just knowing when it's right

So put your drinks up, for Nebraska
For Nebraska, Nebraska, I love you

Yoü and I
You, yoü and I
Baby! I rather die!
Without yoü and I

Yoü and I
You, yoü and I
Nebraska! I rather die
Without yoü and I

It’s been a long time since I came around
Been a long time but I’m back in town
This time I’m not leaving without you.

Me and My Problems

2011-08-24T21:43:00.000+08:00

SHIT

I am going to ruin this one.
I am so going to ruin this relationship.

Why? Oh why, oh why do I keep on
blaming me for everything?

Force of habit I guess.
I grew up teaching myself that
change can only happen if
I change myself, if i accept
the fact that I must be the
change. And that is I, if not I
to blame.

In this case, my relationship,
its the same.
Somehow i always blame myself.

Even though i have been writing
a lot about whats wrong and such with
him and our relationship,
and how Both of us, actually
compromise.

Me with this timetable and
his ways and his schedule
and his work and his friends
and his way of thinking and
such.

Him with me and my tantrums, and
my moods, and my dissatisfaction
with his life and the way he
has no time for me, and the fact
that he is always busy
and such.

Sigh.

I am very much afraid that
in the end, he will be
the one who's going to left me
because he can't stand my attitude.

Attitude brought on by
his attitude.

Weird.

The fact that i can't be
patient enough, will
push him away.

Will he left me?

In my past relationship i suddenly
realised that it has always been
me who left first.

Cos i think of things, and i
predict things and i think i
believe in those things and
then i make the decision to
leave cos i don't want them
to leave me first.

And now, i think now
i am doing it all over again.

This thoughts about letting go,
and giving up, and can't be bother
and can't stand it, has left me thinking.

But then, i know, that i still care.
Cos if i don't care, i wouldn't be mad
or sad or disappointed.

As such i am now. Crying in the
car, or in the shower, or
alone in bed at night.

Knowing how much you love that man
despite your pain.

God, what am i to do?
Am i to blame for my own suffering?

There's a saying,
The pain you've felt, you've inflicted upon yourself.

Is that true?
That there is nothing wrong
with this relationship, and i am
simply over think things, creating
problems and such?

Is it so wrong to want my partner
to spend time with me, to put me
as his priority once in a while,
to feel that i am cared for, to feel
that i have a place in his life, to
feel that i am loved?

Please tell me where am I wrong,
cos if those above are things i shouldn't demand
from my lover, then what should i do?

Should i just wait quietly, to only
communicate with him when he wants to?
To only see him only when he is free?
To only spend time with him when
he is available?

God, please tell me
where I am wrong.

I am just so tired.

I Don't Know

2011-08-24T08:18:00.002+08:00

Loving isn't how I forget, but how I forgive;
Not what I see, but what I feel;
Not how to let go, but how to hold on.

Yeah, i will forgive, feel and hold on to him and our love!

Trust

2011-08-21T23:20:00.003+08:00

Can i trust you?

How far can i trust you?

Can i really, really trust you?

Can i trust you with my life?

Cos i think i want to trust you,
and i think i persuade myself to
trust you, because i see the person
that you can be.

Don't betray that trust,
because i do, trust you.

Worth

2011-08-18T12:38:00.002+08:00

It's hard to wait around for something you know won't happen,
but it's even harder to stop waiting when you know it's everything you want.

Rules

2011-08-17T23:03:00.001+08:00

When you miss him too much,
that you break your own rules.

I don't know what to make of it.

Do you?

Playing in my Head

2011-08-17T01:20:00.001+08:00

The thought has been
wandering aimlessly in my head
need to write it down.

You see, i jeopardize
my own relationship.

I am afraid of people
leaving me, that i left them
first.

I can't abide to
disloyalty.

I can tolerate anything,
anything at all,
but disloyalty.

I am afraid of him
leaving me that i usually
make that decision to
leave him first.

Lately i have been thinking
of letting him go, cos
i don't think i can stand this
roller coaster emotions playing
with my heart and my head.

It's so hard, to let go.
One minute i can do it.
The other, i am so filled
with anguish and pain
that i wonder,
who am i kidding?

Then i kinda figure it out.
Is it me who actually
drove him away?
Or i just felt that its me
cos i always blame me for
anything that happens in my life?

Whose fault is it?

Is it in him who doesn't
pay attention as i wanted it to be?

Or lies in me who can't understand enough?

Is it in him who refuse to
tolerate and budge from what
he believes is true?

Or in me who failed to understand his wishes?

Is it in him who has his own idea
of what love and being in a
relationship is?

Or in me who has my own idea or what
love is and being in a relationship
is?

Is he the one who doesn't want to
complicate things, wants things
to be simple and easy?

Or in me who over think things,
complicate stuff and being 'too'
in many ways?

Gosh, why am i feeling this way?

Sometimes i wonder why these issues rises?

Is it me?
I don't know.. At times, i can do it.
Sometimes, i just can't.

Am i forcing myself?
Don't i see the truth?
What is the truth?
Is it working?
What is happiness?
Am i happy?
Is this love?

All i know is that, when ever i'm
with him, when ever i'm in his
arms, everything feels so right,
that tears would just brim in
my eyes. And my heart just bursts
with so much love. And i will
feel content. That being with
him is all i ever going to need.

Just one thought;
Are the seconds of paradise
worth the long hours of pain?

Reminder

2011-08-16T16:05:00.003+08:00

Sometimes we waste too much time to think about someone
who doesn't even think about us for a second.

Don't trust too much, don't love too much and don't hope too much.
Because that too much can hurt you so much.

The good thing about arguments is
when you make up with them.

Lessons from Seducing Mr. Perfect

2011-08-14T23:33:00.001+08:00

Is it possible to find true love
that won't make me lonely?

Love is a game of power,
a manipulation of emotions.

You shouldn't do that,
smiles, compliments, gestures.
You'll be feeding his ego.
One more thing, if he already has a big ego,
you need to deflate it with some shock therapy.

No, definitely not.
Having sex with him now is like
handing him the game.

If you wanted to be treated like a queen,
then act like one.
How you train your opponent is up to you.

Manipulating people isn't that fun.
It's tiring and hard.

What if in manipulating people,
we lost the pleasure of an honest conversation?
Why use manipulation if we can't discover ones' true feeling?
Have you been happy with that sort of relationship?

Instead of calculating, i want to be honest.
Instead of receiving, i want to give.
Instead of hiding, i want to let out all my feelings.

You silly girl.
Words do not always express ones' feelings.
Look at the eyes!
People can lie with words,
but not with their eyes.

I'm sorry. If i have ever hurt you
in any way, I'm truly sorry.
I sincerely mean that.

You are more than worthy of any man's love.

You are more beautiful than any woman
I've met in my life.
I just want to say that
before i leave.

You jerk.

Since when did you start liking me?
From the first day i met you.
I saw that lipstick mark,
and i wanted to kiss you.

I know, the kind of love i've
always dreamed of really exists.

Guy (when meeting the girl's parents)
Yes, I do love her,
but I don't want to marry her yet.

Perasaan

2011-08-14T15:58:00.002+08:00

Amat tawar hati.

I don't know

2011-08-14T14:10:00.002+08:00

Distance isn't a big factor in a relationship.
Communication is.

But most of all,
commitment is the biggest.

Realisation

2011-08-14T00:53:00.001+08:00

An "I Miss You" would only be worth if there's an "I Miss You Too" in return.

Is It?

2011-08-13T02:00:00.001+08:00

Accept joy, even though you're afraid it might end one day! - Paulo Coelho

I think it's heading there. It's ending. I can see the signs.

Late Bloomer

2011-08-12T23:14:00.000+08:00

I am a late bloomer.

NOT, referring to my
physical body shape,
mind you.

More like, in being free
and being able to
explore things.

I am very much lucky that
i have that opportunity
to do so after i make that
drastic decision to studied far,
far away from home, Penang.

From there, i kinda like
try anything.

And now, i am blessed with this
boyfriend who
champions the fact that
i want to try new things.

He encourages it. Cos he knows
that i do think about what
i am doing and the consequences.

He does help me becoming
who i am today. He did change me;
i have to admit to be,
err.. i don't know the word.
I don't dare to say it.
Cos it bad.

Anyways, just saying that
for most of others, they do all these
stuff when they were in their teens.

Me, i started late.

But they, who said living life
has an age limit?

It's all about you, baby!

Lost

2011-08-12T21:41:00.002+08:00

Laling,

if this is what you want me to be,
then you have succeed.

For i am becoming unfeeling.

If that glorious day do come,
bear in mind that
you just lost me.

Death of Heart

2011-08-12T00:08:00.000+08:00

Serasa hati sudah mati.
Macam tiada perasaan.

Itu yang dilalui minggu ini.
Mengapa ya?

Hasil bet yang dibuat?

Takkanlah.

Tapi betullah. Hati semacam
tiada perasaan.
Rasa cinta yang keterlaluan
sudah tiada.
Rasa takut dan sedih kerana
terlalu cinta, juga tiada.

Tiada perasaan.

Tapi jauh di sudut hati, rasanya
memang tahu ada cinta.

Adakah hati sudah mati?

Atau hati ini merajuk?
Merasa bosan dan fed-up
dengan segala.

Hairan, mengapa boleh berlaku?

Sejak dua menjak sudah berani
memikirkan perkara yang tidak
pernah difikirkan pun.

Kalau dahulu, serasa mahu memikirkannya
sudah mengalir air mata berjujuran
kerana enggan memikirkan apa
akan terjadi kalau
tidak bersamanya.

Tapi sekarang, sudah berani.
Bukan berani memikirkan kehidupan
tanpanya. Namun memikirkan, sedikit,
adakah saya enggan menunggu lagi?

Saya lepaskan saja dan tunggu takdir
yang menentukan?

Mengapa mahu mengalah?

Hati saya sudah penat agaknya.
Bosan, merajuk atas segala.

Mungkin bukan semua alasan itu.

Mungkin juga, hati sudah kuat.
Kental dan tabah. Maka
tidak lagi mengalir air mata.
Tidak lagi merasa cinta yang mendalam
atau terlalu amat.

Ah, saya tidak mahu begini.

Saya tidak mahu berada dalam
kehidupan tanpa passion.

Saya mahu merasa cinta yang teramat itu.

Saya mahu menangis, dan ketawa.

Saya mahu memikirkannya setiap saat
walaupun saya merana.

Saya mahu dia sentiasa dalam ingatan
saya walau apa yang saya sedang buat.

Saya mahu melalui cinta yang mendalam
persis dongengan yang kita baca.

Saya mahu semua itu.

Maka hati,
saya tidak percaya yang
awak sudah mati.

Saya terima yang awak sudah penat.

Namun bertahanlah.

Saya tahu awak masih percaya.

Saya tahu awak tabah dan kental.

Saya tahu masih wujud rasa cinta
yang mendalam itu dalam diri awak.

Cuma kini, awak lebih pandai kawal ya.

Tapi, sekali sekala itu...
benarkanlah perasaan cinta yang teramat
itu, muncul ya.

Saya mahu perasaan itu.
Saya mahu hidup dengan perasaan itu.

Ya, saya mahu perasaan cinta
terhadapnya itu, sentiasa membara dalam
diri saya ini

sehingga akhir hayat saya.

On Giving Up

2011-08-11T22:46:00.002+08:00

When you're ready to give up,
remember why you held on for so long
and what it meant to you.

Are You?

2011-08-10T09:48:00.000+08:00

I can't promise u a perfect relationship without arguments over our differences,
however I can promise u as long as you're trying, then I'm staying.

Understand This

2011-08-09T15:20:00.000+08:00

If you don't call me all day I understand,
when you don't text me all day I understand,
when I stop loving you I hope you understand.

So True

2011-08-09T08:05:00.002+08:00

Its crazy how you can be in a relationship and STILL feel alone
because that person you love isn't giving you enough attention or love.

The Best So Far

2011-08-08T08:09:00.002+08:00

If he loves you, then don't waste that.
You might never be able to get it back.

10 More Quotes (Again) To Express Me Better

2011-08-08T07:59:00.003+08:00

1) Never cry for anyone, because those you cry for, don't deserve your tears and those who are deserving will never let you cry.

2) When you meet someone special...you'll know. Your heart will beat more rapidly and you'll smile for no reason.

3) How do you find the words to say goodbye, when your heart don't have the heart to say goodbye?

4) When an #Aquarian falls out of love, they will disappear, and they are the best at disappearing

5) An #Aquarius finds the need to explain everything, just as they'd prefer getting explanations out of you!

6) Isn't it crazy that in life, the person who brings out the best in you & makes you strong, is actually your weakness?

7) You have been in my life for all the right reasons. Ups and downs, no matter the season.

8) The longer you have to wait for something, the more you will appreciate it when it finally arrives.

9) One day you're gonna remember me and how much I loved you... then you're gonna hate yourself for letting me go.

10) To make a relationship work, focus on what you appreciate about the other person, and not your complaints.

What Was I Thinking

2011-08-07T23:58:00.002+08:00

In an attempt to make a
light entri (sambil dengar
lagu Heart Vacancy oleh
The Wanted)

I don't know why
When i have guys
wanting me,
liking me,
loving me,
to be their girl friend,
to be their life partner,
to be their wife,
to be their angel in heaven.

And instead, i chose you.

Wait, maybe i don't choose
you.
More like, it's being
decided by God that
I fall for you.
I don't control what
my heart wants.
I even said 'I hate you'
on our first year of
friendship.

Others, they
will and would, i know,
appreciate me more,
treat me better,
love me more,
lavish me with
their affection, care,
gifts, help,
love.

They would guard me
fiercely, even jealously.
They would ask how my day was,
and how i am, what i have
been doing today, on whether
i am sick, or ok, or sad.

Would be in constant contact,
sms-es, phone calls.
Would find time to see me,
spend time with me.

Would try to please me, makes
me happy, would try to give
full attention to me,
listen to my stories,
fulfilling me wishes.

Would care about my whereabouts,
would not want me to go out
late at night. Would not want me
to put myself in danger.
Would do the gentleman way
and not put any burden on me.

I want all that. Of course!
Every girl alive would want
all the above. That is the 100%
perfect guy. Their prince
charming.

But i don't have that.

Instead i have you.

Someone i hated before, fell in love
with (I did not choose you,
my heart did),
more accurately, God has
destined it to be.

I end up with you.

I have been thinking
a lot lately. Thinking
of the unthinkable.

It's like i dare to do
what i think i wouldn't have
the courage to do before.

I am tired.
I want to forget about
this waiting process and move on.

Move on as in, let go.
I am fed-up with the
constant, nagging worry in
my head and mind about
this uncertainty.

I know, i have waited 3
long years for him.
And when i received some
sort of clarity from him
this year, it became more certain
that i am not waiting on
nothing.

It is there. I am not dreaming.
Us do exists.

But weirdly enough that
when there is an US, it became
more and more difficult to
wait. Its like a want more.

How greedy of me.

Seriously, i thought i can wait.

But its so difficult to wait
now that we are together.

It's just weird.

I am thinking more of letting go.

But at the same time, its just
a small nagging. Its not something
i have the courage to do.
Hopefully i don't. Not ever.
And that i never have to
use that. I hope i never
have to let go.

I sincerely hope with all
my heart, that i can wait.

What I Am Feeling Now

2011-08-05T22:46:00.001+08:00

"Someone Like You" by Adele

I heard
That you're settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you're
Married now

I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you

Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I begged
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I begged
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I begged
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I begged
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead

Uh huh

2011-08-04T09:21:00.002+08:00

Tears are words that need to be written - Paulo Coelho

Uh huh.
Macam tau-tau aja what i
am feeling at the moment.

There are, some personal
stuff that i want to write.
Not necessarily share, but
yeah, write it down.

Me, being a writer...
That's how i show my emotions.

A gf said that, susah nak nampak emmy marah.
So true.

Susah juga nak nampak me sad.

Simpan aja.

Cuma kepada kawan-kawan rapat, dan
dia aja tau.

But do they appreciate?
After knowing the real me,
who is not as strong as i
may seem?

Do you know people who appear
to be strong is the one that
needs the most love?

I detect a regret in you laling.
Please don't be. I am only
human. I sure can wait for
you but there will be times
when i am at my lowest and i just
cry and felt so lost.

And i just want you to be
there (here) for me.

What am i babbling here?

Oh, tears. Yes, they are
powerful. I seldom used it.
Cuma at the urging of some
makciks, that they advised
me to sometimes show my tears to
you laling, so that you know
that i suffer.

I may look strong, and yes, i am.
But in the end, i am only human,
a female albeit.

Please understand that.

In relationship (which we are;
according to your own words),
there has to be a give and a take.
There can't be one person understands
and do all the giving.
It has to be both.

It takes two to tango,
and it takes US to make our
relationship works.

I know i love you deeply,
I know i will wait for you
patiently,
I know i will try my utmost
best to be with you, and
to make our relationship
works, but
don't just rely on me to
make it happen.
I am only human. There are no guarantee
when one day my heart just gave
up and i will have to go away,
for waiting too long for you
to realize my worth.

I am not saying that
you are Bad now. You are okay.
You try, sometimes. I understand you.
And that is why i can still wait for you.

Just, word of precaution,
don't take me for granted.
Once in a while, do
remember that i am here,
waiting for you. Try to
look for me, from your
busy life, me, waiting in
one corner for you.

Waiting for you to treat
me as i am worth.

I love you, too much.
(Should try to decrease it,
so that it will hurt less..
but i can't)

I am just in love with you.

Make You Feel My Love

2011-08-02T22:05:00.001+08:00

By Adele

When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you
Haven't made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong

I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet

I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love

Words

2011-08-02T11:52:00.001+08:00

Paulo Coelho: Sometimes it’s what you don’t say that counts"

I have a hard time
expressing my feeling
verbally.

I guess most true writers
are like that. They are not
good in expressing what they
feel upfront, in front of
people.

They do it better in
words.

I am one too. That's why i
write. And then i will e-mail
him what i wrote.

Before this i did not
inform him. But let's say that
there are some 'friends'
inform him of my blog and
he starts reading it.

There goes my silent love
letter to him.

But weirdly enough, its a
blessing. Cos now, he knows
how i feel. And it helped
with our relationship. To
become where it is right now.

Like the entri on i dreamt a dream.

That entri sparks what
happened on the 9th of Jan.

The entri when he was hospitalized
for accident, now that one,
he confessed makes him sad.

I believe in writing what i am
feeling at that moment so
that the words become alive for those
who read it and it becomes
believable.

You, my laling are those
guys who finds it hard
to say what you are feeling
in words kan.

You told me that what
you feel, i can feel by your touch.
I believe that. Since our
first time.

That is why i find it
hard not seeing you. I know your
smses and phone calls doesn't really
convey your feelings.

I want to see you, be with you
in physical, and touch you and
feel your touch so that
i can feel what you are feeling.

And that is, you love me too.

Like i do you.

Will Be There

2011-08-01T23:16:00.002+08:00

Laling,
talking to you
i find out something.

This feeling of
realisation, that i
am not in your life.

And you seem lost.
Or maybe just busy,
with too many things
going on.

But i have a feeling
that i am not in your life.

I wasn't that devastated.
Its more like, i was,
in awe, but not shocked.
Its more of a
realisation.

That i am not in your life.

Laling,

Did you ever think of me?
Like i do of you for
every second and every minute
of my life.

Did you include me, in anything
that you do, like
i do mine, thinking that
how wonderful it is if
we were together watching this,
or doing this.

I sense that you are
somewhat lost. Do you
know what you want?

Maybe you just need to
be reminded. You just need to
talk to someone of your
dreams. If so, then our
talk just now is a good one
for you, i hope.

Like it did mine.

I have always been
positive in us. That's how
i survive 4 years
with you. But at the same
time, i am practical enough
to prepare myself for
the inevitable.

I can't even say it.

I refuse to. But you got me.

I know already what i
am going to do, if the worst
happen.

I imagine myself living
like Jane Austen. After her
first and only love tumbled,
she lived alone and wrote.

That's what i imagine myself
to do. Oh laling, know that
there won't be anyone else
in my life, than you.

For i can't imagine forcing
myself to live without love.

Love that i feel only
towards you. Unexplainable,
ungovernable, like a riot
in the heart and nothing
to be tamed of.

I can't explain my love
towards you. I can't. It
baffles me too when i realise
that i fell in love with you.

And being in love with you still.

No matter how you treat me.

Been Wanting

2011-08-01T15:28:00.002+08:00

Now that i am really
in a relationship, i
am more aware, more cautious
of not putting any negative
thoughts in the blog.

Its like i refuse to let,
show the negativity (issues?
problems? or just my feelings?)
on paper, typed and make
it real.

It is real. But then
it will pass. It always pass.
But it also comes back.
And it comes in circle, a roller
coaster ride. Up and down. Happiness,
pleasure and pure love balanced
with the tears, sadness, and
frustration.

Deep in my heart, i know
and believe all the good
in our relationship.

Its when i am down, am sad,
am tired, when hormones played a
trick on my brain and heart,
thats when i sometimes crumble
and succumb to temptation.

Temptation to become pushy, clingy,
obsessed, insecure.

I am not that. I am strong.

My friends said that. I know
that. Cuma, sometimes
in my weaker moments, i slip.

And of course im not
at fault. I am only human.
To add at that, i am a female.
Yes, a female with emotions.

No matter how practical or logic
i can be, i am still a female.

Isn't that what attracts you
to me?

That i am me. And that i am different
from other girls.

Please reflect on that
when ever you become frustrated
and angry with me.

Cos i have never been out
of love with you. No matter
what you do or say to me.

I am in love with you.
Always been.
Will always be.

Always. (your words)

10 More Quotes to Express How I Feel, Now

2011-07-22T20:16:00.002+08:00

1) The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. #ihatequotes

2) If you see me as 'just a friend' why would I stick around and waste all my love on you?

3) It's really sad when someone gets hurt so much that they can say "oh well, I'm used to it." I'm afraid that i will be me.

4) If you don't want me now, I won't want you later.

5) I'm okay being alone... I just don't like feeling alone, that's the worst. And i do feel alone, when i'm not with you.

6) Smile doesn't always mean "I'm happy". Sometimes.. "I can handle it". In most case: "I'm tired of crying".

7) I show my love through actions, not words.

8) The keyword to your relationship: TR(US)T. Without no trust, there is no US.

9) A girl can talk to many guys, but it takes a special guy to have her greet good morning and wish good night to.

10) Giving up is always an option, but it's never my choice.

Well, maybe 15.

11) Decisions are the hardest to make when its a choice between where you should be and where you want to be.

12) I'm sorry, I don't think you're the one for me... I *know* you are.

13) #perempuansexybila they are wearing their boyfriend's shirt without any make up on.

14) I love you, but sometimes I just wish I don't.

15) The harder you try to forget something, the more you think about it subconsciously.

That's why i'm writing.

10 Quotes to Express Me

2011-07-21T13:51:00.001+08:00

1) When someone is too busy for you, it makes you feel not special.

2) I don't feel it anymore. Does this mean the pain is gone or am I just too used to it?

3) It seems like you have harder feelings for somebody after a relationship, than while you're in the relationship.

4) Sometimes you gotta listen to your brain, just to save your heart.

5) Just because I’m always here for you, doesn’t mean you can take me for granted.

6) I'm a girl. I don't smoke, drink, or party every weekend. I don't sleep around or start drama to get attention. Yes, we still do exist.

7) Do I really love him, or am I addicted to the pain of wanting something I can't have?

8) In true love, there's no expectation of reciprocation. It's all about giving yourself without guarantee.

9) I'd rather have someone who shows they care, than someone who just says it.

10) The good memories hurt more than the bad ones do.

Am I Ready?

2011-07-16T18:40:00.005+08:00

I regret it.

I regret the fact that when
he said, 'i rasa i dah
ready tok settle down',
i freak out, wouldn't
meet him in his eyes,
and keep on talking as
if he never said anything.
Twice.

I regret that.
Cos now, i don't know
how to approach the subject.

Like, should i
'Laling, ingat tak u penah
cakap ari tu, pasal...'

Or, 'Laling, i am ready.'

Ready for what?

Sigh.

I want to explain why
i freaked out.

I know some of my close
friends were like,
how come you freak out?
i thought this is what you want?
bla bla bla.. yeah yeah.

I thought so too.

But i freaked out.
Period.

So, i guess i wasn't ready
as i thought i was.

But after the event,
the day after, i sit
on the subject and
ponder.

And think to myself
hey, i am ready.

I have been ready
since i realise that
i fell in love
with him on 22 April 2008.

He is the only guys i
could think of of saying YES
when he ask (not if).

I remembered all the guys
that have asked me before.
I remembered mostly Rizal.
He was then, my number 2
guy. Number one, of course has
and always been my bf la.

When Rizal approached
the marriage subject, there
was no hesitation and doubt
in my mind to say No.

But whenever i imagine
my bf asking me, i am certain
and know whole heartedly,
without a doubt
that my answer is Yes.

So, yeah.
I am ready.
Truthfully said, i can't wait
to start living my life
with him.

I imagine it will be more
challenging and 'colourful'
and unpredictable than what
we are going through.

I mean, look at us. We
are two different person. But
we clicked. We challenge
each other, support each
other, love each other.
And understands each other.
Enough toleration and communication
and spunk. And annoyance
and irritation and ego too.

What's the reason for me
to settle down?

Cos i am head over heels
in love with him?

YES.

Cos i know he is the one?

YES.

Cos he is my prince charming?

YES.

Cos he is the perfect man for me?

YES.

Cos he can controls me, and i respect him and
try my best to accept him for who he is?

YES.

And yes, me and him,
we have this chemistry
that is totally undeniable.
Sparks actually surrounds us
and shoots across the room
and people around us reacts
to it.

Trust me, you have to be
there, to believe it!

Sigh, to be in love..

So, yes i am ready.

The fact that i don't know
how to cook, doesn't stop me.

The fact that i am not ready for
kids, doesn't deter me away.

The fact that i still treasure my freedom
and my alone time, doesn't change my mind at all.

The fact that i have lots more goals and dreams
to do, be achieve and grasp, doesn't deter my spirit.

I want to start living my life
together with him.

I am ready!

His Birthday, Part II

2011-07-05T10:38:00.002+08:00

For his 28th birthday (this year), which
will be due in 3 more days,
i planned something.

Hell, of course i plan something.

The idea came on Monday 27th July (or was it Sunday)?
Oh well, so the idea came
spontaneously. I thought it over,
briefly but adamantly.
I make plans,
and execute them there and then.

So later that evening, i
went to Midvalley to check on
some lesson. To see
how much they charge and
the availability to teach me
in a short time (a week).

It was a success!
Love that place, and the guys (all guys)
in that shop. The owner (a chinese guy)
is very helpful and helped me
there and then.

My 'teacher' is a young guy name
Kautsar.
He's the sort of guy
you'd see in a band. Long curly hair that reaches
his shoulder. I think he is younger
than me. But i never asked.

Anyway, he has been very
helpful. He started teaching
me on Tuesday itself.
I came with nothing.
Luckily the shop provided
everything; from the lesson book
to the music instrument to
the small stuff.

First lesson was good. It gives me
motivation to continue.

Then i was busy, super busy
with my office's performance.
We had dikir barat practice every
evening starting wed. i was rushing
on wed with my office work, dikir
barat practice, lesson and my own
private tutors.

thursday was even hectic.
we got dikir barat practice the
whole day cos the farewell dinner
for dato pbk is at night.
so between practice, i rush to midvalley
during lunch hour for the music lesson.

in the end, the dikir barat
was a success!

i was exhausted.

firday came, and i didnt have
my music lesson, although i had tutors
and such. i practiced a couple of hours that
night until i figured that i
should stop as not to angered my neighbours
with the sumbang sound i made.

saturday, i have something in malacca during
the day. a 'bapakku kawen lagi' themed
wedding. during the night, music lesson and practices.
the last one before my sunday
recording.
wow, i was really in it. and at the same time
scared and know, that i am soooo not ready.
(met key and kc there)

sunday came, i had to teach
in the afternoon. after that
i rush to wangsamaju area where
the hotsound studio is located. its
a jamming studio. memang best!
i got lost but managed to arrive on time, 4pm.

my videographer, remy was also there.
you see, there was only the 2 of us.
i did invite some friends, but none showed up.
i was a bit, down but in a way i think
its better that none showed up though.

i was horrible. we did a 5 takes. going through
the song from beginning until the end.
(did i mention i love the studio?)

i told remy, you used what you have and
do whatever you can to save my video.
make it a funny one, since i can't really
perform as well as i wanted to.

ahfa came later, rather late, but still
i am grateful that he did came.
we lepak for half an hour at chawan bangsar then,
before i head to Plan B Bangsar Village for
dinner with my two gf;s Al and Chena.

Overall, life is good. I can't wait to see
the end product. Although i can expect
something sweet, cute and yet funny in the
video.

Laling, i hope you love it.
And i hope you know how much
i love you.

His Birthday Part I

2011-06-27T20:42:00.002+08:00

I still remember what i did
for his 2008 birthday.

I plan everything in 8 stages.
(Wait, i got to take my Thinker book where
i record everything)

I want to make it memorable
Different
Something he'd remember

So i plan everything
started from 1st July

His 1st July gift was a poem
(For the love of God i can't remember
what was the poem about)
But i still remember when i gave him the card that
contains the poem, he was
so afraid to take it.
He thought it was a love confession ke apa.

His 2nd July gift was biscuits
from Famous Amos
(I know he loves it)
I gave the black colored ones; my fave!

His 3rd gift was a book i think
(Its entitled Its Not How Good You Are,
Its How Good You Want To Be)
I also got a copy of the book.
Now, why the book? Its bcos
its easy, simple and something
that i was sure he'd read.
(He doesn't read much)

His 4th gift was a duit-duit plant.
I sent it to his house that day.
(Lain dari lain, kan?)

His 5th gift was a container of chocs
from Famous Amos
(You know the small rocks with
various colors? Yeah, that one!)
He never eat it. He kept it where
his friends can see it but he didn't allow
anyone to eat it.
(I think its still on his fridge
in the kitchen till today, unopened)

His 6th gift was a DVD.
(Its entitled Cruel Intentions)
Now why that particular story? Cos one, i love it.
I love the lesson in the story. And i directed
the lesson to him.

His 7th gift was a bouquet of flowers + 3 helium baloons.
The flowers were 'kekwa' i think; 3 different colors.
( I can't remember the colors)
And i add 3 helium baloons.
And i ask the shop to sent it
to our office.
(Yes, we were from the same
office)
Now there was a slight glitch in the
plan. These was supposed to arrive
on the 8th (on his birth-day) but
he was unavailable on that day.
So i ask the shop to send it
one day earlier. Hasten much? Luckily
they can do it. But you know what
sucks? I was elsewhere that evening
for a meeting that i cannot not go.
So i rely on my colleagues to
inform me how did he react upon
receiving those gifts.
He parade his gifts around at
the office.

And lastly, on the 8th day
i sms-ed him 2 pantuns.
(I did not keep the copy of
the pantuns nor remember what
was the pantuns all about)

So yeah, that what i did for his
2008 birthday.

His 2009? Oh i actually forgot.
I only remembered a few days later.
Then i bought him a set of Body Shop
products for men cos i like their perfume
on him.

His 2010 birthday, i brought him
to Xcess bookstore at Amcorp Mall
and let him choose any 4 books that he
wants.

I will regall you what happens in his
2011 birthday surprise.

Fingers crossed!

Why Am I So Sad?

2011-06-18T13:31:00.002+08:00

These past two days,
Why am i so sad.
And ended up crying.

No matter how rationally
my brain give ideas on
how to divert this feeling
By doing things, concentrate
on others and such.
Its to no avail.

Maybe because of this
multi task capabilities
that i owned and good at
i do something but
think about it at the same
time
and sad, and think about why
why and why
and ended up crying while doing
something

Pathetic much

Wants so much to talk about
it to him
Have to cos i believe
in communicate my problems
and what ever it is in
my head to him so that
i can be solved
or at least heard. knew

So that he knows how i feel

But when is the right time
Fear, fear of disturbing him
At taking it out at a bad time
But then suffering in silence
is bad, bad enough
I need to say it.
I need to talk it out.
To him.
No one else.

Apa itu?

2011-04-16T21:59:00.003+08:00

Sedang saya tergapai-gapai mencari arah
Hilang tuju dan tidak tahu halanya

Cuba saya cari, selami dan selidiki hati
Menyemak lembaran nota peneman diri

Satu-satu tulisan diperhalusi
Untuk mencari apa yang hilang dalam diri

Serasa bertahun lamanya mencari
Memikirkan apa yang dimahukan ini

Kemahuan diri yang kecil-kecil
Didapati satu per satu

Dengan kamahuan dan usaha sendiri
Dicapai tanpa perlu merendah diri

Tapi masih rasa tidak lengkap itu
Masih merasakan ada satu ruang lohong

Tertanya-tanya apa yang dicari ini
Kasih pada-Nya, yang menyesatkan diri?

Mendapat kesedaran mengenai sesuatu
Si jejaka melayu saya

(tidak dapat diungkapkan dengan kata)

Dia. Selama ini
Ia adalah dia.

Si dia.
Dia yang menitipkan perasaan aneh
dalam diri saya.

Dia yang selama ini sentiasa menjadi
keutamaan saya

Dia yang sentiasa berlegar di pinggir
fikiran saya

Tidak kira, tidak kira

Adakah dengan dia, ia berakhir?

Mengapa Ia Penting?

2011-01-22T22:13:00.002+08:00

Awak tidak faham. Mengapa penting sangat hari ini?
Semua orang pun nak pertikaikan kepentingan hari ini.
Suka hati sayalah!
Ini hari saya.

Dan walau macam manapun saya cuba ubah diri dan terima
bahawa hari ni adalah seperti hari-hari biasa
dan ia tidak penting. Ia penting!

Dan saya akan menjadi sebak
dan mengalirkan air mata memikirkan bahawa
hari ini penting tetapi... awak tidak faham.

Dalam senarai perkara yang saya mahu buat pada tahun ini,
perkara pertama dalam senarai adalah
meluangkan hari lahir saya bersama awak!

Sekarang jam menunjukkan pukul 10.17 malam
dan jelas sekali selepas perbualan kita tadi
kita tidak akan sempat bersama sebelum hari ini berakhir.

Awak tahu tak betapa sakitnya hati saya
apabila awak tidak meletakkan saya sebagai
keutamaan awak?

Saya tidak berhargakah?

Awak tahu saya akan sabar menunggu
Awak tahu saya akan setia
Awak tahu walau banyak mana air mata tumpah
atau sebanyak mana saya merajuk
atau marah mengamuk
Saya akan kembali pada awak
Dan saya akan setia menunggu
Mungkin sebab itu saya tidak berharga
Kerana awak tahu saya akan menunggu

Tidak kiralah apa yang awak buat
Walaupun saya sangat terluka
Walaupun saya sedih sekali
Walaupun saya teramat kecewa
Walau sebanyak mana saya cuba fahamkan awak
tentang apa yang saya rasa

Awak akan buat keputusan yang sama

Saya penatlah awak
Sudah tiga tahun saya menunggu
bersabar dengan sikap dan kerenah awak
kerana cinta
dan kepercayaan bahawa cinta itu akan berbalas
dan awak akan melayan saya bagaikan bidadari syurga
yang paling berharga dalam hidup awak
isteri dan kawan baik awak
yang pertama dan terakhir
di dunia dan akhirat

Tinggi harapan saya kan?

Tapi saya tidak pernah putus asa tau
Saya terus menunggu
Dan apabila awak mahu saya tunggu dua tahun lagi
Saya tidak teragak menjawab pasti
Apalah sangat dua tahun ya
Apabila saya sudah menunggu tiga tahun lamanya

Penuh sengsara namun
saya gembira

Kerana saya cintakan awak
Dan setiap kali saya bersama awak
Saya akan gembira, teramat gembira
Bagaikan dunia itu kita berdua saja yang wujud

Namun ada kalanya saya penat
Saya kan wanita, amat nipis emosinya
Mudah terasa
Sensitif
Senang sekali dilukai

Namun saya juga lembut
dan mudah memaafi

Awak juga yang berkata begitu
Awak ada kuasa atas saya
Saya tidak dapat mahu marah lama-lama
dengan awak

Saya tidak boleh merajuk lama
dengan awak

Perasaan mahu bersama awak
mengatasi semua kebencian yang wujud
dalam diri saya terhadap awak

Saya amat mencintai awak
dan mungkin itu adalah kesilapan saya.

Bagaimana sampai ke hari ini?

2011-01-19T21:53:00.005+08:00

Mahu berkongsi sebuah cerita.

Berlaku pada 22 April 2008.

Bangun pagi di sebuah resort tepi pantai. Jam kira-kira pukul 7. Pergi ke sliding door, buka dan angin pantai mengalun masuk.

Tersenyum memandang ke laut. Aman dan tenang. Menikmati seketika. A dreamy look.

Terpandang sepasang manusia, lelaki dan wanita, berjalan-jalan di tepi pantai. Kedua-dua memakai putih. Berpegangan tangan. Mesra.

Tiba-tiba suatu realization, kenyataan muncul, masuk menerjah pantas. Tanpa diduga. Terus sahaja. Dari-Nya.

I'm in love! Muncul di benak.

Air mata terus bergenang dan mengalir deras. Dan jatuh terjelepok, terduduk. Tangan mencengkam erat di permaidani lantai. Menangis tidak tertahan.

Dan bertanya dalam hati, why, why, why.

Mengapa dia?

Mengapa dia?

Mengapa dia?

DIA tidak menjawab.

Ah, masakan ada jawapan tentang cinta. Hati berbisik.

Kita tidak boleh pilih.

Ia... datang sendiri.

Persoalannya, Mengapa. Dia.

Seharusnya, 'celebrating love', menikmati akan kewujudan perasaan cinta dalam diri.

Tetapi tidak. Oh... tidak.

Bertanyakan kepada-Nya mengapa si dia, kerana

Tahu sudah akan betapa mencabarnya cinta ini.

Sekiranya betul-betul membuat keputusan untuk cuba menggapainya.

Betapa sukarnya perjalanan untuk memperoleh cinta ini.

Cuba untuk mendapatkan, cinta si dia.

Menangis tanpa dapat ditahan sama sekali.

Dan termenung memandang laut, ombak mendayu tiba, ketenangan alam dan pasangan itu.

Memikirkan nasib diri.

Ah! Mencabarnya cinta ini.

Sejak dari itu, diri sendiri bermuhasabah

Memanjat kesyukuran akan wujudnya cinta dalam diri kepada si dia

Walaupun amat sukar. Walaupun perlu bertahan.

Perlu bersabar yang teramat. Perlu selalu memujuk diri.

Agar menerima hakikat, bahawa ini jalan yang telah dipilih

Dan diputuskan.

Maka tidak perlu mempersoalkan tatkala hati berasa letih yang teramat.

Oh, hati sememangnya bengkak dan penuh dengan perasaan.

Yang kadang-kadang penat menghadapi segala

Dan menangis pada malam yang sunyi.

Cuba memegang hakikat wujudnya cinta itu dalam diri

Dan ia bukan sekadar mainan perasaan, crush yang

cuba ditepis berbulan-bulan lamanya.

Ia cinta.

Terima kasih Tuhan.

Bencinta

2011-01-12T20:20:00.001+08:00

Benarkan ku 'tuk berbicara...
Bicara terus ke hati mu.. Hati mu..
Hati yang penuh rasa ragu
Jangan terus pergi
Tanpa mendengar ku
Mungkin mudah
Untuk kau terus berlalu
Nanti dulu
Berikanlah waktu
Untuk aku, untuk kamu

Ingatkah lagi waktu kau bersama ku
Kaku aku melihat mu
Lidah kelu sedangkan aku
Mahu kau tahu
Aku cinta pada mu
Benci pada mu
Cinta pada mu

Ke tepi lihat ku berlalu
Pasti itu yang terbaik untuk ku
Tiada lagi mahu ku tahu
Tentang hidup kamu
Tentang mati kamu
Aku tahu
Engkau tahu apa yang mata ku tahu
Apa yang kau tunggu
Mahu aku buka pintu?

Ingatkah lagi waktu kau bersama ku
Kaku aku melihat mu
Sedang aku mahu kau tahu
Dengar kata ku
Aku cinta pada mu
Benci pada mu
Cinta pada mu

Sakitnya aku
Membenci kamu
Sakit lagi mencintai mu
Dan aku pergi
Tapi kembali
Benci aku mencintai diri mu
Ku benci... Kamu
Ku cinta... Kamu

- Faizal Tahir

Sampai Syurga

2011-01-12T20:17:00.000+08:00

Ku membenarkan jiwaku
Untuk mencintaimu
Ku persembahkan hidupku
Untuk bersama kamu
Dan diriku untuk kamu
Belum pernah kumerasai begitu
Semua itu telah berlalu
Harapanku palsu
Dan mungkin hari yang satu
Terus ku tertunggu
Di hatiku.. masih kamu
Belum pernah ku ingin terus menunggu.. oh

Aku lemah tanpa kamu
Ku inginmu dampingi ku
Aku fahami aku bukan terbaik
Untuk dirimu
Sampai syurga ku menunggu
Sampai syurga ku cintamu
Hanya satu
Hanya kamu..

Ku membiarkan hatiku
Untuk merinduimu
Ku menghamparkan sakitku
Untuk tatapan kamu
Bersamamu.. harapanku
Hilang dalam terang yang membutakan ku..
Dan segala yang ku ada
Ku berikan semua
Untuk dirimu saja
Ku mahu..
Dirimu..
Bahagia untuk selamanya
Biar sampai syurga
Aku menunggu cinta darimu
Agar ku sempurna….
Namun aku tetap aku
Yang terbaik untuk diriku
Hanya satu…..

Aku lemah tanpa kamu
Ku inginmu dampingi ku
Aku fahami aku bukan terbaik
Untuk dirimu
Sampai syurga ku menunggu
Sampai syurga ku cintamu
Hanya kamu..
Aku lemah tanpa kamu
Ku inginmu dampingi ku
Aku fahami aku bukan terbaik
Untuk dirimu..
Sampai syurga ku menunggu
Sampai syurga ku cintamu
Hanya satu
Hanya kamu..

- Faizal Tahir

Hanyut

2011-01-12T08:21:00.000+08:00

Harus bagaimana lagi
Dan terus begini
Dengarkan aku
Lihat ke mataku

Cukup sudah kau menghukum
Salahku tetap salahku
Benarkan ku berbicara
Agar bisa pulih semua

Namun harus sampai bila
Kau kan diam seribu bahasa

Chorus
Maafkanlah ku tak bisa hidup tanpa kamu
Fahamilah ku tak mampu terus tanpa kamu
Bagaimana ku nanti
Bila tiada mengganti
Yang ku ada hanya kamu saja

Saat mata terpejam
Hanya kau ku terbayang
Menghapus semua segala rasa di jiwaku

Saat mata terbuka
Kamulah yang pertama
Tak mampu aku
Bayangkan
Hidup tanpa dirimu

Ulang Chorus

Aku memang bersalah
Selalu saja mengabaikan mu
Dan tapi dah ku sedari
Segala perit kau lalui
Ku terlupa kau terluka

Dan memang selalu
Aku bersalah
Selalu saja mengabaikan mu
Meninggalkan mu
Dan tetapi itulah aku sedari
Segala perit yang kau lalui
Kerna diriku yang terus hanyut

Maafkanlah ku tak bisa hidup tanpa kamu
Bagaimana ku nanti
Bila tiada mengganti
Yang ku ada hanya kamu saja

Bagaimana ku nanti
Bila kau tak di sisi
Yang ku ada hanya kamu saja

- Faizal Tahir

Truthfully, I don't know anything anymore

2011-01-04T00:51:00.002+08:00

I...

There's so many things lingering in my head. Goes back and forth. I don't know what on earth is happening. I thought that there is nothing to be worry about. That everything is good. That everything did went well.

What happen?

I just had to ruined it, i guess?

Is it?

Do i just think too much?

Am i just afraid, scared?

Some of the things said hit me home. Not sure whether to admit that its true or not. But, maybe there is some truth.

I'm all jumbled inside. My thoughts. My emotions. Not a good time to think really, what more make any decisions!

But, i can't rest until i find out what's wrong!

Damn i'm hard on myself.

Or, its just that i am scared?

Guess i am not that brave eh??!

Coming to Terms

2010-12-09T20:48:00.003+08:00

I thought of whether i make a big deal of it, before my birthday.

Last two years, i did.

But the years before that, i always celebrate it alone in my room.

Pathetic much? I think that it's a reflection of me. Of who i am as a person.

Its not as if there was no celebration afterwards, or n gifts and presents nor no wishes and sms-es and recently, fbs and such.

But when the clock strike 12 midnight, that marked the end and beginning of my life at certain age, i am always; alone.

And usually i never felt so alone than that moment.

Respite.

I always wanted to be 27; growing up. The age held an important, rather special significance for me. At the age 27, i always visualised myself as a successful, happy, respected person. Not rich. That never came into my mind or being my goal. But definitely enough.

I wonder now whether i lived up to that dream of mine. Next month, will be be successful, happy and respected.

Successful in what way? I have a career if thats what you mean. And its not just any career, its something that i wanted. Other than that, i could probably consider myself to be successful in my life so far as i have achieved, if not all, most of what i dreamt of; Head Prefect, Best Female, President of organisations, managing events, Dean's list, an A in a project, english debate, representing university and the country for public speaking, got into the primary service, teach childen to succeed in their studies, have considerable talents in various skills to do some part time jobs, and much more. So much more. But is it enough? Does all this considered successful?

Happy! Now thats vague. Growing up i never really considered myself to be happy. Content, yes. I am seldom happy. I even seldom laughing. Its even harder to surprise me! I always wore this solemn face mask. A face that doesnt betray anything (except to close friends that knows me). How do i consider or count what is happiness? Am i happy now? Right now, as i am writing... i am so afraid to answer. Because i dont know. This may sound much like the 'selfish' entries in the book Eat, Pray, Love; someone who has everything but still feels empty inside. What's missing? I guess the answer is that i lost God along the way. I gotta find Him again inside me. Oh i know He is there for me. I always, embarassingly find Him whenever i feel alone and cry. I need to find Him again.

And respect. That is something i cannot answer. Because i cannot say i am respected. Only other people around me can say, whether they respect me. My mistakes in the past makes me feel not worthy sometimes, in my weaker moments. I feel like i am not THAT good, i am NOT perfect, i DID this and that. I am NOT miss perfect. Or try to be. And that sucks to me. Cos i myself let me be disrespect. People see me as a reflection of what i see myself. Until i learn to love me and respect me, i can't force others to do so.

So in the end, what does being 27 really means to me?

I think the answer is that i get to feel a blessing that i get to live through that 'magical' age. I shouldnt be so hard on myself and over think of minute stuff. I should be blessed.

Now the only thing that i want in this whole wide world, is him. And i just might, might be feeling a little bit more, than just content.

When is it Too Much?

2010-11-23T23:50:00.002+08:00

I never asked that question to myself.

Question like, when will i stop?

When will i said enough?

When i will give up?

When is it becomes too much?

I was faced with that question today. After all that has happened with me being sick, with me feeling down and sad cos i AM sick; cos that will ruined with the 'plan' to spend time with him on the last two weeks we had together before he went away. With he didnt actually come and see me in the hospital when i was sick, nor did he takes the initiative and asked first about me (and not replying my messages). With him didn't ask how i was during my sickbed and when did i was discharge. And the fact that he did not hold to one of his many promises to accompany me to my best friend's wedding tonight. And when i actually wants to talk and discussed about it and try to set up a time to meet up and still it doesnt work, and i just give in.

I give in to the holy power that says, enough is enough Emmy. Sudahlah tu.

I called him a selfish bastard. Boy, do i feel good. He deserves it. He also deserves pergi jahanam (and not go to hell; less effect). But i am torn between actually messaging him that. Oh no, i just did message him that.

I guess i don't matter enough.

It hurts. But i don't matter to you.

And i have to accept that.

Are You Ready?

2010-11-07T00:42:00.005+08:00

Be careful of what you wish for, cos God might just handed it to you smack face!

And u realise that u are not prepared to accept it.

I always say (and secretly believe?) that i always got what i want.

Of course i usually get it because of the combination of these two things;
luck and hard work!

Even as i faced this seemingly impossible obstacle, i manage to past through and do it. And consequently got what i want, one way or another, directly or indirectly.

My book, The Planner has all the details of what i want to achieve in life. And i have tick right a lot of it.

I came to realise that i didn't, haven't yet put out in writing this one wish that i really want for the past 2-3 years.

I asked myself why.

I guess its because it seems impossible.

I can do what ever i can to achieve it. But there is no way it can be realised unless God intends it to be.

That's one. Remind me to write it down, the wish, in the book.

Second.

Okay, so i admit that i believe in happy endings and fairy tales and romances in story books.

It doesnt come in a snap of your fingers but through hard work and a bit of faith.

Secretly, (i never admitted it before, this is a first), that i wanted this guy that is similar in attitude and values like the hero's in those romance novels.

I want those tall, dark and handsome guy.

I want a guy who is successful through hard work, whose rich in his own rights.

I want someone who is experience, knowledgeable, smart, have ambitions and dreams.

I want this man who cares, kind, generous and also something he is passionate about.

And i also wanted a bad boy, a playboy. A guy who has been with many women and yet hasn't found that right person to be with, to share his life with.

And i very much is th heroin. The lucky girl who falls in love with that guy. And he too.

And we get married and lived happily ever after.

Weird that i came to realisation last night, that maybe i am not prepared to faced this guy. To be with him. To get to know him. To go through life challenges when i am with him.

I am suddenly, am feeling rather intimidated and scared.

I thought i knew what i want, and when God gave him to me, i was taken aback and not sure on how to handle it.

My mind has been going over this matter the whole day. The fact that i did not slept last night makes it worse!

I think i just need to get a grip, thank God for giving him to me, (he's not mine yet) and i guess, not to think too much? Go with the flow, loose yourself, enjoy and savor every moment but at the same time, still remember who you are without compromising too much of yourself.

But then again, thats what the heroin in novels did, they give it all as they know that they got nothing to lose. Except pride.

In the end, the heroin get the hero.

I wonder what i'll do.

Am i?

2010-10-29T00:14:00.002+08:00

Rather than say "I'm stupid" you may say "I lost rationality when comes to love. I know I shouldn't, but heart and love is never about right or wrong, it's about feeling. There is no right and no wrong."

A friend said this to me; i was debatedly telling myself that i am stupid, i am stupid, i am stupid, countless times today.

When i discovered the, for the 2nd time that the possibility he is getting married to his gf is on, it came as to no surprise of course, but it rocked and shaken my nonetheless.

At first i could control the emotions and adrenaline, then as my friend, who told me about it starts to get emotional about it, i broke down in tears. Like a few second. Then i became numb and unfeeling.

Until now. Got teary the second, and cold and unfeeling the later. My mind filled with him every waking moment, every second of every minute of every agonizing feeling and vibe and power in my body. He is in it.

All the memories. And the recalling what he sms-es, or says, or behaves, moves. Everyting. And i wonder does it mean anything? Who am i to you?

When i think how low i put myself in your life, i am so ashamed. You become my priority in my life. You. No one else. I cancelled everything, put down activities, put things on hold, if you're in the picture.

Embarassed my self out in front of you and your friends, degrading myself i think sometimes. To think that she's waiting for you if things doesn't work out? When did this get here? How on earth did i put mysel second in your life?

Or i always been one, and i decided to take it on and see what happens if i keep on trying, hoping, praying that maybe my fairy tale will come true and i will get my happy ending.

I become obsessed with you the first year. Besotted like a puppy. I get to control, learnt, force myself to control me, my actions so that i don't behave like a stupid moron female when im with you.

Alas, it did happened. Alas, i cant regret things that has happened. I refuse to regret cos i take it as something i learn from and move forward. Forward to where? What is there for me in the future? In his future?

Probably none. I refuse to let the negative thinking ruined all the good memories we had shared. Although the negative ones (realistic) might be the thing that keeps me sane and be careful. If i ever am that is.

I jumped on the moving roller coaster, fully knowing what to expect when i accidently fell in love with him; a hard, hard ride, but with interesting, powerful and learning experience.

How i love him. I make excuses for him everytime. Even as i am writing. I should say, no, i wanna say that i understand him. Do i really? I hope so, but i think that i will never know, knowing him

I think i understand him, his way of thinking and such actions he took that i accepted what he did. That's why i can hold on to this illusion for so long. Ah, two years plus is nothing compared to the six one of my gf went through. And she went bitter with it.

I dont want that to happen to me. I refuse to be bitter and hate him in the end. This is not the end yet. And i am not making it to be.

Hope is a powerful thing. Signs from God are everywhere and i dont know why i am blinded that i did not see it. But then, signs can be read many ways. If so, then this is not yet the end.

There's still hope.

Lesson

2010-10-11T20:55:00.002+08:00

The pain you felt, you have inflicted upon yourself.

Do you know what is pain?

Pain is a feeling you feel inside cause by something.

In my case, the pain is self inflict. I did it to myself.

I have every chance to run away. Be at peace.

I thought that i am ready. Ready for a new beginning.

But five months? Come on.

Give yourself a break. And i mean a break. Rest your turmoil heart. That has been in war with your mind and your values and other factors surrounding you. Trying to force their way to you.

Listen to my heart? Oh gosh!

I thought that i can handle this. The feeling. But i can't. A slightest chance of doubt and i poured down like a drain of tsunami and lost it.

Why am i confident? Why am i not?

Don't force your feelings. Let it be, someone advices.

Then another too came to me, listen to your heart when it speaks.

I dont know what to trust anymore.

What i believe in? What do i believe in?

Can i just let go and let it be?

What about making the most of it so that i have no regrets and i won't be asking What if?

What about to experiencing new things and not saying No to anything?

I just am drain. Am exhausted.

I always needed God and have faith in life. But it seems that in the last 2-3 years i needed Him more than ever. And become more doubtful.

I never think of suicide but i know i have been thinking of running away from this life now countless times.

I am one of those lost souls who are wandering aimlessly in the world without a cause.

Suddenly i feel a little better. Someone just gave me an answer.

Listen

2010-10-08T22:12:00.002+08:00

When your heart speaks, listen!

When the first time that advice was given to me, i listen. But i dont get it. I did not exactly listen. So i make a mistake. And decided on accepting something that i thought at that time is life changing, for the better. For the correct and right path in my life. Exactly what i needed at that time.

I made an error in judgement. Whew i did. I really shouldn;t be making any huge steps at that moment, during that period. Where my heart is fragile, still hasnt healed, is in the healing process. If healing is what i want it to be. Or so i thought.

Now that i got back to where it was before, i realised that i make a fatal decision that will end up hurting others.

Whats wrong with me? Sigh. Am i just confused? I dont know what i want? I was misguided?

What???!

Actually its relatively simple. I always know what i want. Its just that when its so unbearable and i was at my weakest moment, i decided to give up, to not handle it anymore. To refuse to hope.

When i always knew, that what (or to be exact, who) i want is always that same person. That has never changed. No matter how much i tried to stay away, or do something else, to persuade my heart and my brain to accept it, the truth still emerge one way or the other. It always find a way to whisper to me, to my heart.

Only that i didnt listen.

Now that i realise it, that i cant deny it anymore, i have to, have to accept this and be done with it.

So what id i love that person? What if i am in love so much that i cant love another anymore, or accept anyone in my life, maybe like for a long time, or forevor. Or that i will end up alone in the end when he, no, if he didnt pick me in the end. So what.

i dont want regrets remember. So dont make any. And about those frustrations and sorrows and sadness, grief, cries and tears that i went through sometimes in betweens the laughter and the happiness and the love, its normal. With life, the good comes also with the bad.

So i accept both. I accept that when im with him i am the happiest and the most loving person i can be. And i accept that when i am at my low, i will cry and mourn the fact that he is till not mine.

Its fine. Its okay.

I have to learn to love and accept that just because i love someone, doesnt mean in the end he will be mine.

Mencintai bukan bererti memiliki.

Although i wish with all my heart that he will be one day.

I can only hope.

Hope

2010-10-03T20:40:00.002+08:00

For the last one month or so, i start to stray back to my old two years long habit. is started to hope. and when that happens, i slowly went back to my old habit of being sad, thinking of minute things, wishing for something so bad that my heart ache and i ended u crying, i feel lonely when i shouldn't, im confused, i dont know what to do and i lost myself.

and the same time, i am back where i want to be. regardless of the consequences. i love it. i feel it is where i should be. enjoying life.

maybe i shouldnt think too much. i did that. but it will come to a point where i should be thinking of where i am and want to head in the future.

my next step is crucial. it decides what i really want.

Quite A While

2010-09-19T18:55:00.003+08:00

Am not feeling so good.

Am sad, confused, angry... I just want to cry but i can't. Am so used to held it up tight inside.

And worst, i dont know who to talk to. Nor do i think i have anyone to talk to.

Cos its been months since i talk to someone about this, and pour my heart out.

At least am not as desolete and pathetic as i was 5 mths ago. Am better now.

But sometimes, the feelings still came. Not easily pushed away or forgotten, it crept inside my head and my heart, slowly, agonizingly. When before you can ignore and swipe it away, forgotten a while, until it governs up and came bawling to me, up to a point wher i cant deny it no more.

Especially when i am at my weaker moments.

Oh i am strong, but as tough and willful as i am, i am still human. Very much female.

I have feelings.

Even now as i am typing this, i am beginning to feel light headed, like im about to faint.

Thats what happened when i keep it bottled up inside me. It becomes unbearable.

I'm just confused that's all.

I Dreamed A Dream

2010-08-02T21:17:00.004+08:00

I dreamed a dream.

I moved close to embrace him.

Instead to naturally put my head on his chest, he gently brings my head over his heart.

And i felt it deeply.

He said, I Love You.

I was stunned.

Seeing no reaction from me, we fell apart and he stare into my eyes, his hands on both my arms,

You dengar tak ni? I Love You.

And thats when realisation hits me and i nod, letting out a determined, hmm.

He laughed, as if knowing why i am speechless.

We then, embrace again.

And i woke up.

The Simple Life

2010-06-22T23:54:00.003+08:00

Not the Simple Life version Paris Hilton and Nicole Ricci's. Yeah, whatever.

This is the Oprah's version of Simple Life. Where in this time of economic crisis, people are back to live in a basic life where only basic necessities are important.

2010 is a very dificult year for me. Well, every year has its own set of challenges offered to me. This year, its more to financial. It has ruined all my plans for this year. And i was succumbed by the pressure and am lost. Lost in a sense, i dont know what to do.

I lost my motivation. I lost my direction. I dont know me anymore.

Memories of a cold, teary night

2010-06-20T21:43:00.004+08:00

I still remember that day. It was Thursday night.

When i heard the news. At first i didn't know. No one tells me. Then i followed my instinct and called his housemate. And his housemate, at that time, being caught off guard, had to tell me.

I was hurt cos he didn't tell me. Cos no one told me. Like, they never thought of telling me? I'm like, his.. his.. someone who loves him. Am there for him. Always with him.

I debated with my heart and my head on what to do next. Whether to go, or not. Whether to come and see him.

I have imagined this particular scene for the past 2 years. What would i do if i found out that he's in the hospital? My fantasy tells me that i will come and go to him. No matter what.

So that's what i did that night. Around 9.45pm, i made up my mind to go. but not after asking a few of my good, close friends about what should i do. And all of them said, follow your heart.

So i did. I drove to the hospital, way past my speed limit that i put on myself. Not thinking of anything, crying in the car on the way there. Just thinking of him.

Arriving at PPUM, i park my car by the road side, i didn't care at that time. Didn't care of anything anymore. I didn't even remember whether i locked the car. At that time, crying, i actually ran from my car towards the emergency area. Like soap opera, love story.

I asked the nurse how to go to the room he was warded in. I was nervous. I didn't know what to expect. His friends told me that everyone should've gone back by then. It was 10.30pm when i arrived.

I saw him. On the bed. In pain, weak. So unlike him. His aunt was also there. She happened to be the nurse.

I didn't want to disturb them so i stood further. I just watched. I actually kinda hoping that i wont be meeting any of his friends or his family members there. So that's a relief. The fact that his aunt was there, that cant be helped.

After some time, i finally took the courage to walk close. He has noticed me by then.

I just sit and look at him. of course his aunt never said anything about my teary face. She asked who i am.

I answered, that i was his colleague.

I thought then she would leave. But she didn't. She stayed awhile and was fussing over him. He was in pain, i could see that. And my heart just goes to him. Tears keep threaten to pour but i held it back with utter determination. I don't want to cry in front of them.

His aunt then asked how long will i be staying. I answered that i don't know. She then asked whether ill be working tomorrow. To that i answered yes.

I think she didn't want me there. She doesn't want me to disturb him. I got her intention but i didn't resent that. I understand. But at that time, i just don't care. i just smiled and then knowing that she has said all there is to said, she left. Leaving him with a few advices and prayers to read. And then left.

We didn't say much. Doesn't have to. Only some stuff. I stayed until 5am. He wakes up every half an hour. Uncomfortable. In pain. His legs were bandaged. He had bruises on his hands, shoulders, face.

I cried like every ten minutes.

Nothing matters at that time. I just keep thinking that i don't care about anything anymore. Even if in the end he didn't pick me, i don't care. All i think about is that, i have to be here for him. Now. That's all that matters.

I was so overwhelmed with love that night.

I got back home just before 5am. I had to leave cos i don't want to meet his mom who he said will arrived after Subuh. So i leave.

Arriving home at 5.30am, i planned to sleep like an hour or so.

But i wake up 10 mins before 9am. And i have an important meeting at 9am.

Gosh. LUckily my boss understood. I told them the truth.

Did i mention i forgot dinner last night? And having a sleepless night too, i slept a bit during Friday's lunch hour.

That night i went to visit again. He was transferred to another building after the operation. I went to search for him. And begged to the nurses to let me in even though its way past visiting hours. I guess seeing me almost cry, as i said, this is important. Its important that i come to see him, they let me in, saying only 15 mins.

I stayed until 2.30am.

That night i knew that this will be my last visit. I just knew it. Before i left i said, 'u take care of yourself k'. Then i bent over him, and kiss his forehead. I was trying very hard not to cry at that time.

I have a feeling this will be the last time.

Then i left. Walking slowly at that time. Lost in my thoughts. Feeling drained.

Then i got sick on Saturday and Sunday. Whew! What a drama.

I am crying silently while writing this. I need to let go. I need to do this. Cos I still cry every time i remember this. Still do.

Gosh. i love him so much that it hurts. Id give almost anything for him.

In the end, i am still not his choice.

But since i don't want any regrets, that's a chance i got to take. I want to give my all trying to fight for his love. I don't want to look back and wonder 'what if'.

I don't want any regrets.

A Vision of Raven Hair

2010-06-19T20:34:00.002+08:00

Its actually a fantasy story. A writing that i haven't done. I still am not sure whether to write somewhat a witch craft story or a vampire one.

Probably the former. As my own fantasy of vampire story, derived from looking at full moon and loving it, has never quite original. I am still very much influenced by Queen of the Damned and Anne Rice's version of vampires. Weird that Buffy, Angel, True Blood and the newest addition, Vampie Diaries has failed to ignite any interest in me write anyhing about. Probably its too much drama and no substance.

Whereas Queen of the Damned goes a long way, back to the historical making of the vampire Lestat, who has captured me and leaved me breathless for him and prepare to die and live eternally with him. As she, the heroin did.

Coming back to the raven haired girl, the idea came during my 2000/2001 year, where i was in my Form 4/5. I remember clearly that i was a prefect back then. I still remember my Head Prefect, the utmost respected student figure at that time for me, Ching Wern. We were talking, or she was talking with the other senior prefects and i happen to be there too, listening. She was amazed the fact that i read romance novels too (Barbara Cartland, Mills & Boons etc at that time) cos well, u have to admit i was a bit geeky during my high school. All strait up girl, good, nerdy type.

And during that moments of reading all those romance novel, i came up with the idea of reliving a heroin with magic power, with scarred face. A vision, an illusion. Someone that can't be touched, someone that is scary, intimidating, a rumor.

And there will be this, brave man, who did fell in love with her. And alls went well.

In my writing, it usually does. My story has a happy ending. Cos i dont believe a bad one. Life is all in our own making. So a bad life, its because you didnt try to make it a better one.

I will probably write about it. I have to do some research first before i can just plunge in into the world of fantasy. I love to fantasized about the impossible things. Like a mafia heroin, a spy, a vampire, a playgirl, a con artist, a bodyguard and so much more.

I love to create a new world for me.

It's What Love Makes You

2010-06-18T22:01:00.002+08:00

This poem was written when i was studying in USM during the 2003-2006 period. I wrote it during one lonely, teary night. Remembering a guy who is not worth loving.

The poem was instantaniously made (as per all my writings). And then i sent it in a competition in poetry.com website and was chosen for the final read-out in Florida, US. They will publish mine along with the finales and those who sent in their entry in volumes of books in US.

Unfortunately for me at that time, i didnt have the money to travel to Florida to read out my poem to the public, and also regretfully i didnt buy the poetry books.

Sigh. But that was an amazing experience. To be appreciated for my writing. My poem. Which was my first. My first English poem.

I present to you, It's What Love Makes You:

It’s what love makes you
feel,
happy
beautiful
wonder
strange
and
loss, frustration, sadness

It’s what love makes you
become,
confident
and yourself
and also
fragile and vulnerable

It’s what love makes you
become what you are today

USM 04/05
18 June 2010

Dedikasi Bagi Setiap Yang Menyentuh

2010-06-13T15:05:00.002+08:00

Buat mereka yang bernama
lelaki

Yang pernah menyentuh
perasaanku

Teringat memori diluangkan
bersama

Gelak tawa riang ria
Mengukir senyuman di wajah
Tiap kali hadir
ke jiwa

Dedikasi bagi setiap dari
mereka

Yang menyentuh sesuatu
dalam diri

Sungguh ku amat
hargai

Persahabatan kamu, kamu
dan kamu ini

Sedikit sesal kekadang

Mengingatkan akhirannya
yang terjadi

Dilepaskan, dibiarkan renggang

Dipersia, ada jua
dipermain

Sengaja atau tidak

Kini ku tidak boleh
biarkan
ia sendiri

Ia, memori
Datang kembali mencuit hati

Mesrakan, pesonakan
Mainkan, hiburkan

Buat ku tersenyum seorang
Buat ku tertawa girang
Buat ku berbunga-bunga
hati

Kebetulan
atau takdir

Pertemuan kali kedua ini
tidak akan
dipersiakan

Moga membawa makna

15 Jun 2010

Dingin Salju di Kota Rom

2010-06-13T15:04:00.005+08:00

Ohhh... hanya Halim Toha pernah membaca tulisan ini.

Ia mengisahkan tiga orang jejaka khayalan saya.

Senyum sendiri mengenangkan percubaan saya menulis sebuah cerpen yang lari dari tema cinta.

Oh ia cinta. Cuma bukan cinta biasa. Bukan klise.

Mengapa tajuk ini? Saya sukakan elemen bertentangan (contradicting) dalam tajuk ini. Negara Rom dan dingin salju adalah jauh sekali konsepnya. Namun, mengapa Rom? Negara itu mengingatkan saya kepada latar sejarah seperti yang digambarkan dalam filem Gladiator, latar yang kejam, keras namun, romantik ada pandangan saya. Romantik kerana ia membawa cerita tersendiri.

Ia menjadi latar konsep semata-mata, namun watak-watak saya tidak berada di Rom. Tidak semuanya.

Jejaka pertama merupakan penulis yang juga seorang playboy.
Seorang jejaka lagi merupakan con artist.
Dan jejaka ketiga merupakan si suami.

Masing-masing mempunyai kisah tersendiri untuk diceritakan kepada pembaca.

Ingin sekali saya berkongsi kisah mereka. Cuma tidak lagi ketemu di mana letaknya.

Hanya satu copy saya ada, harapnya saya akan jumpa kembali letaknya dalam kotak-kotak.

Muse atau inspirasi saya datangnya dari penulis terkenal, Sidney Sheldon. Buku-buku beliau yang saya ambil idea adalah Rage of Angels, yang mengisahkan seorang peguam wanita yang terjebak dalam mafia Itali. Cerit ini saya pindahkan konsep kepada jejaka ketiga, si suami, yang isterinya terlibat dengan kongsi gelap/mafia. Yang akhirnya isterinya terbunuh (atau adakah kembar isterinya?), gosh! saya terlupa.

Sebuah buku tulisan beliau yang saya ambil ilham adalah If Tomorrow Comes yang mengisahkan seorang kehidupan seorang wanita yang dipenjarakan kerana ditipu yang kemudiannya menjadi con artist. Saya cuma jadikan jejaka kedua sebagai con artist yang jatuh cinta kepada salah seorang mangsanya. Dan si wanita, yang kaya dan senang, meninggalkan segala-galanya untuk jejaka yang mencabar dirinya.

Watak jejaka pertama, si penulis yang playboy merupakan rekaan saya sendiri. Jejaka tampan yang diminati ramai dengan jutaan buku terjual, merasa kebosanan menjalani kehidupan liarnya dan kehilangan idea menulis, terserempak dengan seorang gadis misteri yang akhirnya memberikan ilham untuknya menulis dan kemudiannya mengubah dirinya.

Saya cintakan ketiga-tiga jejaka dalam Dingin Salju Di Kota Rom. Mereka semuanya merupakan lelaki idaman saya.

18 Jun 2010

Ilham Sakura

2010-06-13T13:18:00.003+08:00

Ilham Sakura merupakan cerita pendek pertama yang diterbitkan. Secara rasminya dalam majalah sekolah menengah saya.

Dari mana mendapat inspirasi untuk menulisnya? Saya rasa ia berpunca dari kegemaran saya menonton drama Jepun pada petang Sabtu dan Ahad pukul 6.00. Pada waktu itu, Malaysia dibanjiri kehadiran drama-drama cinta Jepun yang menyeronokkan.

Budaya Jepun pada ketika itu sedang mengalami perubahan dari segi pemikiran. Gelombang hedonisme Barat berjaya menyelusup ke dalam pemikiran anak-anak muda Jepun yang kemudiannya memungkinkan drama Jepun mempertontonkan suatu karya yang menarik bagi saya pada ketika itu.

Salah satu fenomena yang menjadi kegilaan adalah cinta. Cinta merupakan suatu rutin biasa yang perlu, mesti dititipkan ke dalam sesebuah cerita. Kegemaran saya adalah With Love, lakonan Takuya Kimura yang sangat kacak, bersama si heroin yang kurang dikenali. Malah, drama ini tidak begitu dikenali di kalangan penonton Malaysia pun. Ia merupakan drama kedua/ketiga dipertontonkan di TV3 pada waktu itu. Saya sering kali menggemari sesuatu yang kurang popular. Ia lebih, mencabar.

Berbalik kepada fenomena cinta itu tadi, Ilham Sakura juga datangnya dari sumber cinta. Cinta antara seorang mahasiswa Melayu dengan seorang gadis Jepun. Cinta yang datang dari perasaan semata-mata. Tidak dicari. Terjumpa secara tidak sengaja. Takdir.

Saya percaya ia boleh berlaku dan boleh direalisasikan, hanya jika seseorang individu itu mempercayai dan mengikut perasaan itu. Saya rasa latar belakang cerita pendek saya diilhamkan dari drama Jepun yang berjaya memperlihatkan pemandangan yang indah dan memberikan inspirasi cinta daripada kelopak bunga sakura.

Di sekolah menengah lagi, telah wujudnya inspirasi/ilham yang pelbagai. Yang memberontak mahu dilepaskan. Maka banyaklah karya yang saya hasilkan. Cerpenlah paling aktif dihasilkan ketika itu. Ada 10 -15 cerpen dihasilkan. Sebuah novel pendek juga berjaya dihabiskan.

Mula-mula, cerpen hanya berkisar soal cinta yang cliche. Namun suatu saya mahukan, yang saya tentukan latar penceritaannya. Yang penghujungnya suatu yang saya suka. Saya mahukan kuasa menentukan bentuk cerita yang saya mahukan.

Happy ending.

Mungkin sekali saya hidup dalam fairy tale. Mungkin sekali ia suatu escapism dari realiti dunia saya. Oh saya tidak mengatakan dunia realiti saya hodoh. Jauh sekali. Saya berjaya capai apa yang saya citakan dalam dunia realiti saya. Saya puas hati. Pada masa yang sama, terdapat adventure lain yang saya ingin ceburi dan melalui penulisanlah saya luahkan.

Barang kali, genre cinta menjadi suatu kegemaran kerana ia membolehkan suatu fantasi direalitikan? Suatu yang saya tidak suka dan tolak dalam dunia realiti saya benarkan ia bernafas dan mengalir dalam dunia penulisan?

Oh saya amat gembira. Idea dan ilham datang mencurah-curah. Mengalir deras. Banyak yang saya mahu tulis dan lahirkan dalam perkataan.

Mungkin sekali pembaca akan lebih memahami apa yang saya maksudkan apabila membaca Ilham Sakura. Saya selitkan sekali puisi bertajuk Ilham Sakura di akhir cerita bagi membenarkan salah satu genre yang saya mahu telusuri dipertontonkan. Diperlihatkan.

13 Jun 2010

Lelaki Itu

2010-06-12T21:17:00.000+08:00

Lelaki itu
Dengan lawaknya yang tak diduga
Dengan lelucon yg mengada
Dengan maksud tersirat yang dilempar
Menyebabkan aku keliru
Bagaikan bait lirik lagu
'Ku Katakan Dengan Indah'
yang berbunyi
Kau beri rasa yang berbeda, mungkinku salah

Mungkin sekali aku yang salah
Salah mentafsir makna yang disampai
Jangan sampai hati terluka
Mengharap pada yang tidak diketahui
wajarannya

Mengapa dalam suka ada duka
Itukah makna perasaan
yang diingini oleh semua
Ah, tidak serik-serik lagi rupanya
Tidak mengaku kalah dalam keinginan
Untuk mendapatkan
Lelaki itu

14 Disember 2007

Dari Kaca Mata Orang Biasa

2010-06-12T16:51:00.001+08:00

Banyak sudah perbincangan dan percakapan didengari dan dibaca mengenai aspek kebahasaan dan kepenggunaannya di kalangan masyarakat; persoalan yang sering diutarakan adalah berkenaan kepentingannya dalam aspek masyarakat kini.

Kita sudah maklum akan pendirian dari pencinta bahasa, seperti para sasterawan dan kalangan penulis. Kita juga mendengar sudah pendirian dari pihak kerajaan dan kalangan yang mahukan kemajuan. Namun untuk mengetahui pandangan dan perspektif sebenar peri pentingnya bahasa di kalangan orang muda, remaja dan belia, bukankah lebih baik kalau ditanya pendapat kami sendiri.

Kami yang perlu ditanya adalah golongan remaja biasa, dari latar belakang pelbagai, sederhana akademik dan latar belakang keluarga. Bukan berasal dari latar belakang keluarga berakademik mahupun berada, hanya orang biasa yang sederhana. Pendapat merekalah yang penulis rasa perlu diketengahkan bagi menilai isi hati yang sebenar.

Kita tahu kalau dibincang dari segi pendapat pihak yang cintakan bahasa ibunda, tentulah pro sahaja dari segi menyokong penggunaan bahasa Malaysia di peringkat kebangsaan dan kontra isunya dari segi penggunaan bahasa Inggeris supaya diperluaskan hingga merosakkan bahasa ibundanya.

Dan jika didengar pula pendapat pihak kerajaan, tentulah mereka mengatakan tentang peri pentingnya bahasa Inggeris sebagai medium perantaraan Malaysia dengan negara luar dan kepentingannya dari aspek kemajuan ekonomi.

Namun begitu, penulis, yang melihat dan mendengar serta membaca luahan dan permintaan serta gesaan dari kedua-dua pihak ini merasakan ada perlunya menulis bagi meluahkan hati dari sudut orang biasa.

Orang biasa macam saya merasakan ada perlunya kedua-dua bahasa. Namun disebabkan keperluan masa kini yang mahukan kita menguasai bahasa Inggeris, maka kami dikehendaki mempelajari dan menuturkan bahasa ini. Dasar kerajaan dan pengaruh media menyebabkan bahasa ini tidak asing lagi dalam kehidupan seharian terutamanya bagi mereka yang menetap di bandar. Malah, pengaruh yang sangat kuat berkenaan bahasa bekas penjajah menyebabkan ramai yang menganggap bahasa ini lebih baik dari bahasa Malaysia dan bahasa ini lebih utama. Bagi penulis yang hanya berusia 20-an, pendapat sedemikian sememangnya mempengaruhi sedikit sebanyak cara pemikiran penulis. Penulis mengakui kadang-kadang menggunakan bahasa Inggeris terutamanya apabila bergaul dengan mereka yang berbangsa Cina dan India. Tujuannya dua, satu untuk membuktikan bahasa orang Melayu boleh berbahasa Inggeris dengan lancar, dan kedua, untuk memudahkan mereka memahami percakapan penulis.

Namun satu yang penulis ingin tegaskan, iaitu penulis apabila bertutur, seboleh-bolehnya menggunakan satu bahasa saja sewaktu bertutur dan mengelakkan dari mencampur-adukkan kedua-dua bahasa. Penulis tidak akan menggunakan bahasa rojak kecuali jika penulis tidak tahu perkataan Inggeris bagi perkataan bahasa Malaysia yang hendak disampaikan. Dan penulis juga tidak akan menuturkan bahasa Inggeris dalam perbualan seharian kecuali jika benar-benar perlu. Bagi penulis tidak perlulah dimegah-megahkan sangat menggunakan bahasa Inggeris, cukuplah menggunakannya bila perlu.

25 Ogos 2008